Wonder When Will I Make Sense

Damn, my blog is really getting more and more boring by the minute. Oh, not to mention that I'm writing a bunch of nonsense these days. Well, on second thought when did I start making sense since time in memorial to begin with. Hmm, I guess I'm just someone who doesn't make any sense at all and that's what sets me apart from everyone else. I mean, as they say that each one of us is unique in our own way. Hmm, so what else am I gonna talk about aside from my thoughts and my feelings and anything nonsense in between? Well, I don't really know. LOL. You know what? I'm still wondering if am I writing in English in a manner that it's only me who can understand. Well, I guess it's much better for me not to care if the whole damn world doesn't understand me as long as I understand myself or something. I mean, if you can catch my drift.

You know what? I'm thinking of coming up with voice blogs and upload my voice blogs on a video sharing website. I mean, since it seems like I am able to somehow polish my writing skills if I ever do have a skill in writing to begin with then why won't I try polishing my speaking skills or something. Well, on second thought coming up with voice blogs and uploading my voice blogs on a video sharing website isn't such a good idea. Oh, not to mention that I opt to write instead of talking or something. Hmm, so what else am I gonna talk about? Well, I don't really know. Damn it. You know what? I'm thinking of dropping by online not to do the usual work but to have a little play. Oh, not to mention squeezing in making some corrections on the latest batch of blog posts I updated my blog with. You know what? I'm thinking that's why I'm writing too much lately is because I'm just pressured to write 97,500 words of nonsense on or before the 15^th of December 2013 so that I can send my literary masterpieces to literary agents as the next step towards achieving my dream to be a writer in the real world everybody knows someday. Damn it.

Hmm, so what else am I gonna talk about? Well, I don't really know. LOL. You know what? It's really not that easy to write a page of nonsense, mind you. Damn, I wonder when will I start making some sense or something. Well, I don't know with me. You know what? I'm thinking of having a break from writing or something. I mean, I feel like it's been all work with no play since I began carrying my pen name “Adeline Chrystyn”. Oh, there's nothing to worry 'coz the play I'm thinking of is watching music videos on a video sharing website and checking out other bloggers' blogs or something. I mean, I'm not thinking of fooling around by talking to complete strangers anymore. Well, I guess it's time for me to learn my lesson or something. I mean, if you can catch my drift. Well, back then I was subconsciously fooling around and when it resurfaced in my consciousness that I ended up subconsciously fooling around by talking to complete strangers I felt so bad about everything and told myself not to do such thing ever again for the good of everyone. You know what? I guess it's much better for me to do something worthwhile instead.

I mean, I guess it's much better for me to focus more in writing my blog or something. Hmm, so what else am I gonna talk about? Well, I don't really know. Damn, I'm really running out of nonsense to talk about. You know what? I guess it's not that bad to take a break from writing and recharge from time to time. Hmm, who knows what if after a little break I'll be able to come up with blog posts that make some sense or something. I mean, I guess it's not healthy to focus more on work and just forget to have some play from time to time. Damn, it's not that easy to make-believe that I'm working as an amateur writer online, mind you. Oh, not to mention that I'm really running out of nonsense to talk about. Hmm, so what else am I gonna talk about aside from my thoughts and my feelings and anything nonsense in between? Well, I don't really know. Damn it. You know what? I really wanna read everything I wrote since the day I learned how to write. Hmm, it's just that I don't think that's such a good idea so I better just drop the thought of it. LOL.

Trying to Balance Work and Play

You know what? It seems like I'm working too much lately as I am make-believing that I'm working as an amateur writer online. Well, it's nice to have a lot of ideas or shall I say nonsense to talk about it's just that I guess I need to learn how to balance work and play or something. I mean, if you can catch my drift. Oh, not to mention that I'd rather have nothing to talk about than have my psychotic mind drop by and ruin everything. You know what? When I was still a student in a formal school studying my lessons was my work and surfing the internet was my play. Well, back then I wasn't consciously balancing work and play. I mean, I guess it just came out naturally or something. Well, these days keeping my blog updated from time to time and promoting my lyric video of my song “A Broken Record” on a social networking site are my work. Hmm, and I'm thinking reading good books and listening to good music are my play. Hmm, I think so. LOL.

Well, I'm thinking of dropping by online not to do the usual work but to do a little play. Hmm, maybe by watching music videos on a video sharing website or something will do. Oh, not to mention squeezing in making some corrections on the latest batch of blog posts I updated my blog with. Hmm, maybe I'll also go and send my lyrics of “A Broken Record” to a local newspaper. Well, I don't really know. Oh, and I think checking out other bloggers' blogs will be interesting too. Hmm, so what else am I gonna talk about? Well, I don't really know. You know what? I'm thinking of setting back sending a query to literary agents by December. Hmm, I'm thinking of sending a query to literary agents by the time my blog miraculously survives a year or something. Well, I don't know with me. Hmm, I guess I'll go and think about it or something.

Oh, talking about play. I mean, when college came I didn't know what to do with my mobile phone so I subconsciously turned it into a toy and texting to complete strangers became my play. Oh, not to mention that when graduate school came chatting to complete strangers also became my play. Well, I guess I was just so bored with my super boring life or something. Oh, and to add to that stalking my crushes online was also my play way back high school, college, and graduate school plus stalking my crushes on the school campus was also my play way back college. However, my student career was still my main priority even if the course I took for college is the least of my interest. I mean, I guess back then I was just after the college diploma and I didn't really care what course in college I'll graduate in or something. Well, I was thinking back then that a college diploma is my key to landing a good paying job as an office staff in a company then I can start earning my own dough and when I'm already earning my own dough then I can do and have whatever that is that I want in life or something. I mean, if you can catch my drift. Damn it.

Hmm, as I've said I guess I subconsciously chose to be normal back then. Well, it's just that my Bipolar Disorder came and changed everything. You know what? I'm thinking maybe I'm really meant to be a writer and God is simply preparing me for this dream of mine to be a writer someday to come true in the real world everybody knows. Yeah, right. It's like in my wildest dreams. Well, who knows? LOL. Hmm, so what else am I gonna talk about? Well, I don't really know. You know what? Let's put it this way, the past three years and eight months were like an undergraduate course in writing in order for me to polish my writing skills if I ever do have a skill in writing to begin with and let's just say that everything I wrote from the 15^th of June to the 15^th of October is part of the final project which is a requirement for graduation or something. I mean, it's like a Fine Arts major in Painting student who is required to put up one's own gallery of paintings as a requirement for graduation or what. Well, if you can catch my drift. Oh, so let's just say I passed the final project which is a requirement to graduate my course in writing so I'm a graduate by now or something. Yehey! Hmm, it's just that I don't think I'll start making some sense in my up coming blog drafts or something. I mean, if you can catch my drift. Damn it.

I'm Not a Fan of Mushy Songs

You know what? I have grown to dislike listening to mushy songs since I had Bipolar Disorder. Well, I'm thinking it has something to do with my head associating things in an unlikeable way which is honestly pretty damn annoying not to mention that it's really pissing me off. Damn it. I mean, my head doesn't associate things this way before I had Bipolar Disorder. Damn, I don't know what happened to my damn head why associating things went to worse from bad to worst from worse. Well, I guess this is the curse that comes along with having this kind of head I have or maybe the curse that comes along with having this Bipolar Disorder I have. You know what? It's like unwanted thoughts are trying to trespass inside my head and I just don't have a single clue how am I gonna stop those unwanted thoughts from trespassing 'coz it's really ruining my mood. Well, it's like the same thing is happening all over again. I mean, something like this happened around the second quarter of last year which somehow triggered my psychotic mind to drop by.

You know what? It seems like everything's been a cycle since I had this Bipolar Disorder. Well, I don't know why. I mean, all I know is if ever a cycle is really going on then I wanna put a stop to it and it better be now 'coz I don't wanna be a pain in the ass to those who put up with me all through these years that I'm suffering Bipolar Disorder. Hey, I'm trying to move on here. It's just that I don't know why I have a funny feeling that every time I try to make a step forward some creatures are doing everything in their power just to pull me backwards. Oh, here I go with my funny feelings without any basis at all. I mean, I think I better remind myself that when I don't really know the whole story then it's much better for me to keep my damn mouth shut. Well, for the mean time I guess it's much better for me to keep on make-believing that I'm working as an amateur writer online. I mean, I guess that will make the world a better place to live in. Damn it.

By the way, I'm an imaginative mind so I hope it won't come as a surprise if I'll end up being right in trying to read other creatures' wild imagination. Well, I guess I'll just go and let those other creatures think what they want. Hmm, let's just say it's like dreamers being told by skeptics to dream all they want 'coz it's free to dream anyway. LOL. I mean, I guess it's much better for me to simply end it as that. Well, it's just that there are times when trying to think like other creatures think makes me be in a bad mood and when I react while being in a bad mood I may end up saying things that are cold and I don't wanna end up hurting other creatures. Oh, it's just that in the previous cycles of my psychotic mind's visits I wasn't able to calm myself anymore. I was such in a bad mood that I wasn't able to hold all the negativity and cold words in and just let it all out by nagging or shall I say screaming. Oh, and to make things worst I ended up releasing all the negativity and cold words to the wrong people which happens to be my immediate family.

Well, I guess this is what I got for being such a silent type kind of person. Hmm, maybe in my blog I'm noisy. LOL. Well, a silent kind of noise that is. Hmm, it's just that me talking to somebody verbally about what I think is close to never. I mean, who would bother to listen to all my nonsense to begin with? Hmm, so I guess it's much better for me to type my thoughts down instead. You know what? I guess I'm just not over the mind reading without a gadget issue or something. You know what? I feel like I'm born in the wrong generation. LOL. Well, I guess the best thing for me to do is to learn how to Master the Art of Deadma whenever those unwanted thoughts try to trespass inside my head or whenever my head ends up associating things in an unlikeable way. Hmm, I'm thinking this issue has something to do why I wanna study Psychology or something. It's just that I don't think I'll be able to study Psychology in a formal school. I mean, it seems like I'm not ever going back to school anytime soon or maybe in my whole damn life.

Don't Talk to Strangers

If I'm not mistaken in one of my previous blog posts I mentioned that way back the early years of college I ended up joining a text clan and that I can no longer remember how that happened. Well, I went texting a lot those days to complete strangers 'coz I was so damn bored with life and I felt like playing. LOL. I mean, you can't blame me considering the fact that I took a very boring course for college. Well, good thing is I never agreed to meet those complete strangers in person. I mean, I'm not that stupid. LOL. Hmm, they don't know me in person anyway so what the heck.

So a few days ago I came to wonder with the rise of social networking sites for the past years do text clans still exist in the country today. Well, to answer that question I googled “text clan” on a social networking site via mobile a few days ago and in fairness results did popped out and then I went joining two text clan groups on that social networking site. Hmm, I think there's no harm in joining those groups anyway not to mention that I can also have the chance to promote my songs or blogs in those social networking groups. By the way, my request to join those two text clan groups on a social networking site were accepted. Hmm, so I guess it's time to do some self-promotion, huh? Well, there were still some groups that didn't accept my request to join them.

When I checked out my news feed a few hours before writing this blog post I read a post by a member of one of the text clan groups I joined recruiting people to join a text clan and giving instructions on how to join the said clan. Well, the good thing about that text clan that text clan recruiter is talking about is it's a wholesome text clan where maniacs are not allowed. Hmm, honestly I'm so bored with life these days that there's a part of me who wants to go texting and chatting to complete strangers all over again. Well, there's no harm in it 'coz I'll never agree for an eyeball or a meet-up or whatever you call it. LOL. I guess I just feel like talking to someone. LOL. Or shall I say I just feel like playing around all over again. LOL. Damn, just take a good look how pathetic can I get. Well, a part of me says it's wrong so I guess I better drop the idea.

Hmm, so you are asking why talk to complete strangers when there are people I know in person that I can possibly talk to. Well, the answer to that is when I'm talking to a complete stranger I can play around, come up with a new identity, and what not. It's like being 22_f_universe when I'm really 25_f_earth. Hmm, something like that. I mean, whereas if I'm talking to someone who knows me in person I can't dive into a new identity I just came up with out of the blue 'coz that would mean fooling that other person who knows me in person and I don't want that. Hmm, do you get me or is my grammar getting more and more confusing by the minute? Well, damn it.

Honestly, whenever I think about those textmates I had way back the early years of college I can't help feel sorry for them 'coz it seems like they were victims of me who ended up fooling around while texting to them due to severe boredom. I mean, there was even a point when I came to ask myself if am I such a bad person to do that to those textmates who happen to be complete strangers. Well, all I know is I'm not a bad person. LOL. I mean, I'm just someone super bored with my super boring life. LOL. So I'm having thoughts of joining a text clan all over again and this time around it's not to fool around or something. I'm thinking of making a text clan a marketing tool for me to promote my songs and blogs. Hmm, I think that's not such a bad idea. LOL. Oh, look at the bright side. I mean, it seems like I was able to learn something from that business-related course I took for college. LOL. Damn, I wonder if I wasn't that all too bookish as a student back then. By the way, I googled on a search engine how to join writing workshops here in town and it's too bad my research led me to nowhere. LOL. Well, never mind. LOL. Damn it.

Hush-Hush

If I think it over I don't really get anything from social networking sites aside from unleashing the gossip girl in me and freedom of expression so I'm kind of wondering why the hell am I still hooked to it. Well, I don't know with me. I joined social networking sites 'coz I wanted to have a glimpse of what's going on in my my batchmates' lives at present 'coz I haven't seen them for like years. So I created a social networking account one time and I added almost everyone in my yearbooks from grade school, high school, college, to graduate school in that account. LOL.

You know what? It's kind of weird 'coz after I did that adding thing I ended up gaining weight. Hmm, I don't know if me gaining weight is somehow connected to me adding almost everyone in my yearbooks. Well, I'm also thinking that months before I did that adding thing I just turned twenty-two and I came across a theory via radio one time saying that a person's body changes every seven years. Hmm, it so happen that since at that point in my life I ended up being one or two sizes larger than I was before I turned twenty-two. Uhm, do you get me or is my grammar getting more and more confusing? I wish I'll lose the weight I gained really soon or something.

I don't know with me but when I was younger it seems like a mobile phone and the internet are more of a playground to me or something. I don't know why. Well, I had my first mobile phone if I'm not mistaken way back the summer before college. Hmm, at first I didn't know what to do with my first mobile phone. I mean, I don't have my friends' contact numbers at that time or something. Uhm, I forgot how it happened but after a few weeks since college began I was able to get some of my high school friends' contact numbers. Well, maybe I was able to get one of my high school friend's contact number and I asked her to send me our other high school friends' contact numbers or something. Hmm, maybe that's what happened but I'm not so sure. LOL.

I also don't know how it happened but I ended up joining a text clan way back first year college. I'm thinking maybe one of my high school friends or one of my college friends introduced me to join a text clan. If I remember it right I was given a certain mobile number of who happens to be the administrator of that certain text clan. I sent a message to that number saying that I wanna join then after a few minutes messages from other clanmates welcoming me to the clan were flooding my inbox. I did what I can to save all the numbers and say thank you for welcoming me to the clan. Hmm, it's just that I don't know those clanmates in person and there were no social networking sites back then so I don't know what they look like or what are they like or something.

Well, whenever I'm bored way back first year college there were times when I just get my mobile phone and send quotes to almost everyone in my phonebook and if someone I texted to replies then I reply to that person's message and if that person replies to my reply then I go and reply to her/his reply until the conversation gets boring and either one of us will say goodbye or say that either one of us will text the other one later. Hmm, something like that. That's quite simple.

Hmm, I don't really feel like using this term but the term used to pertain to a person one talks to via text is a “textmate”. Well, I don't know how many textmates I had back then. All I know is I just replied and replied to their messages 'coz I was so bored with life and I need to play. LOL. Well, there were some who wanted to take it to the next level and wanted to see me in person. It's just that I'm not the type who does an eyeball so I did whatever I can to come up with an alibi. Oh, not to mention that there were some who wanted to take it to the next level in a sense that those textmates asked me to be their girlfriend. Yeah, that's a big problem. I mean, I haven't even seen those textmates in person and I don't know what they look like and the same thing with them 'coz they have not seen me in person and they don't know what I look like and then they want me to be their girlfriend? What a question mark. Just try to imagine how weird some people can be.

So what I did is I turned those textmates down saying whatever alibi that pops out of my head so I won't end up hurting their feelings. I mean, it's not a joke to be rejected. So I told them no and I don't wanna be their girlfriend and then I changed my number. Yeah, so that's the answer to why I often change my number back in my late teenage years. LOL. I mean, I was just bored and I felt like texting. Well, maybe back then I was thinking that I wasn't talking to another human being. Maybe I was thinking that I was just talking to my mobile phone the whole time or something.

You know what? I often send quotes to almost everyone in my phonebook back then and I'm thinking if I only knew that there's such thing as a micro-blogging website back then and it's easy to post something there then maybe I would just have posted all those quotes on my micro-blogging website account or what. Do you get me or is my grammar getting more and more confusing? I mean, you can't blame me. I took a boring course for college that's why I ended up playing around with my mobile phone. It's like studying my boring college lessons was my work and texting was my play. All I know is I didn't mean to cause trouble to anyone or something.

Oh, it's the same thing with chatting on online chatrooms. Well, on online chatrooms I'm more of promoting links or something. I mean, it's either a link to my blog or a link to a video I uploaded on a video sharing website or whatever link that is. Well, I don't really get anything out of promoting links on online chatrooms especially anything monetary. Oh, not to mention that there are times when I bump into naughty people sending visually disturbing photos on online chatrooms. Well, I learned to master the art of deadma when such stuffs happens so there's nothing to worry about me or what. I mean, I won't let such disturbing stuffs ruin my day.

Oh, not to mention that I also became let's say an undercover agent on an online messenger. Well, let's say the aim is to find out if a certain person is naughty or nice. LOL. So I created an account on an online messenger carrying a name I just came up with and bearing a photo of a female celebrity that appeared on a search engine's image results. Let's hide the target person by the name “Mr. Anagram”. So I added Mr. Anagram on that online messenger account I created and we started talking there for some time. I also created social networking accounts for my undercover identity to make it more convincing that that undercover identity is not a phony one.

Hmm, to make that online messenger account also more convincing I added as many people on that online messenger account as possible so Mr. Anagram will think that since the undercover identity has many friends then that undercover identity is a real person and not a phony one. Do you get me or is my grammar getting more and more confusing? Hmm, so the story goes like this. One day when Mr. Anagram and I were chatting on that online messenger account I pretended to be a naughty girl and tried to talk naughty. Well, sad news is Mr. Anagram replied in a naughty way to my naughty chat messages until stuffs went naughtier and naughtier until I ended up asking myself what have I gotten myself into. Hmm, to make the long story short it seems like I ended up having an online on-the-job training for a bachelor's degree in the arts of romance novels. Yeah, that's how dedicated I was to my task as an undercover agent on an online messenger at that time. LOL. Well, I was just typing the whole time while brainstorming for what to say next as I try to remember what I have read on those romance novels I read back then anyway so it's not much of a big deal. LOL. Okay, that's the most stupid thing I ever did in my whole damn life and I'm not ever doing it ever again. Hmm, so that ends my story as being once an undercover agent with the aim of figuring out if Mr. Anagram is naughty or nice. LOL.

Well, problem is the data I have gathered wasn't enough to conclude if Mr. Anagram is naughty or nice so sad news is I wasn't able to figure him out. On second thought since Mr. Anagram replied in a naughty way to my naughty messages when I pretended to be a naughty girl then it can somehow support the hunch that Mr. Anagram is a naughty or something. Damn, just try to imagine how pathetic can I get. LOL. As I've said I was being an undercover agent at that time and I was just typing the whole time so it's really not much of a big deal. Hmm, let's just say I was writing a romance novel back then and that was like the climax of the novel or something.

Hmm, I'm not psychotic anymore. It seems like my psychotic mind said goodbye for good. I don't even know why I'm writing about this stuff when I'm supposed to talk about social networking sites in the first place. Well, maybe 'coz Mr. Anagram and I met on a social networking site or something. LOL. FYI, I saw a photo of Mr. Anagram on that social networking site where we met and I saw him a few times via webcam so I know what he looks like and he is pretty damn good looking so maybe that's why I allowed myself to go as pathetic as I can be ending up to be an undercover agent on an online messenger and social networking sites with the aim of figuring out if Mr. Anagram is naughty or nice. Well, as they say that it's part of growing up. All I know is for sure it ain't happening ever again. Damn, I'm like what have I gotten myself into back then. LOL.

Well, look at the bright side 'coz now that I was able to have some sort of online on-the-job training for a bachelor's degree in the arts of romance novels then I now have an idea what to do and what not to do in the actual whatever thing or something. Do you get me? It's like what I read on those romance pocket books and romance novels back then were the theory or what a student reads in textbooks and then what happened on the online messenger with Mr. Anagram was the practice stage of the lesson or the application of the theory. It's just that news is I don't think in the real world everybody knows there will be an actual whatever thing in my whole damn life.

Scribble and Scratch It Down

I wrote a lot before this blog and I'm thinking if someone else was ever able to read what I wrote back then that person will most probably say something like “What a stupid and uneducated bitch is the one who wrote this shit.” LOL. I wrote most of what I wrote back when my disorder was at its worst in handwritten but there were some that I ended up posting on a blog 'coz I felt like screaming it to the whole world or something to make myself feel better. It's just that those stuffs I wrote were only about two percent of the real thing. LOL. It was just the tip of the iceberg.

It's just that I forgot whatever that was I wrote back then. I mean, I threw all those papers away and those papers are most probably in a dump site by now. I also deleted those blog posts after some time. I wonder what was that I wrote. Hmm, I forgot. LOL. I mean, I don't have my own copy of my literary masterpieces when my disorder was at its worst anymore. Hmm, it seems interesting to get the chance to read what I wrote back then again. It's just that I don't think that's possible 'coz I threw everything I wrote back then in the trash where it belongs. I mean, it was a stupid and uneducated bitch who wrote that shit anyway. LOL. Well, I was so disturbed back then so I guess what I wrote were most probably insane and out of this world stuffs or what.

I wonder if is it possible to read someone else's mind. Hmm, won't that be interesting? It's just that I'll most probably go out of my mind if God will give me the gift of mind reading. I wonder if someone out there can read my mind. Hmm, won't that be awful? Oh, not to mention that the mere thought of it can be so annoying. Well, if someone out there can read my mind I think that person will most probably end up going out of one's mind in the process. LOL.

I guess my dreams will remain as dreams forever 'coz I don't have what it takes to make those dreams come true. Oh, I remember my song “Sand Castles” 'coz there's a line in that song that goes something like “I go curling on my bed drifting into dreamland for a while.” Well, this kind of head God gave me may be a blessing at times but there are also times when this kind of head God gave me turns into a curse. All I know is I don't wanna go through some mental and emotional torture anymore or shall I say I don't want my psychotic mind to drop by 'til the end of time. I mean, it's not a joke or a laughing matter to go out of one's mind, mind you.

I'm thinking twice if I'll post photos here on my blog or what. Well, there are photo sharing websites whenever I wanna share some photos anyway so I guess it's much better for me to drop the idea. Well, not to mention that I don't really have that much photos to share. Well, I do have photos from way back memory lane. It's just that problem is we don't have a scanner here at home and I don't know if I can drop by the internet café to have those old pictures scanned as soon as possible. You know what? If I am to choose between painting on a canvas and taking pictures I'll most probably go with taking pictures. Oh, here comes the frustrated photographer without a digital camera. Well, if you can count a 2 megapixel camera phone in then that will be nice. LOL.

Hey, I'm thinking of dropping by a photo studio and have a photo of myself taken. I mean, I just wanna have a keepsake of what I look like now that I'm already in my mid-twenties. Well, problem is number one it seems like the cameras don't like me and number two I'm not that comfortable being in front of the camera especially when the camera is held by another person. By the way, I look different in photos and in person. Hmm, I don't know why. Well, it's a reality that the cameras don't like me but there are some limited edition cameras that seem to have an automatic photoshop when it comes to taking portraits of myself. LOL. Hmm, I don't know why.

Well, I'm a home buddy so there's really no point for me to have my own digital camera 'coz what kinds of scenery am I gonna capture when I'm often staying here at home. Oh, my current 2 megapixel camera phone doesn't like me. Well, my webcam used to have that so-called automatic photoshop that I'm babbling about. It's just that it's now broken so I can't take photos with my webcam anymore. Hmm, so I guess this is what happens when one's gadget is somehow depreciating. LOL. Oh, problem is I can't have a new laptop 'coz I don't have a single penny in my pocket for me to buy myself a new one. I can't even buy myself a new camera phone so how much more a new laptop. Damn, so it seems like this is the downside of being unemployed, huh?

Oh, not to mention that I look like a witch with this hair that I have. Hey, have you heard of costume playing or cosplaying if I'm not mistaken? Hmm, I wonder if costumes are available in some photo studios and wearing such costumes during the photo shoot is part of the whole package or something. Hmm, I hope they have wigs and I prefer one with a dark brownish red color. LOL. Oh, I want the wig with bangs too. LOL. Hmm, let's just say having a photo of myself taken in a photo studio is one of those stuffs that I wanna do in my bucket list. LOL.

I mean, a least there will a photo to be displayed right above my coffin during my wake, right? LOL. Oh, speaking of my wake I want something like this written on my epitaph when I leave this world of the living “A complicated girl who once lived in a simple world.” Hmm, I think I'll go to a photo studio and have a photo of myself taken one of these days. I mean, I only live once. Hmm, I wonder if there's such thing as reincarnation. If ever there's such thing then I wonder who was I in my past lives and who will I be in my future lives. Well, I don't really know. Never mind.

Second Language

I'm thinking of going back job hunting and apply as an ESL Teacher. Well, I know how to speak the English Language but problem is I'm so sure if I know how to explain the complexities of the English grammar to ESL Students. I'm willing to be trained though. I mean, I guess it's time for me to wake up from my dreamland make-believing that I'm working as an amateur writer online and start earning my own dough in the real world everybody knows. Hmm, now I'm thinking twice if am I gonna push through with job hunting or not. Damn, I don't know with me.

I mean, it's been years since college graduation and since I withdrew out of graduate school and I'm still part of the unemployed group. Damn, if I only have what it takes to make my unreachable and impossible dreams come true. Okay, so I'm gonna go online and go job hunting for nearby ESL Schools looking for ESL Teachers. Well, I guess the problem is I just don't believe in my potentials or something. Oh, not to mention that I'm such a pessimist. You know what? If I can only spend the rest of my life earning my own dough by writing then that will surely make the whole damn world a better place to live in. Damn, can somebody wake me up?

You know what? I heard someone once said that if one thinks that a task is easy then it will be easy but if one thinks that a task is difficult then it will surely be difficult. Hmm, I'm thinking that does make some sense. So why won't I think that being an ESL Teacher is just as easy as one-two-three? I guess that will somehow boost my self-confidence a little. LOL. Oh, not to mention when I went job hunting a few years ago I usually end up spoiling everything during the job interview. Well, the difference now is I'm not that depressed girl anymore or shall I say I'm not that disturbed girl with a psychotic mind anymore so I guess I'll most probably do good in the job interviews that I'm gonna go through whenever I'll go and push though with my job hunting.

Oh, is my grammar too confusing? Well, I don't really know. I mean, this is just that way that I write and in my case as long as it sounds good then it's fine. But in fairness to our English Teachers back in school they never failed to remind us that it doesn't mean that it sounds good then the grammar is correct. Hmm, yes I know how to speak and write in English. It's just that I'm thinking there's still a whole lot more that I don't know about the English Language. Damn, now I'm really thinking twice if am I gonna push through with job hunting as an ESL Teacher or what.

Oh, why am I writing in English? Well, it's because I consider English as a Universal Language in a sense that a lot of people around the world know how to speak it or are learning how to speak it so it's like if someone who knows how to speak in English from the other side of the globe finds my blog and reads my posts then it will be easy for that person to understand what I wrote. Hmm, I guess that's as simple as that. I guess it's not about in what language one expresses one's self 'coz it's all about expressing one's self in a language one feels most comfortable. I guess so.

Oh, here comes the side of me thinking that I'm unemployable. It's just that it really sucks to still be dependent on my parents now that I'm already in my mid-twenties. Hey, why won't I just do some artworks here at home and sell them online instead? Hmm, I guess that will make the whole damn world a better place to live in. I mean, it suits my personality very well and making artworks is what I'm good at anyway not to mention that it's the only clear talent that God gave me. It's just that it's been ages since I did some artworks 'coz I was so focused with living my dreams as a frustrated singer songwriter and frustrated writer for the past three years. Well, I guess it's never too late to polish my talent in making artworks all over again, right? Hey, I wanna be forever fourteen and funny thing is a decade after which makes me twenty-four I was able to live my unreachable and impossible dreams even just inside the four walls of my room. LOL. I guess there's really a time for everything, huh? I guess it's more than enough that I could ask for.

Hmm, so I guess there's a change of plan. I'm gonna go and get myself a sketchpad, some pencils, and some coloring materials then I'm gonna go and come up with artworks here at home. I mean, I'm really a home buddy and I really have this strong feeling that I'm unemployable. Hey, why won't I ask for a sign from God? Okay, so if I go job hunting online and there's a nearby ESL School looking for ESL Teachers then I'm gonna give it a shot but if there's none then I'm gonna push through with making artworks. Hmm, I hope I'll get an answer soon and that's an amen.