On the Radio

One time I was browsing through a video sharing website and I decided to check out a new song released by one of the international mainstream music industry's female artist. Hmm, when I listened to the song on the video sharing website it didn't sound that good. A few days after I was so bored with life so I went listening to the radio and one of the radio stations played the same song and I ended up realizing that in fairness the song is a bit catchy and it isn't that bad after all which makes me think that somehow there's a difference between checking out a song on a video sharing website and having the chance to hear the same song played on radio stations. LOL.

Damn, now I'm wondering when am I gonna get the chance to listen to my own songs on the radio. LOL. Well, we all know the answer to that and it's “never”. Hmm, I did whatever I can to get a thousand views for the lyric video of “A Broken Record”. It's just that I was only given a hundred views. Uhm, I'm thinking why won't I upgrade my request from a thousand views to a million views and maybe I'll go and get roughly a hundred thousand views or something. You know what? I think “A Broken Record” is one of the best songs I ever wrote in my whole damn life and I don't know if I'll get the chance to write something like it in the near future. Damn it.

I mean, it seems like the magic and those once in a blue moon songwriting sessions are gone now. Well, to begin with I'm not really musically talented. Hmm, I'm just into writing poems and adding melody to the words or something. Hey, there are times when I do make-believe that I have a guitar and go strum in the air as I play some chords then sing my songs at the same time. Damn, I wonder how will I sound if I was really playing a real guitar and singing at the same time. Hmm, I wish I won't sound that horrible or something. LOL. Well, never mind. LOL.

Oh, now I remember that I bumped into an online radio station one time and if an artist wants one's songs to be played on the online radio station then the artist just needs to send an mp3 to that online radio station via e-mail with a message saying that the artist is allowing the online radio station to play one's songs. Do you get me or is my grammar getting more and more confusing? LOL. Well, I had the chance to talk to that online radio station via social networking site and I asked them if having my songs played on the online radio station for free or with a fee and they replied that it's totally for free with a smiley. LOL. Hmm, sounds like good news. LOL.

I also asked if is it okay that my songs are in acapella and they replied that they prefer songs with music but they are willing to accept acapella songs. Oh, I'm not so sure if I'll submit my songs to that online radio station or something. LOL. Hey, it seems like I wrote a lot for July or something. Oh, here I go going off topic all over again. I mean, I can't help associate writing here on my blog and songwriting 'coz if I think it over both are still forms of writing. Hey, I'm sorry about my grammar. I mean, I'm not really a native English speaker. LOL. Well, never mind.

Well, I went job hunting online and nothing happened. I mean, I got no calls from those I sent resumés to. Oh, I'm thinking of putting up a gallery online. Hmm, so far I do have four abstract paint art for my gallery and I don't know when there will be an addition to those four. LOL. Hey, so this is really an off topic. I mean, I'm supposed to be talking about the difference between hearing a song on a video sharing website and hearing it on the radio. So what else am I gonna talk about? Well, I don't really know. LOL. So I guess that's pretty much it. I don't really have that much to say. Hmm, I guess there's really something about hearing a song played on the radio or something. Well, I don't really know. Hmm, so I guess that's pretty much it. Well, never mind.

Quarter of a Century

I just celebrated my 25^th Birthday last July 17 and I'm thankful to God that I was able to survive life for a quarter of a century though there were times when I prayed that I was never born into this world. LOL. Oh, when it comes to the lyric video of my song “A Broken Record” that I uploaded on my video sharing website's channel carrying my official pen name “Adeline Chrystyn” I asked for a thousand views as a birthday gift but I was only given roughly a hundred views. LOL. Well, at least it somehow reached ten percent of what I asked for. LOL. Okay, so so much about doing the Math 'coz I'm not really that good in Mathematics. Hmm, the only thing I'm good at in Math is coming up with patterns. LOL. So what else am I gonna talk about? LOL.

Oh, my younger sister's gift for me is a cake from her favorite cakes and pastries shop. Well, in fairness the cake tastes good. I mean, when it comes to my sister and me I think it's my sister who has a good taste in making choices. LOL. Hmm, I received birthday greetings in person, through text message, and social networking sites. Oh, I also went online on my birthday to for the last time promote my lyric video for “A Broken Record” as a birthday gift on a social networking site. Well, since my birthday is over then instead of asking a thousand views as a birthday gift I'm gonna go and still ask for a thousand views but this time around as a Christmas gift. LOL.

Hey, I just realized that I have something in common with two of my favorite celebrities. I mean, my favorite french-fil celebrity was born on a July and I was born on a July and my favorite fil-aussie celebrity was born on a 17^th and I was born on a 17^th. Well, nothing much. I just felt like sharing that one. LOL. Oh, I just stayed the whole day at home on my birthday. So what else am I gonna talk about? Hey, it seems like I'm a bit improving in writing fresh thoughts these days, huh? Oh, I didn't start writing a diary on my birthday. Hmm, I'm thinking maybe I'll only end up playing with words which is not good so I decided to drop the idea. On second thought I think it will be nice to document my life from now on or something. Well, I don't really know. LOL.

Oh, not to mention that my hair is still messy. It's just that I'm not that rich to have it fixed in a salon. LOL. Hmm, so here I go going off topic all over again, huh? Well, I don't know with me. Hey, I'm supposed to talk about being quarter of a century old in this whole damn world or something. LOL. Oh, there's an annual nationwide songwriting competition here in this country where I live in and a part of me feels like joining the next year's competition. It's just that I guess I better just drop the idea. I mean, I don't have the “It” that they are looking for whatever that “It” is. Well, on second thought why won't I give it a try and see what happens. I mean, joining the songwriting competition can be a stepping stone for me who is aspiring to be a singer songwriter someday. Oh, there were some people in a social networking site who made a comment to the link of “A Broken Record” that I posted. Hmm, they were saying that I do have a talent in writing lyrics and they advised me to collaborate with some musicians to bring my songs to life or what.

Hmm, that sounds like a good idea. It's just that I'm not that rich to collaborate with musicians. I mean, I need to have a budget for their talent fees or something. Well, why won't I just save up some dough and buy myself a guitar or something? Hmm, I don't really know. Oh, not to mention that if I really want to make my song sound at its best then the best thing to do is to record it in a recording studio. Hey, I'm not that rich to rent a recording studio or something. Damn, I'm nothing compared to the professionals out there so why won't I just drop the idea and move on. I mean, if I was really meant to be in the mainstream music industry then it should have happened maybe during my teenage years or something. It's just that I'm 25 now and I'm too old to dream as a singer songwriter in this youth worshiping society we all live in. Yeah, what a sad reality.

Unwanted

I came across a quote one time saying something like “I'd rather be disliked for who I am than be liked for who I'm not.” Hmm, I'm thinking that does make some sense, right? Well, as I've said I'm not perfect. I'm not a saint. I'm only human. I got my own monsters. I'm thinking of reading everything I wrote on my blog so far and try to figure out if have I said something wrong. I mean, is there something wrong with being too candid and writing in my own perspective? Damn, I really need some feedback from someone out there. Well, I asked a friend to read all my blog posts and for her to tell me her honest opinion after reading. It's just that it seems like she read the wrong blog. Hmm, I don't really know. She hasn't replied to my latest messages or something.

It sucks when I'm having fun here coming up with blog posts for the sake of keeping my blog and living my dream as a frustrated writer even just inside the four walls of my room and here comes the thought that maybe there are some people out there who has nothing else to do in life but take what I wrote the wrong way and put their own colours to my literary masterpieces. Well, it's just a thought or a funny feeling. I don't really know if someone out there who has read my blog posts took what I wrote the wrong way. Or maybe it's my psychotic mind resurfacing all over again. Well, news is it ain't happening 'coz my medicines are doing pretty well these days. Never mind.

So it seems like being misinterpreted comes along with being an aspiring writer, huh? Well, if I ever do have readers I'd like to suggest that if one reads my blog then it's much better to read every single word and don't do any speed reading 'coz if one speed reads then most likely it will be easy for that person to take what I wrote the wrong way. Hmm, I'm not asking my readers if I ever do have some to study my literary masterpieces the way they study Shakespeare. LOL. Well, what I'm trying to point out is I hope they will refrain from taking what I wrote the wrong way. Hey, I'm writing 'coz I also just plainly want to express myself and that's pretty much it. Okay?

Well, not to mention that if one doesn't really know the whole story then it's much better for one to keep one's damn mouth shut. I mean, there are times when I end up only writing the tip of the iceberg and I came to think maybe some readers out there can't help come up with the rest of the story with their wild imagination which is quite annoying. Well, I guess it seems like it's part of being an aspiring writer so I better just learn how to live with it and that's an amen. On second thought I'm not really a native English speaker so maybe there are times when I end up expressing what I want to say in a confusing way or something like that. Hmm, I guess so.

Well, I guess what matters most is I do understand what I wrote, right? On second thought maybe I don't really know if I really do have readers so it's quite hard for me to think of those who are on the other side of the coin. I'm asking feedback from friends now so I can somehow know what they think of my literary masterpieces and so that I can improve my style of writing or something. Damn, who would bother to read my blog posts anyway? Well, I guess there's nothing wrong with asking for someone else's opinion. I just hope I'll be able to get some honest opinions.

As I've said I want to write a blog for light reading and not a blog with a heavy atmosphere. I guess it's time for me to face my fear of rejection. I mean, as the saying goes “You can't please everybody the same way everybody can't please you.” Well, all I know is I never meant to cause trouble to anyone. Oh, as they say that the people who come into your life are there for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. I guess those who came into my life for a reason has served their purpose and those who came into my life for a season have reached the end of their contract period. LOL.

I don't really know what other people think about me and I guess the best thing to do is not to care. Well, all I know is I'm doing my thing and I'm not interfering as other people are doing their thing. Hey, I'm living my dream as a frustrated writer even just inside the four walls of my room so what can be any better than that? LOL. Oh, I forgot that my baby is slowly depreciating so it seems like me living my dream as a frustrated writer even just inside the four walls of my room will soon come to an end. Well, as they say that it's part of growing up. Hmm, never mind. LOL.

A Letter to My Dearest Diary

I had thoughts of starting to write a diary on my 25^th Birthday. It's just that I decided to drop the idea 'coz I realized that every time I go and write a diary I only end up playing with words which is not good. On second thought what am I gonna write in my diary anyway considering the fact that there's nothing much going on in my super boring life. I'm thinking I'll only end up writing about my thoughts and my feelings or stuffs that don't make any sense at all in between. LOL.

Hmm, I don't know if there's something wrong with me being too candid or what? Well, I guess the best thing for me to do is to not care of what other people think about me and just do my thing. I mean, at this point in my life I'm being who I want and choose to be anyway. Hey, I'm living my dream as a frustrated writer even just inside the four walls of my room. So what can be any better than that? LOL. Damn, if I can only spend the rest of my life earning my own dough by writing in the real world everybody knows then it will surely make the whole damn world a better place to live in. It's just that it seems like I don't have that “It” they are talking about. LOL.

Well, the sad news is my baby is sick and there's a possibility that me living my dream as a frustrated writer will come to an end. Damn, so this is the downside of being unemployed. It's just that I have this funny feeling that I'm unemployable. Well, there are even times when I can't help wonder if God made a mistake in placing me in this part of the Universe or something. I'm thinking maybe I was supposed to be born in another world and something went wrong that's why I ended up existing here on Earth. Hmm, don't mind me. I mean, I say stupid things sometimes.

Hmm, so from now on I'm thinking that I'll only write one blog post for each week. It's like I'm make-believing that I'm having a weekly column in a newspaper or something. LOL. Well, it's nothing new that my mind is subject to change from time to time so I won't add a period to that. LOL. I mean, as they say we only live once so we better live each day to the fullest or something. So what else am I gonna talk about aside from my thoughts and my feelings and anything nonsense in between? LOL. Well, I don't really know. Hmm, I think I need to go online and research about possible blog topics or something. Uhm, that sounds like a good idea. LOL.

Well, on second thought maybe I'll only bump into possible blog topics asking about “Who are you?” or “How do you see yourself in five years?” or “What are your goals in life?” and what not. I mean, if you ask me I don't feel like answering those questions or something so much more coming up with a blog entry about such stuffs. Hmm, I wonder if the lyric video of my song “A Broken Record” that I uploaded on a video sharing website's channel carrying my official pen name “Adeline Chrystyn” has reached a hundred views at this point. Well, I hope so. LOL.

Hmm, when it comes to my birthday wish when it comes to my lyric video of “A Broken Record” I was wishing for a thousand views on or before my birthday but it seems like what God can give me are more or less a hundred views. Well, it's like me dreaming to be a bestselling author someday and what God can give me is me make-believing that I'm working as an amateur writer here online. I mean, it's not because God can't make all things possible. It's because God can see the future that's why there are prayers left unanswered. I'm thinking maybe God knows me too well and He knows that I'm not that ready to accept criticisms from people. Well, in fairness I had taste of criticisms. I mean, in a micro-blogging website someone said my song “A Broken Record” is shit and on a social networking site someone made a comment saying “ugh” which makes me think that that person is somehow disgusted with my work of art. LOL. Well, it somehow hurts but it didn't hurt that much. Hmm, maybe 'coz I'm day by day growing up. LOL.

Hmm, so here I go going off topic all over again, huh? Well, I guess that's just me and the best thing for me to do is just to live with it. LOL. Hmm, it's still the same thing I'll only believe that there's nothing impossible in this world when the lyric video of “A Broken Record” will get a million views on the video sharing website where I uploaded it. I mean, is it too much to ask? Again, the deadline will be on my next birthday. If it's not happening then I'll take it as a sign that it's much better for me to forget about my dream to one day be a singer songwriter and come up with a real studio record album with live instruments sounding a little bit pop, alternative, punk, and rock. If I'll get a million views then maybe I'll go and get a guitar and turn my twelve-song-acapella-record-album “It's a Mess” into a twelve-song-acoustic-record-album and I guess that's an amen. Hmm, I guess there's nothing wrong with asking for a sign from above, right? LOL.

Watch My Language

I'm thinking it's much better for me to read and read my draft over and over again before I post it on my blog to refrain from being misinterpreted. One more thing, I want to write a blog for light reading and not something with a heavy atmosphere. Hmm, I'm a bit candid when I write and there are times when I write stuffs that I didn't meant to write or something. It's like saying stuffs that one doesn't mean to say or what. It's just that I'm not thinking of deleting or editing my previous blog posts. I guess it's much better for me to leave stuffs just the way it is or something.

I wonder if someone out there did gave some of their time in reading my every blog post. Well, I don't really know. I'm thinking maybe if someone ever did dropped by my blog that person just browsed through the page or scrolled it down and then left my blog or something. Well, I think with this style of writing that I have and my disregard for correct grammar then maybe it will be easy for some people out there to take what I write the wrong way. Hmm, I'm thinking I better go and join some writing workshops or something if I really wanna improve my writing.

It's just that I don't think I'll be able to join writing workshops for now. Damn, it's slowly sinking in me that I'm spending too much dough while earning nothing out of it as I make-believe that I'm working as an amateur writer here online. It's just that posting what I wrote on my blog makes me feel like I'm a real writer in the real world everybody knows or something. Well, I don't consider the internet as part of the real world so maybe that's why I usually say that I'm living some of my strongest frustrations even just inside the four walls of my room or something. Hmm, I guess so.

Hey, it's been a month since I began carrying my pen name “Adeline Chrystyn” here online. Hmm, I was able to join social networking sites, religiously kept a blog, and uploaded my song “A Broken Record” on a video sharing website. Oh, not to mention that I also did whatever I can to promote my song on the internet. Well, I don't really have a bucket list. LOL. Oh, I end up saying and doing online what I cannot say and do in person. I don't know with me. Well, as I've said maybe this is how God designed me so I better just be okay with it. Hmm, that's an amen.

I'm thinking maybe in the following days I won't be that active in updating my blog or something. Hmm, maybe I'll go and update it once a week from now on or something. Well, I don't really know. Hey, it's my birthday this coming Wednesday. Hmm, I have no plans for my birthday yet. As I've said maybe I'll just stay here inside the house doing the same old same old. Damn, is there a problem with me being too candid? Well, I don't really know. Hmm, so what is this blog entry supposed to be about? Oh, it's supposed to be about watching my language. Hmm, okay. LOL.

I'm trying to live my life to the fullest these days. Hmm, it seems like I won't be posting photos here on my blog. I mean, I want my blog to be words and all words for now. I don't know with me why I like it better that way. LOL. Well, maybe 'coz it's the frustrated writer in me resurfacing all over again. By the way, I still have this funny feeling that I'm unemployable and I also have this funny feeling that I'm not that ready to go back job hunting. Damn, if I can only spend the rest of my life earning my own dough by writing then that will surely make the whole damn world a better place to live in. Hmm, sometimes there's so much to write about but there are also times when my head is blank. Well, it's just that as I've said I'd rather have nothing to write about than have my psychotic mind drop by town all over again. So what else am I gonna talk about? Well, I don't really know. Hmm, I'm sorry if I end up going off topic in my blog posts sometimes. I mean, I guess that's just me and I better just live with it. LOL. Hmm, I don't know what else to say so I better not make this too long. Hmm, so this is “Adeline Chrystyn” now signing off. LOL.

Imperfect Me

I came across a quote saying that life's imperfections are what make life perfect. Hmm, is my grammar correct or not? Oh, speaking of grammar it's nothing new that I end up committing mistakes in my grammar from time to time especially in the subject-verb agreement. Hmm, there are also times when I make a mistake in choosing prepositions like for example in my blog entry “Prisoner of the Past”. I mean, in one of the paragraphs in that blog entry I wrote “I read on a book” instead of “I read in a book”. I mean, if I'm not mistaken the correct preposition should be “in” and not “on”. Well, I don't really know 'coz I'm not an expert in English grammar.

Damn, I'm spending too much on internet since I began carrying my pen name “Adeline Chrystyn”. I mean, there are times when I come up with a blog entry and I can't wait to post it on my blog and after I have read what I have posted all over again I end up spotting a lot of grammar mistakes and typographic errors then I couldn't wait to go online again to correct what's wrong in my blog posts so in the end I need to reload my mobile number so I can connect to the internet and do the corrections. Hmm, it seems like I'm spending more while earning nothing as I try to make-believe that I'm working as an amateur writer here online, huh? Well, never mind. LOL.

Well, we all make mistakes in life and the best thing to do is to learn from one's mistakes. Oh, I also heard that the more imperfect an artwork is the more beautiful it becomes. Hmm, again it seems like the lyric video of my song “A Broken Record” won't get a thousand views on the video sharing website where I uploaded it on or before my birthday. Well, I did my best to promote it for the past few days and some netizens did help to promote my lyric video for “A Broken Record”. Hmm, maybe our best wasn't enough to reach a thousand views for now. Sigh.

So what else am I gonna talk about? Well, I'm not really a creative writer so I thought of writing an autobiography. Hmm, I tried to. It's just that since nothing much is going on in my super boring life one can only count the pages of my autobiography with one's fingers. Well, if I can sum up my life I'll most probably go and say that to start with I was born, I became a sickly child in my childhood, I went to school, I graduated a bachelor's degree and took a semester in graduate school, and now I'm part of the unemployed group make-believing that I'm working as an amateur writer online. Yeah, so now you do have an idea of how super boring my life is, huh? Well, I'm not the adventurous type anyway and as I've said I'm a home buddy so it's not much of a big deal or something. LOL. I mean, I'm a loner since time in memorial and that's just me. LOL.

Yeah, it's my birthday month. Well, I don't really have any clear plans for my birthday. Hmm, I'm thinking I'll most probably stay here at home doing the same old same old I do at home. LOL. Oh, I think I have mentioned that my baby is sick. Well, nothing lasts forever so it's quite normal that my baby is now slowly depreciating. Oh, not to mention that my 2 megapixel camera phone is slowly depreciating too. LOL. Hmm, I don't know if I'm materialistic or what. It's just that I prefer to type my thoughts down on my computer instead of telling another human being verbally about it. I don't know with me. Well, I guess this is how God designed me so I better be just okay with it or something. LOL. I mean, as I've said I was somehow able to polish my reading and writing skills but my listening and speaking skills were somehow left behind. Well, as they say one just can't have it all. LOL. Hmm, I'm thinking of having a break from updating my blog in the next few days and I'll only go update it once a week from now on. Oh, that's kind of a challenge especially when something to write about pops out of my damn head and I end up coming up with a new blog post and I just can't wait to post it online. Well, I guess the answer to that problem is no other than discipline. LOL. Hmm, so what else am I gonna talk about? LOL.

Well, I don't know if someone out there did give some of one's time to read all my blog posts so far. Hmm, I think it'll be nice to receive some feedback from people when it comes to my writing style. It's just that up until now I haven't received any feedback from anyone. Well, it's nothing new that I'm always a candidate for misinterpretation. When I realized that at first it kind of sucks but I learned to outgrow that stuff and accepted that it's nothing new that some people who have read my blog posts will take what I wrote the wrong way. Well, maybe it's just part of being an aspiring writer so I guess the best thing for me to do is to live with it and that's an amen. LOL.

Prisoner of the Past

I read everything I posted so far on my blog “Mysterious Girl” by Adeline Chrystyn only to end up realizing that here I go being such a prisoner of the past sounding like a broken record all over again. Well, if one will ask me if writing about the past a means of letting go or holding on then I'll most probably go with it's part of letting go. Hmm, all in all I'm quite satisfied with how my blog is so far and I hope my psychotic mind won't drop by 'til the end of time to go and spoil everything. Damn, is it too much to ask? Well, I'm still under medication these days. I take an anti-psychotic and a mood stabilizer both once a day though I still pray and hope that I can do away with the medicines someday. I mean, it's not a joke to have this disorder I have, mind you.

You know what? I'm thinking this time around why won't I go and polish my skill in making artworks instead. I mean, I really have this funny feeling that I'm unemployable. Well, to think I think it's not a bad idea to come up with artworks here at home and sell those online. Hmm, the question is will somebody out there go appreciate my works of art. Well, I spent the past more or less three and a half years polishing my writing, songwriting, and singing skills and still nothing happened. Hmm, yes I was able to live my frustrations inside the four walls of my room but not in the real world everybody knows. Well, to think there's no such thing as an overnight success.

Damn, I don't know why I'm still pushing for my my dreams that are definitely going nowhere. Oh, remember my birthday wish which is to have a thousand views for the lyric video of my song “A Broken Record” that I uploaded on a video sharing website? Hmm, I don't think that wish will come true on or before my birthday. Damn, I really want a guitar and turn my twelve-song-acapella-record-album “It's a Mess” into a twelve-song-acoustic-record-album. I mean, is it too much to ask? Hmm, I'll only believe that there's nothing impossible in this world when the lyric video of my song “A Broken Record” will get a million views on the video sharing website where I uploaded it and the deadline will be on my next birthday. Damn, is it too much to ask? LOL.

Well, in this normal world where I live in the normal thing for a college graduate to do after graduation is to look for a job related to the course one graduated in. So in my case the normal thing for me to do in this normal world where I live in is to go job hunting as an office staff in a company or something. It's just that one day I heard that in this country where I live in there's a matching conflict between the supply of workers and demand of employers. I mean, it's like the supply of workers isn't what the employers are looking for. Do you get me? Well, never mind.

Okay, I'll give a sample. It's like the employers are dominantly looking for ESL Teachers and most of the latest graduates are nurses so there's a mismatch between the demand and supply or something. Do you get me? I'm sorry. I mean, I'm not really that good when it comes to explaining stuffs like these. Hmm, so to continue there's a possibility that a nursing graduate will end up in a job not related to nursing like being a call center agent or ESL Teacher perhaps.

Damn, why am I talking about this stuff when I'm supposed to be talking about me being such a prisoner of the past sounding like a broken record? Oh, I took a business-related course. Well, that was what my parents suggested and they were the one spending for my education so I just went with the flow. Hmm, not to mention that I don't really know what to do in life back then so I just went with what course in college my parents think is best for me. I mean, I'm thinking if I took a course related to arts back then my parents won't be willing to spend for it at that time. Well, the goal was to be able to get a college diploma anyway so I didn't care much on what course am I gonna take as long as I'll be able to get a diploma in college. I mean, maybe I was thinking after graduating, finding and landing a job, and me starting to earn my own dough then I can already do what that is that I really want to do in life. Hmm, something like that. Never mind.

Well, on second thought I'm thinking that God somehow gave me signs on what path to take the summer before college. I mean, during the summer before college I was able to come up with a collage which I consider as one of the best artworks I did in my whole damn life. I just cut images from magazines and with the help of paste, glue, and double-sided tapes I went assembling those images on an illustration board until I was able to come up with a collage. Hmm, makes me think that I should have taken Fine Arts back then. LOL. Also during the summer before college my uncle made me borrow his laptop and then I went writing a script about teenage problems and how they were able to solve those with the help of their high school counselor. Hmm, makes me think it may be a sign that I should have taken Writing or Psychology back then. LOL.

It's just that for a sixteen year old who doesn't really know what she wants to do in the real world everybody knows I'm thinking maybe I was thinking that the best thing to do is to listen to one's parents. LOL. Well, I do regret that I took that business-related course way back college. I felt like I wasted too much time, effort, and money on something that I'm not really interested in. Well, I got good grades 'coz I do study my lessons. I mean, it's common sense. Well, I read in a book one time that whenever a student finds a certain subject difficult then a student naturally comes up with a strategy to pass that certain subject. In my case, I ended up relying too much on the reviewers until one day I realized that I just ended up doing a pattern of the solutions and I wasn't really able to understand the theory behind the answers. Hmm, that's the sad reality.

Well, it's my problem in the end anyway 'coz it's me who wasn't able to understand anything. Hmm, when it comes to getting high grades all the teachers do is compute the grades their students give them anyway so it's not much of a big deal. I mean, I was able to get good grades during class exams so I was able to pass the subjects. Hey, the time and effort I gave to pass my college subjects wasn't easy, mind you. I mean, step one I do read the assigned chapter and then step two I tried to answer the problems in the reviewers on my own and more often I don't arrive at the correct answer and when that happens I look at the solutions to those problems where I went wrong and tried to figure it out. So that's how I studied way back college. Damn it. LOL.

Damn, why am I talking about this stuff? Well, maybe 'coz I still regret that I wasted four years of my life on something that I'm not a bit interested in. Oh, not to mention the effort and money that came with that. Well, I don't know what I want in life up until now so maybe that's why I just went with what my parents think is best for me back then. Well, nobody knows my strategy why I passed my college subjects back then. I mean, maybe everyone thought I really was able to understand the lessons that's why I had good grades which is quite an overstatement. LOL. Well, there's no one to blame but me 'coz it was me who made the final decision to go with what my parents think is best for me. I survived the first three years of college with flying colors until I realized that I'm wasting too much time, effort, and money on something that I'm not a bit interested in. Damn, there's no point to regret anymore. I mean, it's been so long since then.

Well, look at the bright side. I mean, because of this disorder I have I found the courage to face my fears and try to live some of my strongest frustrations even just inside the four walls of my room. Hmm, maybe everything that happened was part of God's plan. Well, I don't really know what His plan for me is from now on. Hmm, maybe being the next bestselling author perhaps or the next bestselling recording artist or something. LOL. Yeah, right. It's like in my wildest dreams. Well, I tried to go job hunting online. It's just that nothing happened. Hmm, maybe I'm way pass the age limit in this youth worshiping society or something. Now I came to think being a writer, singer songwriter, artist, and what not has no age limit, right? I mean, as long as you have the “It” then you're good to go. It's just that I don't know if I have that “It” that they are talking about whatever that “It” is. LOL. Hmm, so who is in for a total make-over? Damn, what am I saying? LOL.

Scream by Adeline Chrystyn

“Scream”

Adeline Chrystyn

they tell you to talk, share your thoughts

when you were not talking at all

and when you learned how to talk

they tell you to shut up

‘coz they think

you don’t make any sense at all

oh, as the saying goes

damn, if you do

and damn, if you don’t

I’m tired of holding all my thought in

I wanna scream it

from the top of the mountain

they tell you you’re smart

then you’re dumb

to give out too much information

I think I better zip my lips

write it down

oh, thank you for pen and paper

oh, as the saying goes

damn, if you do

and damn, if you don’t

I’m tired of holding all my thought in

I wanna scream it

from the top of the mountain

if I hold it in

one day I’m gonna explode

and I don’t want such thing to happen

over and over again

oh, as the saying goes

damn, if you do

and damn, if you don’t

I’m tired of holding all my thought in

I wanna scream it

from the top of the mountain

oh, as the saying goes

damn, if you do

and damn, if you don’t

I’m tired of holding all my thought in

I wanna scream it

from the top of the mountain

if I hold it in

one day I’m gonna explode

and I don’t want such thing to happen

over and over again

oh, as the saying goes

damn, if you do

and damn, if you don’t

I’m tired of holding all my thought in

I wanna scream it

from the top of the mountain

oh, as the saying goes

damn, if you do

and damn, if you don’t

I’m tired of holding all my thought in

I wanna scream it

from the top of the mountain

they tell you to talk, share your thoughts

when you were not talking at all

and when you learned how to talk

they tell you to shut up

‘coz they think

you don’t make any sense at all

Excerpts from Behind the Mask

I created a lot of blogs before my blog “Mysterious Girl” by Adeline Chrystyn. It's just that it's either I end up deleting the blog or abandoning it. I mean, back then my psychotic mind dropped by and spoiled everything. It's just that it seems like my psychotic mind already said goodbye for good and it ain't coming back until the end of time which I can consider as good news. LOL. Hmm, one day I found the file where I kept some of my blog posts on my previous blogs and I thought of sharing some of those here on my blog with a little bit of editing or something. LOL.

I chose to post my blog entries “Innocence or Ignorance” and “It's Just a Little Crush” from my old blog “Behind the Mask” carrying one of my old pen names. Well, maybe 'coz I consider these blog posts as one of my literary masterpieces or something. LOL. Hmm, I think I'm gonna go and do some editing to clear things out. I mean, you know how often I end up committing mistakes in my grammar, right? Oh, speaking of mistakes in grammar I spotted grammar mistakes in my blog post “Hush-Hush” but I decided not to change anything in that post and just leave things as that. LOL. I mean, nothing is perfect in this world anyway and we all have flaws. Hey, so much for the introductions. Hmm, so now I bring to you “Innocence or Ignorance” and “It's Just a Little Crush” that I once posted on my previous blog “Behind the Mask” carrying one of my old pen names. Oh, sorry for babbling too much in the introduction and for keeping you waiting. LOL.

Innocence or Ignorance

Myla Marga Eden was in her early grade school days when she spotted a comic book lying somewhere inside the house. Out of curiosity, she decided to read it. The comic was about this college girl who met a boy, as she continued reading, the next pages showed a drawing of the boy on top of the girl and both were naked. And she was like, “What the hell is this?’

A few years later, she discovered a comic section in a local newspaper. The female protagonist in the comic strip was wearing a lot of skimpy clothes and she can’t help but notice the girl’s boobs. Then here comes those Mexican Series. Most of the girls there were so hot and there were a lot of intimate scenes which she somehow liked to watch.

When she was in her late grade school days, she saw a CD lying near the CD player. She decided to play it only to discover that it was a sex tape. She stopped playing the CD for she was scared that someone older will see her watching it.

She began reading romance books when high school came. It were romance pocket books at first then romance novels were next. She really likes reading the intimate parts and if she can, she’ll read it over and over again. It gave her an idea what really goes on when making love with someone. And she was like, “Ah, Okay. So that’s what happens.”

College came and she was able to see a sex scandal saved in a mobile phone. Blame her college friend for it. Her friend made her watch it. She didn’t feel anything while watching the video. To her, it was just some naked bodies doing something.

When graduate school came she ended up being let's say an undercover agent to figure out if her crush is naughty or nice. She pretended to be a naughty girl behind an undercover identity and tried to talk naughty with her crush on an online messenger one time. It's just that what happened wasn't and cannot be counted as making love 'coz what happened between Myla Marga Eden and her crush that time was simply typing one's naughty messages down on an online messenger and nothing more. I mean, there was no physical contact or anything so it wasn't making love at all.

She really can’t help but wonder if her batchmates had already experienced making love. Then she later realized that there’s a possibility that she’s the only one who hasn’t done it.

Myla Marga Eden has an idea of what making love is like. But she hasn’t done it, not even half sex. She can imagine it but she doesn’t know what it really feels like. Thing is, she doesn’t wanna do it with the wrong guy. And she doesn’t wanna do it just because of lust. She wanna do it out of that thing called love.

It’s Just a Little Crush

Here in the country where I live and grew up in, I usually get attracted to the mestizo ones, especially those who are fair skinned, tall, and skinny. LOL. Then, I also have a crush on some Americans and Europeans. I don’t know why. Honestly, I don’t find natives in this country attractive. I’m sorry but I’m just being honest. I don’t wanna say those natives are good looking when the truth is I think otherwise. Maybe I like mestizos ‘coz my father looks Spanish. Yeah, he doesn’t look like a native in this country. Well, I’m just making a wild guess. And my brother looks mestizo too. LOL. I can’t say that I got influenced by T.V. ‘coz I don’t watch T.V. a lot during those times when I had my first crush who happens to be mestizo looking.

Okay, I had my first crush when I was eight. LOL. Well, I only told one person about it when I was nine. His name is a brand of a glue. So let’s call him Mister Glue. Hahah. That’s so stupid. I like him ‘coz he’s white, skinny, and he looks mestizo. Period. No, I didn’t daydream about it. I don’t know how to daydream about a boy and me those days. We were seatmates twice. One day, I heard he got a crush on one of the girls in class. No, not me. It’s another girl. Oh, first heartbreak that was. He moved to another school by fourth grade. And when college came, I just heard that my girl high school classmate and he are a couple. Yeah, that was a bit of a shock. It’s kinda weird ‘coz I watched the stars with that classmate on the night of our retreat. Whatever. Yeah, another example of how small the world is.

When I was in 5^th grade, I had a crush on an Australian. He was in sixth grade that time. Yeah, he’s my second crush. His initials spell PWAF so let’s just call him by that. I can’t remember if it were the Princess of Pop days back then. Thing is, my theme song for PWAF and I is the chorus of a song by Princess of Pop. Why? It’s because every time I can sense he’s near, I run and hide. Hahah. This is when I started daydreaming about my crushes. Well, it was still wholesome daydreams. You know, only up to holding hands and smack on the lips. That’s it. I remember he had a rabbit. I heard he got a crush on one of his girl classmates. How I wished I was in her place.

Well, high school came and I was only gaga about one guy. Yeah, you got it right. It’s no other than the lead vocal of my favorite American rock band. I like him since the first time I saw the music video of their debut single. I love him even more when I saw the music video of their second single. Hahah. Well, my daydreams with this guy weren’t wholesome anymore. Hahah. We even have a baby. I named him Neon. LOL. I can only imagine Neon as a baby maybe until 2 years old. Neon hasn’t grown. Hahah. I don’t know why I like my crush so much. I mean, I hate guys with tattoos. And it’s obvious that he got a lot of it. But it’s okay with me. He’s more or less 12 years older than me which is way pass the 10-year-older-maximum-limit. But it’s okay with me. He’s such a turn off every time I watch the band's behind the scenes videos. But I still like him. I read his tweets and I don’t like his language. But I still like him. Oh, this is what you call unconditional crush. Hahah. I still got a crush on him. But I’m over the daydreaming days about him and I. The same thing happens in my daydreams anyway. Maybe my brain grew tired of it.

College came and I was a bit disappointed. I thought boys in college are mature or something. But as I sensed it, they were still like grade school boys. It was such a turn off. I got a crush on a Chinese mestizo guy when 2^nd year came. We call him Animé. He’s tall, skinny, white, chinky eyes. He looks like that antagonist with cards in a Japanese Animation. You know, that guy who wears his hair in semi-spikes. I forgot the name of that character. There are times that I can spot him in school. But there are also times that I can’t see him. We took different courses. He belongs in a different department. I wonder if he’s one of those clanmates I sent quotes to. LOL. Yeah, it’s like in my wildest dreams. I also stalked this guy on a social networking site back then.

Oh, 3^rd year! Yeah, that damned 3^rd year. Hmm, what are we gonna call him? He’s not handsome. Well, he’s skinny and pale! Hahah. He’s nerdy looking. He’s a bit feminine. He looks like the boy who lived the book cover version. Why don’t we call him Mister Nerdy? I don’t wanna talk about him really. Let’s just say those were the golden days of me as a stalker. Hahah. But I never approached him! I kept my distance. I was just satisfied with looking at him walking around the campus from afar. I don’t even eat at a fast-food chain near the school campus every lunch ‘coz I heard he eats there. You know what? It was easy to type about the previous crushes I had but it’s so hard to write about this Mister Nerdy. I don’t hate him. I don’t like him anymore. Sometimes, I just laugh at what happened. Maybe I was so bored with that course I took way back college and this feeling about him was the only thing that spiced things up. He’s an inspiration turned into destruction. I wanna forget about him. I think he’s a nice person though. Oh, don’t ask about my daydreams. I can’t even remember what were my daydreams about him and I anymore. I don’t know what really happened. Nobody ever told me about it. I’m sick and tired of coming up with what-ifs. I’ll never see him again anyway.

And of course, 2010 came. Yeah, it’s Sam Keanu Neuryc. We met on a social networking site. We talked via webcam for some time. I never thought I’ll find a handsome guy on cyberspace. He lives in Europe. Well, we don’t talk anymore. We got two Cyber Babies, a girl and a boy. He doesn’t know about it. Oh, those Cyber Babies? I just wanna know what my babies with Sam Keanu Neuryc will look like if ever a miracle happens and we will have one. I mean, this is not the right time to make a real one for me 'coz I don't want the whole universe to end. LOL. What I mean is I was only after the photos of my Cyber Babies with Sam Keanu Neuryc. And I was able to imagine those babies grow up into a lady and a gentleman. My baby girl even got married and now has her own baby girl. I’m a grandmom and Sam Keanu Neuryc and I are still together. That’s the first time my daydreams went that far. I like him but he doesn’t like me. I can’t wish it’s him ‘coz I don’t know a thing about him. I wouldn’t know what I’m wishing for. I don’t need a boyfriend anyway. I just want someone to daydream about. LOL.

You know what? I like the feeling of having crushes. But for now, I guess I’m just up to having crushes and daydreaming about my crushes and I. I don’t know. I’ve been a loner since time in memorial. Maybe God designed me to be in isolation for the rest of my life. Or on a micro-blogging website, it’s called Forever Alone. In real life, I never had a boyfriend. I don’t know what it’s like to be with a boy and be in a boy-girl relationship. So I’m not in the right position to give any relationship advice ‘coz I’ve never been in one. To add to that, I’m still a virgin and I’m proud to be. So to those who noticed my bulging tummy and thought I’m preggy, the whole world is too modern for another Virgin Mary. LOL. I don’t know how the second coming of Christ will be like. But if He’ll come into this Earth the same way He did back then, I’m definitely not gonna be his mom! Hahah. I’m just kidding. I know. It’s not funny. Hahah.