Hush-Hush

If I think it over I don't really get anything from social networking sites aside from unleashing the gossip girl in me and freedom of expression so I'm kind of wondering why the hell am I still hooked to it. Well, I don't know with me. I joined social networking sites 'coz I wanted to have a glimpse of what's going on in my my batchmates' lives at present 'coz I haven't seen them for like years. So I created a social networking account one time and I added almost everyone in my yearbooks from grade school, high school, college, to graduate school in that account. LOL.

You know what? It's kind of weird 'coz after I did that adding thing I ended up gaining weight. Hmm, I don't know if me gaining weight is somehow connected to me adding almost everyone in my yearbooks. Well, I'm also thinking that months before I did that adding thing I just turned twenty-two and I came across a theory via radio one time saying that a person's body changes every seven years. Hmm, it so happen that since at that point in my life I ended up being one or two sizes larger than I was before I turned twenty-two. Uhm, do you get me or is my grammar getting more and more confusing? I wish I'll lose the weight I gained really soon or something.

I don't know with me but when I was younger it seems like a mobile phone and the internet are more of a playground to me or something. I don't know why. Well, I had my first mobile phone if I'm not mistaken way back the summer before college. Hmm, at first I didn't know what to do with my first mobile phone. I mean, I don't have my friends' contact numbers at that time or something. Uhm, I forgot how it happened but after a few weeks since college began I was able to get some of my high school friends' contact numbers. Well, maybe I was able to get one of my high school friend's contact number and I asked her to send me our other high school friends' contact numbers or something. Hmm, maybe that's what happened but I'm not so sure. LOL.

I also don't know how it happened but I ended up joining a text clan way back first year college. I'm thinking maybe one of my high school friends or one of my college friends introduced me to join a text clan. If I remember it right I was given a certain mobile number of who happens to be the administrator of that certain text clan. I sent a message to that number saying that I wanna join then after a few minutes messages from other clanmates welcoming me to the clan were flooding my inbox. I did what I can to save all the numbers and say thank you for welcoming me to the clan. Hmm, it's just that I don't know those clanmates in person and there were no social networking sites back then so I don't know what they look like or what are they like or something.

Well, whenever I'm bored way back first year college there were times when I just get my mobile phone and send quotes to almost everyone in my phonebook and if someone I texted to replies then I reply to that person's message and if that person replies to my reply then I go and reply to her/his reply until the conversation gets boring and either one of us will say goodbye or say that either one of us will text the other one later. Hmm, something like that. That's quite simple.

Hmm, I don't really feel like using this term but the term used to pertain to a person one talks to via text is a “textmate”. Well, I don't know how many textmates I had back then. All I know is I just replied and replied to their messages 'coz I was so bored with life and I need to play. LOL. Well, there were some who wanted to take it to the next level and wanted to see me in person. It's just that I'm not the type who does an eyeball so I did whatever I can to come up with an alibi. Oh, not to mention that there were some who wanted to take it to the next level in a sense that those textmates asked me to be their girlfriend. Yeah, that's a big problem. I mean, I haven't even seen those textmates in person and I don't know what they look like and the same thing with them 'coz they have not seen me in person and they don't know what I look like and then they want me to be their girlfriend? What a question mark. Just try to imagine how weird some people can be.

So what I did is I turned those textmates down saying whatever alibi that pops out of my head so I won't end up hurting their feelings. I mean, it's not a joke to be rejected. So I told them no and I don't wanna be their girlfriend and then I changed my number. Yeah, so that's the answer to why I often change my number back in my late teenage years. LOL. I mean, I was just bored and I felt like texting. Well, maybe back then I was thinking that I wasn't talking to another human being. Maybe I was thinking that I was just talking to my mobile phone the whole time or something.

You know what? I often send quotes to almost everyone in my phonebook back then and I'm thinking if I only knew that there's such thing as a micro-blogging website back then and it's easy to post something there then maybe I would just have posted all those quotes on my micro-blogging website account or what. Do you get me or is my grammar getting more and more confusing? I mean, you can't blame me. I took a boring course for college that's why I ended up playing around with my mobile phone. It's like studying my boring college lessons was my work and texting was my play. All I know is I didn't mean to cause trouble to anyone or something.

Oh, it's the same thing with chatting on online chatrooms. Well, on online chatrooms I'm more of promoting links or something. I mean, it's either a link to my blog or a link to a video I uploaded on a video sharing website or whatever link that is. Well, I don't really get anything out of promoting links on online chatrooms especially anything monetary. Oh, not to mention that there are times when I bump into naughty people sending visually disturbing photos on online chatrooms. Well, I learned to master the art of deadma when such stuffs happens so there's nothing to worry about me or what. I mean, I won't let such disturbing stuffs ruin my day.

Oh, not to mention that I also became let's say an undercover agent on an online messenger. Well, let's say the aim is to find out if a certain person is naughty or nice. LOL. So I created an account on an online messenger carrying a name I just came up with and bearing a photo of a female celebrity that appeared on a search engine's image results. Let's hide the target person by the name “Mr. Anagram”. So I added Mr. Anagram on that online messenger account I created and we started talking there for some time. I also created social networking accounts for my undercover identity to make it more convincing that that undercover identity is not a phony one.

Hmm, to make that online messenger account also more convincing I added as many people on that online messenger account as possible so Mr. Anagram will think that since the undercover identity has many friends then that undercover identity is a real person and not a phony one. Do you get me or is my grammar getting more and more confusing? Hmm, so the story goes like this. One day when Mr. Anagram and I were chatting on that online messenger account I pretended to be a naughty girl and tried to talk naughty. Well, sad news is Mr. Anagram replied in a naughty way to my naughty chat messages until stuffs went naughtier and naughtier until I ended up asking myself what have I gotten myself into. Hmm, to make the long story short it seems like I ended up having an online on-the-job training for a bachelor's degree in the arts of romance novels. Yeah, that's how dedicated I was to my task as an undercover agent on an online messenger at that time. LOL. Well, I was just typing the whole time while brainstorming for what to say next as I try to remember what I have read on those romance novels I read back then anyway so it's not much of a big deal. LOL. Okay, that's the most stupid thing I ever did in my whole damn life and I'm not ever doing it ever again. Hmm, so that ends my story as being once an undercover agent with the aim of figuring out if Mr. Anagram is naughty or nice. LOL.

Well, problem is the data I have gathered wasn't enough to conclude if Mr. Anagram is naughty or nice so sad news is I wasn't able to figure him out. On second thought since Mr. Anagram replied in a naughty way to my naughty messages when I pretended to be a naughty girl then it can somehow support the hunch that Mr. Anagram is a naughty or something. Damn, just try to imagine how pathetic can I get. LOL. As I've said I was being an undercover agent at that time and I was just typing the whole time so it's really not much of a big deal. Hmm, let's just say I was writing a romance novel back then and that was like the climax of the novel or something.

Hmm, I'm not psychotic anymore. It seems like my psychotic mind said goodbye for good. I don't even know why I'm writing about this stuff when I'm supposed to talk about social networking sites in the first place. Well, maybe 'coz Mr. Anagram and I met on a social networking site or something. LOL. FYI, I saw a photo of Mr. Anagram on that social networking site where we met and I saw him a few times via webcam so I know what he looks like and he is pretty damn good looking so maybe that's why I allowed myself to go as pathetic as I can be ending up to be an undercover agent on an online messenger and social networking sites with the aim of figuring out if Mr. Anagram is naughty or nice. Well, as they say that it's part of growing up. All I know is for sure it ain't happening ever again. Damn, I'm like what have I gotten myself into back then. LOL.

Well, look at the bright side 'coz now that I was able to have some sort of online on-the-job training for a bachelor's degree in the arts of romance novels then I now have an idea what to do and what not to do in the actual whatever thing or something. Do you get me? It's like what I read on those romance pocket books and romance novels back then were the theory or what a student reads in textbooks and then what happened on the online messenger with Mr. Anagram was the practice stage of the lesson or the application of the theory. It's just that news is I don't think in the real world everybody knows there will be an actual whatever thing in my whole damn life.

Can't Tell You by Adeline Chrystyn

“Can’t Tell You”

Adeline Chrystyn

I can’t tell you why

I wanna be alone this time

you only wanna be a friend in my life

but I can’t let you in

all my fears are within

you might not like me

for who I am

I can’t stare at my

own face in the night

I only wanna change some things

in my dark

everything seems so blur

in this world of a fool

you might just leave me

alone, lonely

do you know how much

I wanna be with you?

but I kept on running away from you

and is my reason too shallow

for you to just go?

I won’t carry on

I wanna break free, go home

I only want some time for myself

to think about this thing

leaving no doubt

but my head is blank

I only sank

you don’t know how

to feel like this way

you never engage in a play

‘coz you are real

and I always feel

this thing wrapped all over my skin

do you know how much

I wanna be with you?

but I kept on running away from you

and is my reason too shallow

for you to just go?

and in the dark I’ve been

waiting for a stranger

who would give me all the answers

why I can’t

I can’t

I can’t

I can’t tell you who really am I

Scribble and Scratch It Down

I wrote a lot before this blog and I'm thinking if someone else was ever able to read what I wrote back then that person will most probably say something like “What a stupid and uneducated bitch is the one who wrote this shit.” LOL. I wrote most of what I wrote back when my disorder was at its worst in handwritten but there were some that I ended up posting on a blog 'coz I felt like screaming it to the whole world or something to make myself feel better. It's just that those stuffs I wrote were only about two percent of the real thing. LOL. It was just the tip of the iceberg.

It's just that I forgot whatever that was I wrote back then. I mean, I threw all those papers away and those papers are most probably in a dump site by now. I also deleted those blog posts after some time. I wonder what was that I wrote. Hmm, I forgot. LOL. I mean, I don't have my own copy of my literary masterpieces when my disorder was at its worst anymore. Hmm, it seems interesting to get the chance to read what I wrote back then again. It's just that I don't think that's possible 'coz I threw everything I wrote back then in the trash where it belongs. I mean, it was a stupid and uneducated bitch who wrote that shit anyway. LOL. Well, I was so disturbed back then so I guess what I wrote were most probably insane and out of this world stuffs or what.

I wonder if is it possible to read someone else's mind. Hmm, won't that be interesting? It's just that I'll most probably go out of my mind if God will give me the gift of mind reading. I wonder if someone out there can read my mind. Hmm, won't that be awful? Oh, not to mention that the mere thought of it can be so annoying. Well, if someone out there can read my mind I think that person will most probably end up going out of one's mind in the process. LOL.

I guess my dreams will remain as dreams forever 'coz I don't have what it takes to make those dreams come true. Oh, I remember my song “Sand Castles” 'coz there's a line in that song that goes something like “I go curling on my bed drifting into dreamland for a while.” Well, this kind of head God gave me may be a blessing at times but there are also times when this kind of head God gave me turns into a curse. All I know is I don't wanna go through some mental and emotional torture anymore or shall I say I don't want my psychotic mind to drop by 'til the end of time. I mean, it's not a joke or a laughing matter to go out of one's mind, mind you.

I'm thinking twice if I'll post photos here on my blog or what. Well, there are photo sharing websites whenever I wanna share some photos anyway so I guess it's much better for me to drop the idea. Well, not to mention that I don't really have that much photos to share. Well, I do have photos from way back memory lane. It's just that problem is we don't have a scanner here at home and I don't know if I can drop by the internet café to have those old pictures scanned as soon as possible. You know what? If I am to choose between painting on a canvas and taking pictures I'll most probably go with taking pictures. Oh, here comes the frustrated photographer without a digital camera. Well, if you can count a 2 megapixel camera phone in then that will be nice. LOL.

Hey, I'm thinking of dropping by a photo studio and have a photo of myself taken. I mean, I just wanna have a keepsake of what I look like now that I'm already in my mid-twenties. Well, problem is number one it seems like the cameras don't like me and number two I'm not that comfortable being in front of the camera especially when the camera is held by another person. By the way, I look different in photos and in person. Hmm, I don't know why. Well, it's a reality that the cameras don't like me but there are some limited edition cameras that seem to have an automatic photoshop when it comes to taking portraits of myself. LOL. Hmm, I don't know why.

Well, I'm a home buddy so there's really no point for me to have my own digital camera 'coz what kinds of scenery am I gonna capture when I'm often staying here at home. Oh, my current 2 megapixel camera phone doesn't like me. Well, my webcam used to have that so-called automatic photoshop that I'm babbling about. It's just that it's now broken so I can't take photos with my webcam anymore. Hmm, so I guess this is what happens when one's gadget is somehow depreciating. LOL. Oh, problem is I can't have a new laptop 'coz I don't have a single penny in my pocket for me to buy myself a new one. I can't even buy myself a new camera phone so how much more a new laptop. Damn, so it seems like this is the downside of being unemployed, huh?

Oh, not to mention that I look like a witch with this hair that I have. Hey, have you heard of costume playing or cosplaying if I'm not mistaken? Hmm, I wonder if costumes are available in some photo studios and wearing such costumes during the photo shoot is part of the whole package or something. Hmm, I hope they have wigs and I prefer one with a dark brownish red color. LOL. Oh, I want the wig with bangs too. LOL. Hmm, let's just say having a photo of myself taken in a photo studio is one of those stuffs that I wanna do in my bucket list. LOL.

I mean, a least there will a photo to be displayed right above my coffin during my wake, right? LOL. Oh, speaking of my wake I want something like this written on my epitaph when I leave this world of the living “A complicated girl who once lived in a simple world.” Hmm, I think I'll go to a photo studio and have a photo of myself taken one of these days. I mean, I only live once. Hmm, I wonder if there's such thing as reincarnation. If ever there's such thing then I wonder who was I in my past lives and who will I be in my future lives. Well, I don't really know. Never mind.

I'm Such a No Diva

Whenever I listen to my raw recorded singing voice it can't help sink in me how I'm such a no diva. LOL. Well, I read somewhere that anyone who knows how to write can already consider one's self as a writer and anyone who knows how to talk can sing. I guess that makes some sense, right? It's just that not everyone who can write has what it takes to write a page-turner and not everyone who can sing can nail a song with bad ass vocals. LOL. Hmm, am I making some sense here or what? LOL. Oh, thank goodness I was able to accidentally discover a way to make my recorded singing voice sound better and don't bother asking how 'coz I'm not saying. LOL.

I was able to sing in front of an audience if I'm not mistaken way back either of the last two years of grade school when our teacher in Music asked each student to sing a song to the class. I chose to sing a Christmas song and our teacher in Music asked me to stop singing when I reached the middle of the song maybe 'coz he noticed that I was murmuring instead of singing. Yeah, that was horrible. Damn it. LOL. Oh, not to mention that those days were the Princess of Pop days. LOL.

When the second semester of second year college came I was able to sing in front of an audience all over again 'coz our teacher in Speech class asked each student to sing a song to the class as part of our final examination. I sang the first single released by the Punk Princess from her second studio record album. Well, there was no special reason why I chose to sing that song. I mean, I just looked for some minus ones around town and I found no other song I know how to sing aside from that song. Well, I lacked confidence when I sang that song in front of our Speech class and I think I was so pitchy the whole time I was singing. Well, never mind. Damn it. LOL.

I wish I knew how to sing that time and my singing voice was somehow polished like the way it is now. It's just that I find it scary to sing in front of an audience these days. I think I'm not ready for whatever reaction from the audience am I gonna get. As I've said I guess I don't have what it takes to be a singer songwriter in the real world everybody knows. Yeah, what a sad reality.

I’m not musically gifted and it’s so pathetic that I ended up to be a super trying hard wanna-be. I really like to sing even though my voice sounds like shit. I even once wanna have my own recording studio here at home or maybe a music making software. Oh, now I remember my favorite female celebrity in my country. I can relate to her in a way that she badly wanted to have a record since she was so young. And you know what? She had it. She even had concerts all over the country and a world tour. She’s not a diva and she’s humble enough to admit that she’s aware of it. The thing is, it’s not annoying to listen to her. Someone even made a comment that she’s the only out of tune singer that everyone will love listening to. Hmm, I kind of agree to that. LOL.

I'm listening to “It's a Mess” while coming up with this blog entry. I mean, listening to my songs here in my computer makes me feel like I'm really a singer songwriter in the real world everybody knows. LOL. Oh, July is my birthday month and as a birthday wish I pray that I'll get a thousand views for the lyric video of my song “A Broken Record” that I uploaded on my video sharing website's channel carrying my official pen name “Adeline Chrystyn”. Hmm, is it too much to ask? Well, I tried promoting my song's lyric video on a micro-blogging website. It's just that my accounts got suspended so I can't keep on sending a link of my lyric video that I uploaded on a video sharing website via that micro-blogging website anymore. Do you get me or is my grammar too confusing? LOL. You know what? If I'll get a thousand views for “A Broken Record” then it will surely be one of the best birthday gifts ever. LOL. Yeah, right. So here I am dreaming the impossible dream all over again, huh? Oh, I'm listening to “Sand Castles” right now. LOL. Hmm, I'm thinking that I'll only believe that there's nothing impossible in this world if my lyric video for “A Broken Record” that I uploaded on my video sharing website's channel carrying my official pen name “Adeline Chrystyn” will get a million views on the video sharing website where I uploaded it. Hmm, or do I need some reality check or something, huh?

Damn, is it too much to ask? LOL. Oh, if you're worried about me being unable to handle negative criticisms then you should'nt be. I mean, in that micro-blogging website where I promoted my lyric video for “A Broken Record” someone replied to my message saying that my song is shit. Hmm, honestly what that person said hurts but surprisingly it didn't hurt that much. Well, maybe 'coz I like “A Broken Record” just the way it is and I'm quite satisfied with how the lyrics and melody turned out not to mention that in fairness I got some good feedback when it comes to the lyrics of the song from friends even though majority of my friends think that I need to work on the melody or the music 'coz they somehow agree that my song “A Broken Record” sounds like a nursery rhyme. LOL. But still I don't feel like changing anything in my song. LOL.

Second Language

I'm thinking of going back job hunting and apply as an ESL Teacher. Well, I know how to speak the English Language but problem is I'm so sure if I know how to explain the complexities of the English grammar to ESL Students. I'm willing to be trained though. I mean, I guess it's time for me to wake up from my dreamland make-believing that I'm working as an amateur writer online and start earning my own dough in the real world everybody knows. Hmm, now I'm thinking twice if am I gonna push through with job hunting or not. Damn, I don't know with me.

I mean, it's been years since college graduation and since I withdrew out of graduate school and I'm still part of the unemployed group. Damn, if I only have what it takes to make my unreachable and impossible dreams come true. Okay, so I'm gonna go online and go job hunting for nearby ESL Schools looking for ESL Teachers. Well, I guess the problem is I just don't believe in my potentials or something. Oh, not to mention that I'm such a pessimist. You know what? If I can only spend the rest of my life earning my own dough by writing then that will surely make the whole damn world a better place to live in. Damn, can somebody wake me up?

You know what? I heard someone once said that if one thinks that a task is easy then it will be easy but if one thinks that a task is difficult then it will surely be difficult. Hmm, I'm thinking that does make some sense. So why won't I think that being an ESL Teacher is just as easy as one-two-three? I guess that will somehow boost my self-confidence a little. LOL. Oh, not to mention when I went job hunting a few years ago I usually end up spoiling everything during the job interview. Well, the difference now is I'm not that depressed girl anymore or shall I say I'm not that disturbed girl with a psychotic mind anymore so I guess I'll most probably do good in the job interviews that I'm gonna go through whenever I'll go and push though with my job hunting.

Oh, is my grammar too confusing? Well, I don't really know. I mean, this is just that way that I write and in my case as long as it sounds good then it's fine. But in fairness to our English Teachers back in school they never failed to remind us that it doesn't mean that it sounds good then the grammar is correct. Hmm, yes I know how to speak and write in English. It's just that I'm thinking there's still a whole lot more that I don't know about the English Language. Damn, now I'm really thinking twice if am I gonna push through with job hunting as an ESL Teacher or what.

Oh, why am I writing in English? Well, it's because I consider English as a Universal Language in a sense that a lot of people around the world know how to speak it or are learning how to speak it so it's like if someone who knows how to speak in English from the other side of the globe finds my blog and reads my posts then it will be easy for that person to understand what I wrote. Hmm, I guess that's as simple as that. I guess it's not about in what language one expresses one's self 'coz it's all about expressing one's self in a language one feels most comfortable. I guess so.

Oh, here comes the side of me thinking that I'm unemployable. It's just that it really sucks to still be dependent on my parents now that I'm already in my mid-twenties. Hey, why won't I just do some artworks here at home and sell them online instead? Hmm, I guess that will make the whole damn world a better place to live in. I mean, it suits my personality very well and making artworks is what I'm good at anyway not to mention that it's the only clear talent that God gave me. It's just that it's been ages since I did some artworks 'coz I was so focused with living my dreams as a frustrated singer songwriter and frustrated writer for the past three years. Well, I guess it's never too late to polish my talent in making artworks all over again, right? Hey, I wanna be forever fourteen and funny thing is a decade after which makes me twenty-four I was able to live my unreachable and impossible dreams even just inside the four walls of my room. LOL. I guess there's really a time for everything, huh? I guess it's more than enough that I could ask for.

Hmm, so I guess there's a change of plan. I'm gonna go and get myself a sketchpad, some pencils, and some coloring materials then I'm gonna go and come up with artworks here at home. I mean, I'm really a home buddy and I really have this strong feeling that I'm unemployable. Hey, why won't I ask for a sign from God? Okay, so if I go job hunting online and there's a nearby ESL School looking for ESL Teachers then I'm gonna give it a shot but if there's none then I'm gonna push through with making artworks. Hmm, I hope I'll get an answer soon and that's an amen.

Acapella to Acoustic

I don't know why but a part of me wants to turn my twelve-song-acapella-record-album into a real studio record album with guitars, piano, bass, drums, violin, and my voice on it. I want it to sound a little bit like pop, alternative, punk, and rock. Hmm, is it too much to ask? Well, problem is I don't have a band and I got no plans of having one not to mention that I also don't know how to play any musical instruments. Well, I tried to learn how to play the piano and guitar when I was younger. It's just that I stopped when I realized I got no idea what timing is all about. LOL.

Hmm, I'm thinking of having my own guitar and turn my twelve-song-acapella-record-album into a twelve-song-acoustic-record-album. I mean, I guess it's never too late to start learning how to play the guitar all over again, right? By the way, whenever I listen to the fine-tuned version of “It's a Mess” I can't help be in awe that I was able to come up with such. Sad news is it seems like the magic is gone now and I don't know if those once in a blue moon songwriting sessions will ever drop by again. I guess it's much better for me to be satisfied with “It's a Mess” as of now. I mean, at least I was able to live my dream as a frustrated singer songwriter even just inside the four walls of my room, right? I guess it's more than enough that I could ask for. Hmm, I guess so.

You know what? In fairness to my singing voice I got a funny feeling that it somehow got polished through the years of my constant screaming. LOL. Oh. I mean, singing. I don't know with me. Well, sad news is none of those who have heard me sing ever told me I sound nice to listen to. I mean, it's a reality that those who have heard me sing live and in the flesh found my singing voice too annoying. Well, good news is I was able to accidentally find a way to make my recorded singing voice sound better so I came up with a fine-tuned version of my songs. LOL.

My final twelve-song-acapella-record-album took about a decade in the making. I mean, I'm not really musically talented so that's why it took that long for me to come up with “It's a Mess”. I don't know why I wanted to be a singer songwriter. All I know is I wanted to be one the first time I saw the Princess of Pop singing her first single on an international music channel way back the last years of grade school and the fire to be one ignited even more when I saw the Punk Princess singing her first single on a national music channel's weekly chart show at fourteen years old.

I've been writing songs since the last years of grade school. The golden age of my songwriting years was by mid of high school. I kept those songs I wrote that time in a notebook. I lost that notebook for some time but I was able to find it again by mid of 2012. There are times when I write a song and I end up asking myself in disbelief if am I really the one who wrote it. I tried to read the songs I wrote way back high school only to realize that most of my songs don't make any sense at all and only a few of them made it to be a part of my twelve-song-acapella-record-album.

I have written more or less five dozens of songs for the past more or less thirteen years of my life. It's just that most of the songs I wrote don't make any sense at all so it narrowed down to twenty seven songs worth uploading on a video sharing website. Then the twenty seven songs narrowed down to twelve songs which made it to be a part of the final list of my first twelve-song-acapella-record-album “It's a Mess”. And those twelve songs have a fine-tuned version that you can check out on my unofficial video sharing website's channel that carries my unofficial pen name “Adeline McSunday” 'coz I'd like to be called as “Adeline Chrystyn” from now on. FYI, I wrote half of “It's a Mess” for a span of a decade and the other half on the same year which is 2012.

It's Just a Little Crush

If I only know how to put my daydreams into writing I would have written a lot of novels by now. It's just that I don't know how so my dream to one day write a page-turner still remains a dream up until now. Sometimes I tell myself to just settle as a reader 'coz maybe being a writer isn't really meant for me 'coz I just don't have what it takes to be one. But there's a fire within me telling me not to give up and give it one more shot. Well, I'm not really a creative writer. I'm more on writing about my thoughts and my feelings. Yeah, right. As if someone out there cares about what I think and how I feel. LOL. Hmm, I'll keep on writing no matter what anyway. LOL.

I had thoughts of writing a love story 'coz I noticed that it sells more to the youth. It's just that it seems like I'm not the right person to write a love story 'coz I don't have the experience to back it up 'coz I never had any love life in my whole damn life in the first place. Well, I do have daydreams about my crushes and I but as I've said I don't know how to put my daydreams into writing so I better drop the idea of writing a novel about it. I guess that will make the world a better place to live in. LOL. Well, some of my daydreams are happy ending ones but I also have daydreams about my crushes and I with a tragic ending. Hmm, the side of me who is fool enough to be idealistic will go with the happy ending ones. LOL. Damn, can somebody wake me up?

Oh, speaking of crushes I like it better when a crush of mine doesn't give a damn about me or doesn't even know that I exist. I don't know why I like it better that way. Well, maybe 'coz I don't really want anything more than a crush feeling and maybe 'coz I'm not the type who enters into a boy-girl relationship anyway. I mean, I have been a loner since time in memorial and up until now that I'm already in my mid-twenties I still find it hard to adjust to people. I even have a funny feeling that it were the people around me who did whatever they can to adjust to me.

Oh, not to mention that I'm a harmless stalker. Yup, I stalk my crushes. My first crush that I stalked was my Australian schoolmate way back fifth grade. When high school came I stalked the lead vocal of my favorite American rock band online 'coz I have a huge crush on him. LOL. When college came I stalked a Chinito crush of mine who looks like a Japanese Animation Character on a social networking site and semi-stalked him inside the school campus. Also way back college I stalked a campus mate who looks like the boy who lived the book cover version that I had a crush on inside the school campus. LOL. Damn, look how freaky can I get. LOL.

I don't know why I just like looking at them even from afar and knowing some little trivia about them via stalking. When I went to graduate school I stalked a Turkish crush of mine on a social networking site. Well, I don't have a new crush as of the moment and it seems like it's time for me to put an end to my stalking career. LOL. Please don't get me wrong but it seems like stalking my crushes is a form of entertainment on my part. It's like I do get entertained when I stalk them. It's like my crushes are celebrities and I'm their number one fan. Hmm, something like that. LOL.

I guess it's safe to say that I never fell in love with a boy my whole damn life. I mean, if you ask me I think “love” is the most abused word of all time. Saying you love someone isn't like saying “Hello” and “Goodbye”. I like my crushes but I don't love them. Well, what I feel for my crushes is just some sort of severe infatuation that is most often mistaken as love. Hmm, why am I talking about my crushes? Well, maybe 'coz I find it an interesting topic to talk about. LOL. Hmm, now I'm having second thoughts if do I really find this topic interesting. Well, maybe my younger self will find this one interesting. It's just that I'm older now so this topic is just a so-and-so topic for me or something. I don't even know why I'm talking about this stuff when I'm supposed to talk about my dream to one day write a page-turner to begin with. I don't know with me. Well, I just hope my readers will find this topic interesting if I ever do have readers in the first place. LOL.

Oh, I have a thing for mestizo guys especially those who are white, tall, and skinny. By the way, I think I'm gonna be an old maiden. I mean, I'm not the marrying type and all that. Well, I think it's a blessing to have a child and start a family. It's just that as the way things look right now I'm not ever gonna have my own child in my whole damn life. I mean, I don't want the whole universe to end. LOL. It seems like I'm not really that ready for such kind of responsibility and all that.

I'm happy being single and I love being single. Well, maybe 'coz at this point in my life I'm not ready to commit into anything. I mean, being in a relationship isn't just about love. It's also about trust, loyalty, faithfulness, commitment, and what not. Oh, look who's talking. LOL. Well, I just read or heard that somewhere and I'm thinking that does make some sense, right? Oh, not to mention that a deep kind of friendship is sure to be a firm foundation. Hmm, makes sense. LOL.

I'm sorry if here I go flipping the pages of the past for no damn reason all over again. It's just that there's really nothing new to talk about. I guess it's okay to have a crush on someone. I mean, it's just a crush anyway. LOL. I don't know what's going on in my crushes' lives these days. I mean, it's been ages since I last stalked them in any way possible. LOL. Yeah, it seems like these days are the dark ages of my stalking career, huh? LOL. Well, it's okay. I don't mind. LOL.

Well, my crush feeling for my crushes isn't that strong anymore. I don't know why. My latest crush is that Turkish guy I met on a social networking site back then and I never had a strong crush feeling on any other guy since then. I had my first crush when I was eight. Hmm, I don't think that's that early. I may have a crush on a few handsome men but I hate boys in general especially those jerks who never grew up. I don't wanna have anything to do with those jerks and they better go to hell. Hey, I'm not allowing those jerks to ruin this blog entry so why won't I go back talking about my crushes. I guess that will make the whole damn world a better place to live in. LOL. Hmm, I wonder what my crushes are up to these days. It's just that I don't feel like stalking them on social networking sites anymore. I don't know why. Well, maybe 'coz it's time for me to outgrow and put an end to my stalking career from now on or something. LOL.