Flipping the Pages of the Past

I guess it's much better for me to stop myself whenever I end up being on my way to flipping the pages of the past. I mean, thinking about the past is not helping not to mention that I don't want my psychotic mind to drop by all over again. Well, the worst thing that ever happened in my damn life is having this Bipolar Disorder I have. Damn, why won't I look at the bright side? I mean, if there ever is a bright side to having this disorder I have. On second thought, if I didn't have this disorder I have I wouldn't have the courage to face my fears and live my dreams or shall I say frustrations even just inside the four walls of my room. Hmm, so let's just leave it as that.

I'm running fifty-seven percent done in reading this Fantasy book series I'm reading these days. Well, I guess I need to constantly remind myself that reading this book series is supposed to entertain me and not pressure the hell out of me. Damn it. Well, there's nothing much going on in my life these days aside from reading this book series I'm reading these days and keeping a blog updated not to mention promoting my lyric video for my song “A Broken Record” which in fairness reached another milestone lately on the video sharing website where I uploaded it. Yeah.

Damn, as I've said I'm on my way to reading the climax of the whole book series. Hmm, nothing much. I just thought of saying that one over again. LOL. So what else am I gonna talk about aside from my thoughts and my feelings and anything nonsense in between? Well, I don't really know. Damn, I'm still wishing for a thousand views for “A Broken Record” for Christmas or make it a million. LOL. Actually, the last time I checked the views for my lyric video is now twenty-five percent of what I'm wishing for. Well, thanks to social networking sites that is. Hmm, whatever.

Well, one of the few things I learned in the past is that if I really don't know the whole story then it's much better for me to keep my damn mouth shut. I mean, sometimes having an imaginative mind has its disadvantages. LOL. Oh, you just don't have any idea how wild my imagination was back when my disorder was at its worst. Well, now that I'm recovering but not fully recovered I guess the best thing for me to do is just to laugh it off. I mean, thanks to the anti-psychotic and mood stabilizer I came back to my senses and I now know what's sane and what's not. Amen.

I'm trying to live my life to the fullest the way I know how these days. I'm still praying that the right path will dawn on me one day. Well, if being a writer is what God wrote for me to be in the book of my life that He wrote before I was ever born into this world then here I am doing my baby steps as I am religiously keeping a blog as of the moment. I mean, there are even times when I can't imagine myself doing anything else aside from being a writer and singer songwriter. Well, that if you talk about the real world and not in fantasy land. I mean, if you can catch my drift. Hmm, if I can't be a singer songwriter which is quite obvious then please let me be a writer.

I guess for now all I can be is someone make-believing that I'm working as an amateur writer online. Hmm, that will do for now. I mean, I live in a world of my own my whole life so there's really nothing new with make-believing that I'm living my strongest frustrations even just inside the four walls of my room. By the way, this Fantasy book series that I'm reading these days is getting more and more exciting by the second even if I have seen the movie version and I already know what will happen. Well, I guess it's God's perfect timing that I am having the chance to read the book series at this point in my life 'coz if I read the book series when I was still a teenager I have a funny feeling I'll most probably won't understand a thing. I mean, I think I have mentioned how bad my reading comprehension was back then, right? Well, so the adventure goes on, huh?

Unleashing the Bookworm in Me

I'd choose to read a book than watch the television these days. I mean, I don't know why but since I had this disorder I have I have grown to dislike watching the television. Hmm, I have a theory but I don't feel like stressing it out here on my blog. I mean, I don't know why but most if not all entertainment shows on television these days are not entertaining anymore and I just can't stand watching. Hmm, I can't blame kids if they prefer to surf the internet than watch television these days. As for me, I'd choose to read a book or write a blog entry. Hey, I'm just being honest. LOL.

So I'm forty-three percent running fifty-seven percent done in reading this Fantasy book series I'm reading these days and it seems like I'm on my way to reading the climax of the whole book series. Hmm, I won't be surprised if you have figured out what Fantasy book series it is that I'm reading these days. I mean, it seems like my accidental clues somehow made it super obvious. LOL. I read the forty-three percent of the book series for a span of one week. Hmm, never mind.

Damn, why did I choose the word “Bookworm” in the title of this blog post? I mean, I can't help associate it to somebody or something. Oh, it's a fictional character and you guessed it right that it's from the book series I'm reading these days. Well, more specifically the word “worm”. Hmm, if you have figured out what book series it is by now then I guess you can easily relate to what the hell I am talking about. Oh, speaking of relating stuffs I'd like to add that I have been associating stuffs in an unlikeable way since I had this disorder I have not to mention that it's making me moody sometimes. Well, thank goodness for the anti-psychotic and mood stabilizer giving aid.

I mean, my brain isn't like this before I had this disorder I have. Well, there are even times when I end up feeling like I have to choose my words carefully just to refrain from being misinterpreted by other people. I mean, you know how much the mere thought of it annoys me so much. It's annoying to be misinterpreted, mind you. Well, it's not my problem why other people think the way they do so the heck with the world. Okay, so why won't I change the topic or something?

So what else am I gonna talk about aside from my thoughts and my feelings and anything nonsense in between? Well, I don't really know. I'm thinking it's much better for me not to be too religious in reading this Fantasy book series I'm reading these days. Hmm, maybe I'll go and read a chapter at a time. I mean, I don't want my brain to overheat and break down like the way it did way back the last months of the second semester of third year college. It's like not biting more than I can chew. Yeah, I got that one from the book series I'm reading these days. I realized I was pushing myself to my limits way back college until I reached my breaking point. Damn it. Sigh.

Oh, here I go flipping the pages of the past all over again. I guess I better sing “A Broken Record” to myself or something. LOL. All I can say is it was part of God's plan. I guess I took my career as a student too seriously back then. Well, I always did since kindergarten. It's just that I guess my brain found it quite a challenge to understand all those college books. I relied on reviewers too much until I grew tired of coming up with patterns just to answer the examinations. I guess I just realized back then that I wasn't really able to understand anything since first year college 'coz if somebody will give me a problem that has a structure way too different from the one's in the reviewers then I surely won't be able to answer those problems. Damn, just try to imagine the feeling when it sank in me that I wasted three years of my life studying a course in college I'm not a bit interested in not to mention that I wasn't really able to understand a thing. I'm not qualified to be in the corporate world not to mention that I don't belong there anyway. So I guess by now you know why I have a funny feeling that I'm unemployable, huh? Hmm, damn it.

Make the Most Out of Time

Damn, I don't wanna end up taking reading this book series I'm reading these days too seriously to the point that I'll end up reading it like there will be an exam about it the next day. LOL. I mean, it's supposed to entertain and not pressure the hell out of me, right? Yeah, I thought so. LOL. I'm still running forty-three percent done in reading the book series and hopefully in a day or two I'll be able to get there. I guess the best thing for me to do is to take my time and all that. Oh, have you figured out what book series it is? Well, if you haven't then how couldn't you after all the accidental clues I have given so far? Hmm, I'm feeling like a tween these days. LOL.

Well, I think magic is a scary stuff to deal with so I don't wanna have anything to do with it. LOL. Hmm, I guess I prefer to be normal in this normal world we all live in. Well, that if you can still consider me as normal. LOL. Hmm, so after reading this Fantasy book series that I'm reading these days I'm thinking of reading a novel that's more on Psychology or Mystery. Well, I don't know with me. Hmm, I guess the best thing for me to do is to take it one book at a time since I'm still running forty-three percent done in reading this Fantasy book series I'm currently reading.

Hmm, so what else am I gonna talk about? Well, I don't really know. Hmm, I guess it's a good thing that I have a book series to read and a blog to write to keep me busy. I mean, at least those will help shun unwanted thoughts or shall I say stop my psychotic mind from coming back to town. Well, I'm still under medication these days. I take an anti-psychotic and a mood stabilizer both once a day to deal with this Bipolar Disorder I have. I wrote a draft last night of a supposed to be blog post. It's just that I decided not to post that draft on my blog 'coz I find that draft too personal and I think I'm not ready to share whatever that is here on my blog and that's an amen.

I mean, I only wrote the tip of the iceberg in that blog draft and I don't want readers if I ever do have some end up coming up with the rest of the iceberg hidden under the deep ocean with their wild imagination 'coz you just don't have any idea how it annoys me too much. Hmm, so here I am coming up with another blog draft. Well, all I can say is it was all part of God's plan. Hmm, it seems like it's time for me to sing my song “A Broken Record” to myself, huh? Well, whatever.

Oh, speaking of “A Broken Record”. I mean, I dropped by via mobile to its lyric video that I uploaded on a video sharing website and I noticed that someone left a comment. Oh, not to mention that my lyric video now has one dislike but at least it also has one like. LOL. Hmm, so going back to the comment. I decided to check out the comment only to find out that it says something like “This song both hurts my brain and my soul.”. Hmm, I hope I got the words correctly but that's how I remember it. I don't know if I'll take that comment in a good way or in a bad way. Actually, that's the second comment for my lyric video 'coz the first one was deleted.

Hey, it seems like I'm somehow learning my lesson, huh? I mean, last night I ended up flipping the pages of the past which is not good and when I wake up this morning I realized to just close that chapter of my life and talk about the present. Hmm, at least I'm improving or something. LOL. Well, I don't really have an interesting past but if you can consider all my insecurities plus all my unreachable and impossible dreams interesting then it's up to you. LOL. Oh, so what is this blog post supposed to be about? Well, it's supposed to be about making the most out of time. Hmm, never mind. LOL. Oh, I spent most of my life daydreaming. I mean, what can you expect from a daydreamer like me? LOL. Hmm, I don't know if daydreaming is a waste of time or what. Damn, if I only know how to put my daydreams into writing I would have written a lot of novels by now. Well, problem is I don't so I guess it's much better for me to live with it and say amen.

End of the Story

I'm twenty-nine percent running forty-three percent done reading this book series I'm reading these days. Well, as I went on reading I noticed more and more differences between the book version and the movie version. Oh, not to mention that back then there were some fanatics who said that one won't be able to understand the movie if one has not read the book. As for me, I won't be able to picture out the book if I wasn't able to watch the movie first. LOL. Whatever.

Well, I'm still not over that sensitive topic I mentioned in my previous post. It's just that I'm not talking about it here on my blog. I mean, it's for the best of everyone. LOL. Hey, an idea just popped out of my head. Well, what if I write about this sensitive topic playing in my head these days with pen and paper then I roll the paper where I wrote what I wrote then place it inside a bottle then let it float in the ocean? Hmm, or tie the precious paper to a string of a balloon and let it fly to the sky? Damn, here I go with wild ideas all over again, huh? Well, forget about it. LOL.

Oh, the last time I went online I dropped by a video sharing website and watched the latest music videos of the Punk Princess and the Mother Monster. Well, I'd rather not say anything 'coz the Punk Princess' Little Black Stars and the Mother Monster's Little Monsters might strangle me. LOL. On second thought all I can say is it seems like both are experimenting this time and going through an artistic journey. Well, we live in a generation of open-minded people so I think such is not such a big deal. I mean, if you know what I mean. LOL. So I'm shutting my mouth up. LOL.

Oh, I'm running forty-three percent done in reading this book series that I'm reading these days and I just can't wait to get to the end of the story. Well, I have seen the movie and I know how the story will end. It's just that I wanna know how the ending was written in the book. Hmm, I'm thinking it's much better for me to not get too over-excited. I mean, there's fifty-seven percent more to go which is a lot of reading. I guess the best thing to do is to take my time. I mean, I have seen the movie version and let's just say having the chance to read the book version is a bonus.

On second thought, it's not really a bonus. I mean, I always wanted to have my own copy of the complete book series back then and read every single book from the very first chapter of the first book to the very last chapter of the last book. Well, this is like a dream come true or something. Hmm, sort of. LOL. I guess I better thank that someone who made having a copy of the book series possible. Well, I'm not disclosing who that someone is. It's top secret. LOL. Hmm, I guess that someone just gave me an early Christmas present, huh? Well, I'll forever be thankful for it.

Oh, speaking of Christmas present. I mean, my lyric video for my song “A Broken Record” that I uploaded on my video sharing website's channel carrying my official pen name “Adeline Chrystyn” has reached another milestone on the video sharing website where I uploaded it. I'm still wishing for a thousand views though or make it a million. LOL. Oh, this coming September it will officially be the start of the Christmas season in this country where I live in. Damn, just look at how time flies. Hey, I wonder if there will come a time when countries near the equator will also have four seasons in a year namely Winter, Spring, Summer, and Autumn. Damn, what will it be like to see some snow? Well, I don't really know. I'm thinking my favorite season is Spring. Hmm, make a wild guess why. LOL. Oh, the Punk Princess will be celebrating her birthday by the 27^th of September. She's running twenty-nine if my Math serves me right and she still looks like a teenager to me. Damn, I wonder what's the secret to being a vampire. Oh, speaking of forever young I decided to give a clue on what is this book series I'm reading these days if you still have not figured it out by now after all the accidental clues I have given so far. LOL. Well, here's the clue. I mean, the fourteen percent of the book series is somehow related to wanting to be immortal. Hmm, I guess so. LOL. Well, I don't really know. Hmm, whatever. LOL.

Playing with One's Imagination

While reading this book series that I'm reading these days I feel like I'm living in a whole new world. LOL. Hmm, I wonder if such world is really in existence. Damn, here I go being a tween all over again. You know what? There are times when I wish that I was part of the movie version of the book series. I mean, being an extra will do as long as I'll be able to be in the set and all that. Well, if you talk about wearing the costumes on Halloween then damn I'm too old for that. LOL.

I don't know why these days some people found a way of making witches, wizards, vampires, werewolves, and what not lovable when such creatures were somehow making some kids let's say pee in their pants even by the mere thought of such creatures. Well, look at most kids now. I mean, it seems like they got over their fear and ended up being such a fanatic. You know what? I'm wondering if witches, wizards, vampires, werewolves, and what not really exist and this fantasy creatures invasion is part of their aim to one day be accepted in the society we all live in.

Damn, I wonder if there's such thing as magic. You know what? I have read some books with magic as the main theme. I have a copy of those books here with me. Hmm, remember me saying that I don't feel like reading those books all over again 'coz I got a funny feeling about it? Well, it has something to do with magic. I mean, I have this funny feeling that someone cast a spell on the books or something and all that. Oh, don't ask me what kind of spell 'coz I don't have any idea.

Hmm, so here I go with my imaginative mind all over again, huh? Well, what can you expect from someone who is not so in touch with reality like me? LOL. Oh, I remember something. Well, in other countries they are making vampires look sophisticated or what making a fanatic wanting to be one. LOL. It's just that here in the country where I live in they are making vampires look like monsters making anyone out there wishing not to bump into one. Well, I guess that's just one of the many differences of western and eastern countries. Hmm, I guess so. Damn it.

Oh, it's the same thing with witches and wizards. I mean, in some countries they look sophisticated just like in the movie version of a book series making kids and kids at heart wanting to be one. It's just that in some countries witches and wizards are feared by many 'coz they imagine them to be creepy looking creatures giving the impression that most of them use dark magic. Oh, which reminds me that when I dropped by a secondhand bookshop a few years ago I spotted a book about witchcraft displayed behind the glass wall of the shop. Well, never mind.

Hey, I remember the summer before college I ended up thinking of writing a story about vampires. Well, in the story it's the vampires who live in the normal world and it's the humans who are said to be fantasy creatures. Hmm, quite the up-side-down of reality or something. So to continue I thought of a scene when there's a vampire who went into a bathroom and a few seconds after came running outside the bathroom screaming “Human! Human! Human in the bathroom! Human with Garlic in the bathroom!” and then everyone went screaming as they went running as far as they could from the bathroom where there was a sight of a human with garlic. Hmm, I find that funny. LOL. Well, which makes me wonder if there's another planet out there in the whole universe where witches, wizards, vampires, and werewolves are living. Oh, now I'm thinking about reincarnation. Well, I'm wondering what if when a person dies before going to hell, purgatory, or heaven the soul of that deceased person is asked to choose whether one wants to be reincarnated or not. If that person says one wants to be reincarnated that deceased person is asked to choose in which world one wants to be in in one's next life and one of the choices is to live in the world of witches, wizards, vampires, and never mind werewolves 'coz I'm not really a fan of werewolves. LOL. Hmm, so here I go with my wild imagination all over again, huh? LOL.

Always Getting Pitchy

I have tried to sing the Punk Princess' songs for a gazillion times and it turns out that I cannot sing most if not all of her songs without getting pitchy. LOL. Damn, when will I ever sing like her? I mean, it's nothing new that those who have heard me sing live and in the flesh found my singing voice too annoying. Oh, there's another topic playing in my head these days. It's just that I also feel like not writing a whole blog entry about it. No, it has nothing to do with that sensitive topic I'm talking about in my previous post. It's a whole new world different from that. Whatever.

So why won't I talk about something else? Well, I'm reading a book these days and don't ask me what book it is 'coz I'm not saying. Hmm, maybe I'll tell you after reading the whole book series. Hey, was that a clue? Well, I'm not saying anything else 'coz if I tell you how many books are there in the series then you will surely figure that out in a snap of a finger. On second thought all I can say is the book series either has seven, four, or three books and it has a movie version. Well, I have seen the movie version and while reading the book version I noticed a lot of differences.

Oh, don't ask me how I got the book version 'coz I'm not saying and I'm also not saying how I was able to watch the movie version. Damn, am I really living up to being a “Mysterious Girl”, huh? LOL. Well, if I am then I find nothing wrong with it. Oh, I remember our high school yearbook. I mean, when the whole batch was in the process of coming up with that yearbook one classmate suggested to label myself as “Mysterious Girl” in the yearbook. Well, I don't know with me back then why I said “No” and decided to leave what I submitted to them the way it is.

So here I go wishing I can turn back time all over again, huh? It's just that there's no such thing as time travel these days not to mention that I find traveling back in time a bit scary. Hey, now I'm thinking it's a good thing that I'm reading this book series I'm currently reading right now. I mean, while reading the book series I feel like making up to the time I lost for something that I'd rather not say. LOL. Well, honestly I don't exactly know why I feel like I wasted too much time in my whole damn life. Damn, I wonder what it will be like if I didn't fear failure that much. Damn it.

Hey, here I go going off-topic all over again. I mean, I'm supposed to write about being pitchy. Well, that's what the title says. It's just that I don't know with me why sometimes I end up writing a blog post with a content way too off-topic with its title. Hmm, I don't know with me. LOL. I guess that's just me and the best thing to do is just to live with it. I mean, this is how God designed me and He happens to be the best artist that ever existed. Well, I guess that's an amen.

Oh, I remember this story I wrote in a notebook way back the last year of grade school. Well, a girl in class borrowed it from me 'coz she wanted to read it. Hmm, the problem is my notebook where that story I wrote was written was never returned. Well, I'm thinking maybe that girl classmate forgot about it or much worse threw my notebook in the trash or something. Hey, I'm not keeping my hopes high but I'm thinking of searching for that girl on a social networking site and ask her if she remembers that notebook she borrowed from me way back the last year of grade school and where is it now. Well, maybe 'coz a part of me wants to read that story in that notebook all over again not to mention that I also want to find out how my writing style was way back grade school. Or maybe I just better forget about it. Damn, I remember when I was in grade school I wanted to be the youngest bestselling author of all time. LOL. Well, thing is I'm twenty-five now and all I can do for now is to keep updating a blog. Hey, I'm trying to live my life to the fullest these days. Oh, not to mention that I have read somewhere that there are some writers who just stay at home most if not all of the time and maybe some of them never leave the house. LOL.

Talk About a Sensitive Topic

You know what? A sensitive topic is playing in my head these days. Well, I wrote a paragraph about it with pen and paper just to get over it and somehow writing about it made me feel a whole lot better. It's just that I don't think writing a whole blog entry about this sensitive topic I'm talking about and posting it here on my blog is such a good idea. I guess I'd like to leave things a mystery after all I'm “Mysterious Girl”, remember? Well, what the heck? LOL. Hmm, whatever.

So why won't I talk about something else? Hmm, so what am I gonna talk about? Well, I don't really know. Oh, now I'm thinking keeping this sensitive topic playing in my head a mystery may end up making other people come up with possibilities on what this sensitive topic might be with their wild imagination which is quite annoying. I mean, it doesn't mean that I'm keeping a blog online I'm gonna blab everything here. I guess there are things in life that are best to be kept to one's self like this sensitive topic playing in my head these days. Well, I guess so. Damn it. LOL.

By the way, a few days ago I got the chance to watch the Princess of Pop's concert in Las Vegas again that took place if I'm not mistaken on the same year her home country had a terrorist attack. Well, if you ask me I can honestly say that that was the best concert I have ever seen in my whole damn life. I mean, if you ask me based on that Princess of Pop's concert in Las Vegas that I'm talking about I can honestly say that the Princess of Pop is the best performer of this generation. Hmm, so I guess I won't add anything more to that 'coz the Princess of Pop's Army might strangle me by saying what I'm about to say. Well, on second thought I'll write it down anyway. I mean, what I want to say is everything changed since she got married and had her two sons. Well, if you know what I mean. Oops! I hope the Princess of Pop's Army will forgive me for what I just wrote. LOL. So might as well just enjoy the music 'coz I'm still a fan though and forever will be.

Hey, I'm wondering why is it that most female music artists end up re-inventing themselves just to survive the mainstream music industry. I mean, take the Punk Princess as a sample. I'm wondering if the Punk Princess didn't change her image will she survive this long in the mainstream music industry. Well, I hope the Punk Princess' Little Black Stars won't strangle me for wondering this way about the Punk Princess. Damn, I wonder what's the secret to being a vampire. LOL. So might as well just enjoy the music 'coz I'm still a fan though and forever will be. I mean, it were the Princess of Pop and the Punk Princess who inspired me to be a singer songwriter someday. It's just that I don't have that “It” they have whatever that “It” is that they are talking about. Well, as they say one just can't get everything one wants. LOL. Well, whatever.

By the way, I'm thinking of coming up with a final “It's a Mess by Adeline Chrystyn”. Hmm, so far I have three songs which are “Can't Tell You”, “Scream”, and “A Broken Record” which means I have nine more songs to go to complete the whole record. It's just that this time around I'm wishing of making the record acoustic. Well, problem is I don't have a single penny in my pocket to buy myself a guitar. Hmm, so I guess this is another downside of being unemployed, huh? Well, I'm thinking if I can't make it in the mainstream music industry then why not give being an independent music artist a try. Hmm, I don't really know. Hey, I'm thinking of joining a singing workshop. I mean, what if joining a singing workshop can be my stepping stone to having a real studio record album? It's just that I don't think it's a good idea 'coz joining a singing workshop is just for kids in this youth worshiping society we all live in. Or maybe why won't I go and research for singing workshops without an age limit? Hmm, that sounds like a good idea.

Don't Talk to Strangers

If I'm not mistaken in one of my previous blog posts I mentioned that way back the early years of college I ended up joining a text clan and that I can no longer remember how that happened. Well, I went texting a lot those days to complete strangers 'coz I was so damn bored with life and I felt like playing. LOL. I mean, you can't blame me considering the fact that I took a very boring course for college. Well, good thing is I never agreed to meet those complete strangers in person. I mean, I'm not that stupid. LOL. Hmm, they don't know me in person anyway so what the heck.

So a few days ago I came to wonder with the rise of social networking sites for the past years do text clans still exist in the country today. Well, to answer that question I googled “text clan” on a social networking site via mobile a few days ago and in fairness results did popped out and then I went joining two text clan groups on that social networking site. Hmm, I think there's no harm in joining those groups anyway not to mention that I can also have the chance to promote my songs or blogs in those social networking groups. By the way, my request to join those two text clan groups on a social networking site were accepted. Hmm, so I guess it's time to do some self-promotion, huh? Well, there were still some groups that didn't accept my request to join them.

When I checked out my news feed a few hours before writing this blog post I read a post by a member of one of the text clan groups I joined recruiting people to join a text clan and giving instructions on how to join the said clan. Well, the good thing about that text clan that text clan recruiter is talking about is it's a wholesome text clan where maniacs are not allowed. Hmm, honestly I'm so bored with life these days that there's a part of me who wants to go texting and chatting to complete strangers all over again. Well, there's no harm in it 'coz I'll never agree for an eyeball or a meet-up or whatever you call it. LOL. I guess I just feel like talking to someone. LOL. Or shall I say I just feel like playing around all over again. LOL. Damn, just take a good look how pathetic can I get. Well, a part of me says it's wrong so I guess I better drop the idea.

Hmm, so you are asking why talk to complete strangers when there are people I know in person that I can possibly talk to. Well, the answer to that is when I'm talking to a complete stranger I can play around, come up with a new identity, and what not. It's like being 22_f_universe when I'm really 25_f_earth. Hmm, something like that. I mean, whereas if I'm talking to someone who knows me in person I can't dive into a new identity I just came up with out of the blue 'coz that would mean fooling that other person who knows me in person and I don't want that. Hmm, do you get me or is my grammar getting more and more confusing by the minute? Well, damn it.

Honestly, whenever I think about those textmates I had way back the early years of college I can't help feel sorry for them 'coz it seems like they were victims of me who ended up fooling around while texting to them due to severe boredom. I mean, there was even a point when I came to ask myself if am I such a bad person to do that to those textmates who happen to be complete strangers. Well, all I know is I'm not a bad person. LOL. I mean, I'm just someone super bored with my super boring life. LOL. So I'm having thoughts of joining a text clan all over again and this time around it's not to fool around or something. I'm thinking of making a text clan a marketing tool for me to promote my songs and blogs. Hmm, I think that's not such a bad idea. LOL. Oh, look at the bright side. I mean, it seems like I was able to learn something from that business-related course I took for college. LOL. Damn, I wonder if I wasn't that all too bookish as a student back then. By the way, I googled on a search engine how to join writing workshops here in town and it's too bad my research led me to nowhere. LOL. Well, never mind. LOL. Damn it.

Live and in the Flesh

So my favorite American rock band had a concert in my country last 13^th of August and it's too bad I wasn't able to watch them play live and in the flesh. LOL. Well, to add to that I only found out about the concert a few hours before the said event via mobile on a social networking site. Hmm, it's just that I'm thinking even if they'll go and play live in a venue nearby where I don't have to ride a plane just to get there I don't think I'm gonna get the chance to watch them anyway. Well, never mind the reason why 'coz I don't feel like stressing it out. LOL. Damn, never mind.

Well, good news is based on my google via mobile on a social networking site my favorite American rock band had a successful concert and I'm so happy for them though it's such a pain in the heart not to witness them rock the whole house down. LOL. Damn, I wonder what it will be like to see my crush who happens to be the lead vocal sing live and in the flesh. Or way much better get a V.I.P. pass and have a photo taken with him. Well, I don't really know. Damn it. LOL.

Honestly, I was only able to get a copy of their first two record albums. Well, I have the cassette version 'coz it's what I can afford and we have a cassette player at home those days anyway. If I'm not mistaken by the time they released their third record album cassette tapes were extinct by then due to the rise of mp3s so it's either I'll get a copy of the C.D. or get an mp3 copy of their songs. Well, problem is I'm not that rich to do that so up until now I don't have a copy of my favorite American rock band's third to their latest record albums. Damn, what kind of fan am I? LOL.

Well, on second thought not having a copy of all of my favorite American rock band's record albums doesn't make me less of a fan. I mean, there are even times when I'm in a bad mood I just simply go and listen to their music and then I end up feeling a whole lot better. Hey, this is an off topic but I'll write it down anyway. Well, what I want to say is I wish the Punk Princess will release a greatest hits record album after her self-titled fifth studio record album. I mean, I'm not that rich to buy a copy of her third to her latest record albums so might as well get a copy of the greatest hits instead if ever the Punk Princess will go and release one. Damn, how I wish. LOL.

Hey, I just realized that I was such a fanatic way back late grade school to high school days. It's just that everything changed when college came. Well, maybe one factor I can consider is the stereo at home got broken so what's the point of getting a copy of cassette tapes and C.D.s when I can't play and listen to those anyway. Hmm, to add to that then came the rise of mp3s and video sharing websites. Damn, what am I saying? Hey, I'm thinking those weren't the only reasons why the fanatic in me bid farewell or something. Hmm, I'm thinking I'll go with having the stereo at home broken as one of the main factors. Well, I can't think of anything else. LOL. Never mind.

Well, I miss those days when I get the chance to listen to the whole studio record albums of my favorite artists. I mean, as a fan I feel like getting a copy of those record albums I missed and catch up on my favorite artists' music or something. Well, problem is I'm not that rich to do that. Oh, not to mention that when college came two of my favorite music channels switched to cable so I can't watch music videos of the latest songs anymore. Well, it seems like the fanatic in me is somehow coming back to town for good or something. LOL. It's just that if you ask me I like the music best when I was still in high school. Oh, I still have my cassette tapes here with me. I kept them all in a shoe box. By the way, my mobile phone's sound recorder isn't broken so I recorded my voice singing the latest song I wrote. Well, at first I thought my latest song isn't video sharing website worthy. It's just that after recording it on my mobile phone's sound recorder I thought my latest song isn't that bad after all and I'm thinking of uploading it on my official video sharing website's channel carrying my official pen name “Adeline Chrystyn”. Well, I don't really know.

I'm Trying to Read the Signs

As I've said it seems like the magic of those once in a blue moon songwriting sessions is gone now but in fairness I was able to write a new song recently. It's just that I don't find the song video sharing website worthy. Well, not on my official channel but I think my recent song will do on my unofficial channel. Hmm, problem is even if I'm thinking of uploading my recent song on my unofficial channel on a video sharing website I don't think that's possible 'coz number one my laptop's sound recorder is broken not to mention that number two it seems like my headset with microphone is probably in a dump site by now. Well, as they say it's part of growing up. LOL.

So I'm thinking what if having my laptop's sound recorder and headset with microphone broken signs from God that being a singer songwriter slash recording artist someday isn't what He wrote for me to be in the book of my life that He wrote before I was ever born in this world. Hmm, do you get me or is my grammar getting more and more confusing by the minute? LOL. Well, I'm thinking maybe I'm not really that over-aged to dream to be a singer songwriter slash recording artist someday. I mean, there's this female singer songwriter who made her debut in the mainstream music industry at thirty years old. It's just that she doesn't look like her age 'coz she looks a decade younger or something. Damn, I wonder what's the secret to being a vampire. LOL.

Hmm, I wonder when will I ever have my own acoustic guitar. Well, I don't really know. Hmm, I also wonder if my lyric video of my song “A Broken Record” that I uploaded on my video sharing website's channel carrying my official pen name “Adeline Chrystyn” has reached another milestone on the video sharing website where I uploaded it. Damn, I'm still wishing for a thousand views or make it a million. LOL. Oh, remember that hash tag saying “Why is it that your crush doesn't have a crush on you?” that I was talking about in my previous posts? Well, if I figured it out right based on my google on a social networking site it seems like my social networking friends were talking about a movie with a soundtrack of the same title. Hmm, I'm not so sure about that. I think I need to do some further research to confirm stuffs or something. LOL.

Oh, when I did some google on a search engine I bumped into a blog of a recording company who are auditioning for singers, songwriters, musicians, and lyricist. I'm thinking of giving it a shot or something. I mean, I guess there's no harm in trying. Damn, I really want “It's a Mess” to be a real studio record album with guitars, piano, bass, drums, violin, and my voice on it sounding a little bit pop-alternative-punk-rock. I mean, is it too much to ask? Damn, why is it that I'm not someone recording companies can consider as a whole package or something? Hmm, so it seems like I'm being hard-headed all over again, huh? I mean, isn't having my laptop's sound recorder and headset with microphone broken enough signs from God for me to just drop the idea of being a singer songwriter slash recording artist someday? Well, I don't really know. Damn it.

Or maybe let's look at it in a different angle. Hmm, maybe having my laptop's sound recorder and headset with microphone broken a way of God saying that it's time for me to stop living my frustrations inside the four walls of my room and face the real world out there. It's like God is trying to tell me that recording my songs in acapella here in computer time is over and it's time for me to get myself an acoustic guitar and hit the recording studio or something. Yeah, right. It's like in my wildest dreams. LOL. I mean, a twelve-song-acoustic-record-album “It's a Mess” will do. Well, I'm not that rich to hire a band or something. Or why won't I form an all girls band? Or maybe an all girls acoustic duo? Well, problem is I don't have a voice of a diva so I guess it's much better for me to drop the idea. Hmm, on second thought I'm thinking it's not really all about having a voice of a diva that can make people listen to one's music 'coz I'm thinking maybe one factor is about having a catchy singing voice or something plus a catchy background music. Well, I don't really know. LOL. Hmm, so it seems like the dream still lives on, huh? Well, never mind.

As Time Goes By

I came up with a quote one time and it goes like this “Sometimes it feels forever to wait for the next minute. Then one day it's Christmas. New Year seems like yesterday.” Hmm, I guess that makes some sense, right? Well, these days I'm trying to live my life to the fullest the way I know how. Damn, just try to imagine how it sucks to feel like one's life is somehow going nowhere. I mean, I'm quarter of a century old in this whole damn world and I still don't know what the heck am I gonna do with my damn life in the real world everybody knows. Well, never mind. Damn it.

Hey, I'm interested in reading a novel that's more on Psychology or Mystery. Well, I don't know why. LOL. Speaking of novels, I borrowed a novel from my sister a few days ago and read the whole novel in more or less three days. It was a good read, mind you. I mean, the book was really entertaining. Well, since I don't have all the dough in the world to buy myself a new book and I don't feel like reading the rest of my sister's books then I'm thinking of borrowing books from my cousin. Well, maybe I'll push through with it or maybe not. I don't really know. LOL. Whatever.

Oh, as someone who likes the feeling of having crushes I can't help notice my social networking friends' hash tags saying “Why is it that your crush doesn't have a crush on you?”. Well, actually they hash tag it in our national language. I just translated it to English and I'm not so sure if I translated it the right way. LOL. Well, as I've said most if not all of my crushes don't have a single clue that I exist and if ever they do know that I exist I don't think they'll ever fall for a girl like me. I mean, who would like a super boring stalker living such a super boring life? LOL.

Well, not to mention that a lot of people find stalkers creepy. Hmm, actually it depends. I mean, if one is stalking someone and that stalker is good looking then that stalker is considered as a secret admirer whereas if that stalker is not good looking then that stalker remains to be called a stalker. Do you get me or is my grammar getting more and more confusing? Well, obviously it never happened that a crush of mine felt the same way I do for him or her and that's an amen. LOL.

It's just that even if such thing happened that a crush of mine felt the same I do for him or her then such thing won't go anywhere anyway. I mean, as I've said I'm not the type who enters into a boy-girl relationship. I guess I'm just up to having a crush feeling for someone or something. Well, it seems like this is how God designed me so I better just be okay with it. LOL. I mean, I guess I'm simply satisfied by daydreaming about my crushes and I may the daydream be a happy ending one or a tragic one. Hmm, maybe I'm not ready for a fantasy to come into reality. LOL.

Well, it's not much of a big deal to be without a partner for the rest of my life. I mean, I have been a loner since time in memorial so it's nothing new to me. I guess I'm better off alone. I mean, I get disorders when I'm with people. LOL. Well, it seems like I'll be an old maiden then or in other words it seems like I'll be forever alone then. LOL. I mean, if I am to choose between career and love life I'll most certainly choose my career over love life. LOL. Damn, why am I talking about having a career when I don't even have one? And why am I talking about love life when I never had one? You know what? I wanna have a career as a writer and singer songwriter. Well, forget about love life. I mean, the only man in my life is my father and the only boy in my life is my brother. I don't want and need another one. I don't think someone out there will ever love me the way my father does but I have a funny feeling somebody out there hates me more than my brother does. LOL. I just don't know who those people are. Well, it's just a funny feeling anyway and it doesn't have any basis at all so I better just forget about it. Damn, what am I saying? LOL.

I don't think my father and mother were against the idea of me being in a boy-girl relationship way back school days. I mean, I'm thinking they trust me enough those days not to screw up or something. LOL. I'm the one who doesn't want to have a boyfriend. Well, maybe in my daydreams my crushes and I have something but not in reality. LOL. Oh, not to mention that I was such a snob to boys back then. LOL. I want someone like Mr. Jersey Seventeen. It's just that none in school is like him. I mean, I have my standards and if my standards are not met then it's much better to have none. LOL. Damn, it seems like I'll be forever alone then, huh? LOL.

Swimming in a Sea of Books

Every time I drop by a bookstore I can't help feel like I'm swimming in a sea of books. It makes me wonder of all the quantity of books published in a year how can I make my own book stand out. Well, that if I'll be able to write my own book to begin with. Hmm, I don't really know. I mean, I have been trying to write a book since I was eight and I usually wasn't able to write one until its last page. Well, problem is I'm not as imaginative as I used to be anymore. I'm thinking maybe it has something to do with this disorder I have. Hmm, I don't really know and never mind.

I wanna have a mini-library here at home filled with novels. Well, so far I have ten novels in my mini-library and I don't know when there will be an addition to those. Hmm, since I don't have all the dough in the world to buy myself a new book then I'm thinking of reading those books all over again. Well, problem is there's a part of me who doesn't feel like doing so. Hmm, I don't know with me. I don't know if I can really trust my funny feelings or what. Well, I guess the best thing for me to do is to not worry too much about it or something. Hmm, I guess so. Whatever.

Damn, I'm quarter of a century old and I'm still clueless in life. Hmm, I think it's nice to start earning my own dough by reading books. LOL. Yeah, why not be a literary agent? I mean, since it's quite impossible for me to be a writer in the real world everybody knows then why not read other writers' work and help them get their work published. Well, problem is I don't have the connections for me to be a literary agent. Hmm, I wonder if there's a university in town offering a course on being a literary agent or something. Well, I think I better go and research about that.

Well, as the way things look right now I think I'm not ever going back to school anytime soon or maybe in my whole damn life not to mention that my online job hunting attempts are such a failure. Hmm, as they say it's part of growing up. Damn, I'm wondering why I'm not so in touch with reality just like most people are. Well, I guess this is how God designed me and I guess the best thing for me to do is just to live with it. Hey, I'm trying to live my life to the fullest these days the way I know how. I guess it's more likely that I'll just spend the rest of my life waiting for my dying day. I mean, what is there left for me to do in this whole damn world? I don't know.

So it seems like my life is going nowhere these days, huh? Well, if I am to decide where my life is going I want to be the next bestselling author in the real world everybody knows. It's just that dreaming such is quite detached from reality so I guess it's much better for me to drop the idea. Well, some people say that there's nothing impossible in this world. Hmm, I don't know about that. I mean, it seems like my real studio record album and my bestselling book are still an inch away from impossible or something. Or maybe God is still working on it to make things possible for me. LOL. Yeah, right. It's like in my wildest dreams. I don't really know and never mind.

Damn, when will I ever wake up from my deep sleep? Well, I guess for now the best thing for me to do is to get busy updating my blog “Mysterious Girl” by Adeline Chrystyn. Oh, but not as religiously as I did during my birthday month. Hmm, maybe I'll go and update my blog once a week or something. I mean, it's all I can do for now while I'm still clueless in life. Damn, I wonder what does it take to write a page-turner 'coz I really dream to write one. Hmm, I'm wondering if professional writers do hire ghost writers or something. It's like a teamwork kind of thing. It's like the professional writers write the plot of the story and the ghost writers stretch the plot into chapters. It's just that the professional writer gets the credit for everything and what the ghost writers get is some dough or what. Hmm, I don't really know. Well, maybe such happens.

Right Track Still Unknown

Hmm, I wonder if the lyric video of my song “A Broken Record” that I uploaded on my video sharing website's channel carrying my official pen name “Adeline Chrystyn” has reached another milestone on the video sharing website where I uploaded it. Well, I don't really know and I don't know when will I ever find out. LOL. Oh, nothing much has changed 'coz I'm still clueless on which path to take in the real world everybody knows. Well, it's either I'll go back job hunting or go back to school. Damn, why can't I just start earning my own dough by writing in the real world everybody knows or something. I guess that will make the whole damn world a better place to live in. LOL. It's just that it seems like such is likely an inch away from impossible. Damn it.

Hey, I'm thinking of not religiously updating my blog in the coming days. I mean, if I do the Math it seems like I'm spending too much on internet load since I began carrying my pen name “Adeline Chrystyn” online without earning anything out of it. Well, I'm thinking it was just some sort of adrenaline rush last July that's why I was able to write a lot during my birthday month. Oh, I'm still thinking of coming up with artworks here at home and selling those online. I mean, it seems like the only clear talent God gave me is my talent to make drawings. Well, I guess so.

Well, problem is it's been ages since I made a drawing and it seems like my talent to make drawings is now a bit rusty or something so I guess it's much better for me to go and give some time to polish my talent in making drawings from now on or what. Hmm, another problem is I literally don't have a single penny in my pocket to buy myself a sketchpad, some pencils, and some coloring materials. Damn, I don't know why I'm so into art may it be the art of making drawings, the art of writing and singing songs, and the art of making literary masterpieces. I mean, if I'm not mistaken both my parents are not into arts 'coz both of them are more inclined to business. LOL. Well, I don't consider myself as an artist. I'm just an artist-wanna-be. LOL.

I wonder what would it be like if I took a course related to arts for college. I'm wondering if will I still have this disorder I have now. Well, I don't really know and I guess there's no point for me to think too much about it. I mean, I don't wanna waste too much time and energy on regrets anymore. I guess the best thing for me to do is to look at the bright side or something. Well, I guess that's where my fear of failure took me and I guess the best thing to do is to learn from it.

I remember my song “Sand Castles” 'coz there are lines in that song that go something like “I don't know where this song is going. All I know is I'll keep on writing. I know sometimes it doesn't make any sense at all.” Damn, I really like my twelve-song-acapella-record-album “It's a Mess”. I consider “It's a Mess” as my greatest achievement in life so far. LOL. Well, problem is I don't know when will I ever be able to come up with another “It's a Mess”. Well, who knows?

I feel like I don't belong in the corporate world. I feel like I don't have the brains and the heart to be a teacher. Oh, I'm thinking of joining a writing workshop one of these days. Well, I don't know when but hopefully soon. Hmm, as they say there's no such thing as an overnight success. Hey, I have been dreaming to be a writer since I was eight and I have been dreaming to be a singer songwriter since I was eleven. It's just that I knew how to draw since the day I learned how to hold a pencil. Now, I guess that's the big difference. Hmm, I don't know if artists are born or made and I don't know which one am I. I'm thinking what's left for me to do right now is to make a choice, right? It's choosing to be normal in this normal world I live in or is it choosing to challenge the impossible. What if I'll choose to challenge the impossible? Well, I don't know.

On second thought, I guess it's much better for me to be satisfied with living my dream as a frustrated singer songwriter on a video sharing website and living my dream as a frustrated writer on a blog site. I guess that will make the whole damn world a better place to live in. If I'm not mistaken in my blog post “Unwanted” I wrote “in an confusing way” instead of “in a confusing way”. I mean, it's supposed to be “a” and not “an”. Well, a part of me wants to change and correct that mistake. It's just that there's also a part of me who wants to leave it as it is. I don't know with me. Well, I guess it's not the only mistake I made in this blog or something so no worries. LOL.

Harmless Stalker

It sucks to drop by some of my crushes' profiles on a social networking site only to find out that one is married and the other one is in a long time relationship. Hmm, it seems like the married one now has a kid with his wife and the one who is in a long time relationship will possibly be getting married soon. I mean, he's been in a relationship with his girlfriend for more or less six years and two months now so I guess what's missing in their relationship at this point is simply a wedding. Damn, the mere thought of it is killing me. LOL. I wish them all the best though. LOL.

I mean, most of my crushes don't have a single clue that I exist. I'm not a part of their lives and they are not a part of mine aside from being my crushes and that's pretty much it. Well, the fanatic in me is somehow resurfacing all over again and I wanna add some of my crushes on my official account on a social networking site. It's just that I'm thinking I'd rather not push through with it. I mean, I guess it's time for me to outgrow from being a stalker or something. LOL. Oh, not to mention that seeing them happy with someone else is such a pain in the heart. Damn. LOL.

Hmm, this is somewhat an off topic but I'll write it down anyway. I mean, I came to wonder what's worse. Is it doing all you can to turn someone off but no matter how you try that person is still into you? Or is it doing all you can to turn someone on but no matter how you try that person is still not into you? Oh, now I remember my song “Waiting for Nothing”. Hmm, I uploaded that song on a video sharing website's channel carrying my unofficial pen name “Adeline McSunday”.

Well, as I've said I don't have a new crush as of the moment. I mean, my latest crush is that Turkish guy I met on a social networking site during graduate school. Nope, I didn't drop by his profile on a social networking site lately. Actually, I only dropped by the profiles of two of my crushes recently. I call the married one with a kid as “Where's-Your-Teacher?” and never mind the story behind it 'coz I don't feel like sharing then the one who is in a long time relationship is no other than Animé. Damn, it's been ages since I last seen them in person. Hmm, never mind.

Oh, in a micro-blogging website I followed a male celebrity crush of mine who has the same first name as Animé. He's a professional basketball player wearing jersey number seventeen and a celebrity all at the same time. Hmm, it seems like I have given enough clue for you to figure out who he is, huh? LOL. I guess it's safe to say that Mr. Jersey Seventeen is my ideal kind of guy or something. I wonder if I'll ever find someone like him. Well, I don't really know. Who knows?

Well, I guess at this point in my life I'm just up to having crushes and daydreaming about my crushes and I may the daydream be a happy ending one or a tragic one. LOL. I'm not really the type who enters into a boy-girl relationship anyway. I mean, I'm such a loner since time in memorial. LOL. Oh, not to mention that it seems like my peg these days is what they call on a micro-blogging website as “Forever Alone”. LOL. Well, I guess that's life and that's an amen.

I'm thinking I guess it's time for me to outgrow from being a stalker or something and call my stalking days over. It's just that I have the tendency to change my mind from time to time so I won't add a period to that. Oh, out of boredom I came up with a quote one time and it goes like this. “Dear Bitches, you belong with jerks. Dear Girls, you belong with boys. Dear Women, you belong with men. Dear Crush, you belong with ME!” LOL. I don't know why but I find that one a bit funny though a part of me thinks it doesn't make any sense at all. LOL. I meant that one as a joke and not anything else or whatever. Hmm, I don't know if someone else will find that one funny too. Hey, I think that's a good one to tweet on a micro-blogging website or something.