Prisoner of the Past

I read everything I posted so far on my blog “Mysterious Girl” by Adeline Chrystyn only to end up realizing that here I go being such a prisoner of the past sounding like a broken record all over again. Well, if one will ask me if writing about the past a means of letting go or holding on then I'll most probably go with it's part of letting go. Hmm, all in all I'm quite satisfied with how my blog is so far and I hope my psychotic mind won't drop by 'til the end of time to go and spoil everything. Damn, is it too much to ask? Well, I'm still under medication these days. I take an anti-psychotic and a mood stabilizer both once a day though I still pray and hope that I can do away with the medicines someday. I mean, it's not a joke to have this disorder I have, mind you.

You know what? I'm thinking this time around why won't I go and polish my skill in making artworks instead. I mean, I really have this funny feeling that I'm unemployable. Well, to think I think it's not a bad idea to come up with artworks here at home and sell those online. Hmm, the question is will somebody out there go appreciate my works of art. Well, I spent the past more or less three and a half years polishing my writing, songwriting, and singing skills and still nothing happened. Hmm, yes I was able to live my frustrations inside the four walls of my room but not in the real world everybody knows. Well, to think there's no such thing as an overnight success.

Damn, I don't know why I'm still pushing for my my dreams that are definitely going nowhere. Oh, remember my birthday wish which is to have a thousand views for the lyric video of my song “A Broken Record” that I uploaded on a video sharing website? Hmm, I don't think that wish will come true on or before my birthday. Damn, I really want a guitar and turn my twelve-song-acapella-record-album “It's a Mess” into a twelve-song-acoustic-record-album. I mean, is it too much to ask? Hmm, I'll only believe that there's nothing impossible in this world when the lyric video of my song “A Broken Record” will get a million views on the video sharing website where I uploaded it and the deadline will be on my next birthday. Damn, is it too much to ask? LOL.

Well, in this normal world where I live in the normal thing for a college graduate to do after graduation is to look for a job related to the course one graduated in. So in my case the normal thing for me to do in this normal world where I live in is to go job hunting as an office staff in a company or something. It's just that one day I heard that in this country where I live in there's a matching conflict between the supply of workers and demand of employers. I mean, it's like the supply of workers isn't what the employers are looking for. Do you get me? Well, never mind.

Okay, I'll give a sample. It's like the employers are dominantly looking for ESL Teachers and most of the latest graduates are nurses so there's a mismatch between the demand and supply or something. Do you get me? I'm sorry. I mean, I'm not really that good when it comes to explaining stuffs like these. Hmm, so to continue there's a possibility that a nursing graduate will end up in a job not related to nursing like being a call center agent or ESL Teacher perhaps.

Damn, why am I talking about this stuff when I'm supposed to be talking about me being such a prisoner of the past sounding like a broken record? Oh, I took a business-related course. Well, that was what my parents suggested and they were the one spending for my education so I just went with the flow. Hmm, not to mention that I don't really know what to do in life back then so I just went with what course in college my parents think is best for me. I mean, I'm thinking if I took a course related to arts back then my parents won't be willing to spend for it at that time. Well, the goal was to be able to get a college diploma anyway so I didn't care much on what course am I gonna take as long as I'll be able to get a diploma in college. I mean, maybe I was thinking after graduating, finding and landing a job, and me starting to earn my own dough then I can already do what that is that I really want to do in life. Hmm, something like that. Never mind.

Well, on second thought I'm thinking that God somehow gave me signs on what path to take the summer before college. I mean, during the summer before college I was able to come up with a collage which I consider as one of the best artworks I did in my whole damn life. I just cut images from magazines and with the help of paste, glue, and double-sided tapes I went assembling those images on an illustration board until I was able to come up with a collage. Hmm, makes me think that I should have taken Fine Arts back then. LOL. Also during the summer before college my uncle made me borrow his laptop and then I went writing a script about teenage problems and how they were able to solve those with the help of their high school counselor. Hmm, makes me think it may be a sign that I should have taken Writing or Psychology back then. LOL.

It's just that for a sixteen year old who doesn't really know what she wants to do in the real world everybody knows I'm thinking maybe I was thinking that the best thing to do is to listen to one's parents. LOL. Well, I do regret that I took that business-related course way back college. I felt like I wasted too much time, effort, and money on something that I'm not really interested in. Well, I got good grades 'coz I do study my lessons. I mean, it's common sense. Well, I read in a book one time that whenever a student finds a certain subject difficult then a student naturally comes up with a strategy to pass that certain subject. In my case, I ended up relying too much on the reviewers until one day I realized that I just ended up doing a pattern of the solutions and I wasn't really able to understand the theory behind the answers. Hmm, that's the sad reality.

Well, it's my problem in the end anyway 'coz it's me who wasn't able to understand anything. Hmm, when it comes to getting high grades all the teachers do is compute the grades their students give them anyway so it's not much of a big deal. I mean, I was able to get good grades during class exams so I was able to pass the subjects. Hey, the time and effort I gave to pass my college subjects wasn't easy, mind you. I mean, step one I do read the assigned chapter and then step two I tried to answer the problems in the reviewers on my own and more often I don't arrive at the correct answer and when that happens I look at the solutions to those problems where I went wrong and tried to figure it out. So that's how I studied way back college. Damn it. LOL.

Damn, why am I talking about this stuff? Well, maybe 'coz I still regret that I wasted four years of my life on something that I'm not a bit interested in. Oh, not to mention the effort and money that came with that. Well, I don't know what I want in life up until now so maybe that's why I just went with what my parents think is best for me back then. Well, nobody knows my strategy why I passed my college subjects back then. I mean, maybe everyone thought I really was able to understand the lessons that's why I had good grades which is quite an overstatement. LOL. Well, there's no one to blame but me 'coz it was me who made the final decision to go with what my parents think is best for me. I survived the first three years of college with flying colors until I realized that I'm wasting too much time, effort, and money on something that I'm not a bit interested in. Damn, there's no point to regret anymore. I mean, it's been so long since then.

Well, look at the bright side. I mean, because of this disorder I have I found the courage to face my fears and try to live some of my strongest frustrations even just inside the four walls of my room. Hmm, maybe everything that happened was part of God's plan. Well, I don't really know what His plan for me is from now on. Hmm, maybe being the next bestselling author perhaps or the next bestselling recording artist or something. LOL. Yeah, right. It's like in my wildest dreams. Well, I tried to go job hunting online. It's just that nothing happened. Hmm, maybe I'm way pass the age limit in this youth worshiping society or something. Now I came to think being a writer, singer songwriter, artist, and what not has no age limit, right? I mean, as long as you have the “It” then you're good to go. It's just that I don't know if I have that “It” that they are talking about whatever that “It” is. LOL. Hmm, so who is in for a total make-over? Damn, what am I saying? LOL.