Better Not Keep My Hopes High

Damn, I wonder what happened to the e-mail messages I sent. Well, I don't really know. You know what? I guess it's much better for me to forget about it for now and think of something else. Hmm, problem is what something else am I gonna talk about? Well, I don't really know. Damn it. LOL. By the way, I really have nothing much in mind right now. Hmm, it's just that I feel like writing so here I am coming up with another blog draft. Damn, I'm really running out of nonsense out here. Hmm, so what else am I gonna talk about aside from my thoughts and my feelings and anything nonsense in between? Well, I don't really know. Damn it. LOL. Hmm, so I think I'm gonna go and check my e-mail address from time to time to check if any of those I sent an e-mail message to replied or something. By the way, I thought of coming up with a poem book. Hmm, it's just that problem is I don't really have that much poems out here so I dropped the idea. LOL.

You know what? I'm kind of wondering if is it wrong of me to send my poem “A Broken Record” to a local newspaper via e-mail and send a book proposal via e-mail to a book publishing company that's based in this country where I live in. I mean, it's just that I don't know with me but I have a bad feeling about this like I made such a wrong move or something. Well, then I came to think how can such be a wrong move when it's a step for me towards a career in writing or something. You know what? I really have nothing to lose or something. Well, I'm thinking maybe it's my fear of failure and my allergy to criticisms resurfacing all over again. Hmm, I don't really know with me. I mean, all I know is I did my part and it's up to God to do the rest. Well, I'm still not keeping my hopes high. I mean, considering the fact that I don't really have any background when it comes to publishing and stuffs. Damn, what am I saying? Well, I don't know with me.

Hmm, so what else am I gonna talk about aside from my thoughts and my feelings and anything nonsense in between? Well, I don't really know. Damn it. LOL. You know what? Hmm, I guess I have to say that better not mind me when I'm writing a bunch of nonsense at times. I mean, as I've said writing is like a therapy to me or something. Well, let's put it this way. Hmm, it's like when a working girl is stressed out then she has the tendency to turn into a shopaholic at times to cope with stress. I mean, if you can catch my drift. LOL. Well, problem is I don't know if I'm stressed out or not that's why I'm writing a bunch of nonsense in this blog draft or something. Damn it. Hmm, so what else am I gonna talk about aside from my thoughts and my feelings and anything nonsense in between? Well, I don't really know. Damn it. You know what? I'm thinking maybe I'm not really meant to start earning my own dough as a writer. Damn, what a heartbreak that is.

You know what? I don't really have that much in mind right now. Hmm, so what else am I gonna talk about aside from my thoughts and my feelings and anything nonsense in between? Well, I don't really know. Damn it. LOL. Hmm, I guess the best thing for me to do is just to keep on blogging. You know what? I'm sounding like a broken record all over again or something. Damn, I'm thinking the best thing for me to do in the real world everybody knows is to be a businesswoman even if I'm not a business-minded kind of person. I mean, I'm thinking maybe I'm not really meant to start earning my own dough as a writer. Hmm, on second thought I'm thinking of dropping by the office of that company that's looking for writers. Well, I don't know with me. Hmm, it's just that problem is I'm not really an article writer or something. Oh, now I know what I'm gonna do with my remaining internet minutes after updating my blog. Hmm, I'm thinking of researching for a low capital business that I can possibly get myself into. Well, I don't really know. Hmm, why won't I just wait for a reply from those I sent an e-mail message to for now?

Overcome My Fear of Failure

I went surfing online a while ago and I ended up bumping into a list of instructions on how to send a book proposal to a publishing company that is based in this country where I live in. Hmm, so I came up with a book proposal and I'm thinking of sending it by the time I have written 97,500 words of nonsense. I mean, I guess it's time for me to overcome my fear of failure or something. Hmm, so what else am I gonna talk about? Well, I don't really know. You know what? I'm thinking I better wait until next year or something. I mean, what if the publishing company will just throw my work of art in the trash or something. Damn, won't that be so heartbreaking? Hmm, so what else am I gonna talk about? Well, I don't really know. Oh, why won't I ask for a sign? I mean, I'm thinking I'll only send a book proposal to this said publishing company by the time my blog book miraculously survives a year. Well, I don't really know. LOL.

Hmm, so what else am I gonna talk about aside from my thoughts and my feelings and anything nonsense in between? Well, I don't really know. By the way, I also went job hunting online a while ago and researched on how to start a business or something. Oh, not to mention that I also checked out my news feed on a social networking site and stalked my favorite celebrities on a micro-blogging website. You know what? I guess the best thing for me to do for now is to keep on documenting my thoughts and my feelings and anything nonsense in between and not think too much about literary agents, publishing companies, and not to mention being the next bestselling author who wrote the next bestselling book. Damn, I'm sounding like a broken record all over again. LOL. Hmm, so what else am I gonna talk about? Well, I don't really know. LOL.

You know what? I'm thinking I'm just pressured to start earning my own dough at this point in my life. Hmm, it's just that it's nothing new that I'm unemployable not to mention that I want to be my own boss. Oh, to add to that it seems like I wasn't really able to develop some interpersonal skills considering that I'm such a loner since time in memorial which means I find it hard to be with people and to adjust to people. I mean, if you can catch my drift. By the way, the Punk Princess' self-titled fifth studio record album is out now if I'm not mistaken. Hmm, it's just that I don't have a single penny in my pocket to grab a copy and that comes with a sad face. LOL. Damn, so what else am I gonna talk about? Well, I don't really know. LOL. You know what? I think I'm not meant to be an employee in a company. I'm thinking I'm meant to be a businesswoman. Damn, did I say “businesswoman”? I mean, that sounds like a tough one, huh? LOL. Hmm, problem is I'm not really a business-minded kind of person not to mention that I don't have a single penny in my pocket pocket to start off a business or something. Damn it. LOL.

You know what? I'm thinking of keeping on saving in my coin bank in ten pesos coin denomination for the sake of having a capital to start off a business someday. Hmm, so for the mean time I'm gonna try and figure out a business with a lot of potential that I'm gonna get myself into. You know what? I'm thinking of the basic needs of an individual aside from money 'coz let's face it that each one of us won't be able to have any of our basic needs if our pockets are empty. Damn it. Well, so it's gonna be food, clothing, shelter, and if one is sick then medicines. Oh, not to mention water and electricity. Hmm, I'm thinking appliances, gadgets, cellphone load or internet load and so on and so forth are just secondary needs or something. Well, I don't really feel like getting into food business though it seems like it's the most intelligent choice since people eat everyday 'coz the pessimist in me is telling me that I don't wanna have anything to do with food poisoning. Damn it. Oh, when it comes to shelter I don't have a single penny in my pocket to venture into an apartment business. Hmm, so I'm thinking of getting into a clothing retail store business instead. Well, it's just that people don't buy clothes everyday or something. You know what? I'm really thinking of putting up a secondhand bookshop someday. Damn it.

An Uncertain Path to Take

Well, it's All Souls' Day and the home buddy that I am still opt to stay stuck inside my cave where I peacefully belong. Hmm, I went online a few hours ago to check on a social networking site if my cousin who just got married uploaded wedding photos. Well, it turns out that she didn't so far so it seems like I just ended up wasting my time. Hmm, so I went checking out who among my friends on the said social networking site was online at that time and greeted them a “Happy Halloween”. Well, I know it's kind of late 'coz Halloween is supposed to be on the night of the 31^st of October towards midnight if I'm not mistaken. LOL. By the way, I also uploaded on a micro-blogging website that black and white photo I came up with last Thursday if I'm not mistaken and wrote something like when my time in this world of the living is up I want to be remembered as a complicated girl who once lived in a simple world. LOL. Hmm, whatever. LOL.

You know what? I really sense no harm in sending a query to literary agents by December or something so why is there a part of me telling me that it's not such a good idea. Well, maybe 'coz it's my fear of failure resurfacing all over again. I mean, what if literary agents won't see any potential in my work of art or something and just throw in the trash what I worked hard for in the past few months? Damn, won't that be so heartbreaking? Oh, not to mention that I'm not writing a book that has a beginning, a middle, and an end just like what novels are supposed to be according to the online articles that I have read. Well, on second thought my blog book “Mysterious Girl” by Adeline Chrystyn is not a novel to begin with. I mean, my blog book or shall I say my work of art is simply a written document of my thoughts and my feelings and anything nonsense in between since I began carrying my pen name “Adeline Chrystyn” last June.

You know what? I'm still thinking of sending some of my poems to a local newspaper. Well, it's just that problem is I have a funny feeling that it's not such a good idea. Oh, not to mention that I don't really know if I'm ready for criticisms especially for those not-so-constructive criticisms expressed in a barbaric way. You know what? I guess the best thing for me to do is to keep on blogging even if I don't know where what I'm doing is going. By the way, a college friend asked me through chat on a social networking site a few hours ago if am I thinking of going back to school and proceed to another business-related course. Well, I told her that I'm not interested. Hmm, those weren't really the exact words of our conversation but I guess the thought is there. LOL. I mean, as I've said I really feel like I don't belong in the corporate world. You know what? I'm kind of thinking since there's no such thing as a Creative Writing course in this country where I live in then the course in college closest to Writing that I can think of is no other than Literature.

Well, the problem with Literature is that I don't really feel like studying someone else's work of art. I mean, it's like I'm not really that interested in studying Shakespeare or whoever that is. Well, let's put it this way. I mean, it's like studying Music in grade school and high school. Hmm, it's like teachers and books discuss about Classical Music, Baroque Music, Contemporary Music, and whatever that is which I'm not a bit interested in 'coz my ideal kind of class in Music is for students to be taught how to play musical instruments like guitar, piano, bass, drums, violin, and what not. Oh, not to mention forming groups or bands then students get the chance to write their own songs plus play them in a mini-concert inside the school campus and stuffs like that. I mean, if you can catch my drift. Oh, or much better come up with a record album as a project for the finals or something. LOL. Hmm, it's just that I know I'm a fool enough to be idealistic especially in today's modern world or what. Oh, not to mention that who am I to suggest a new curriculum for Music in grade school and high school. LOL. Well, I'm thinking maybe some people will go and tell me if that's the case why didn't I just went into a conservatory then. LOL. Hmm, damn it.

I Find it Ideal to Work at Home

Well, since we moved into a new place a few months ago and I'm not that familiar with my new environment then it seems like I find it ideal to work at home instead of being employed in a company somewhere out there. I mean, in this new place I'm sort of isolated from the city where I grew up and it seems like if I land a job in my old city then I'm thinking my salary won't be enough to cover the transportation, lunch, and not to mention my medicines. Well, if you can catch my drift. Hmm, actually I dropped by online a few minutes ago and went researching on how to self-publish a book online without spending a single centavo. Damn, why won't I just write a book to begin with and then send my work of art to literary agents when it's ready? I mean, I don't have superpowers to do everything on my own. Well, if you can catch my drift.

Hmm, then my research led me to a self-publishing company looking for data encoders and I was like somewhat interested to apply or something. It's just that when I read the qualifications that company is looking for I realized that I'm not qualified 'coz I can't type 70 words per minute with 98 percent accuracy not to mention that they opt for somebody who can touch type. Damn it. Hmm, so I researched for data encoding jobs or typing jobs or whatever you call it on a search engine and then I realized that I have a problem when it comes to the difference between typing on a laptop's keyboard and typing on an old-fashioned keyboard. I mean, it seems like my fingers got used to typing on a laptop's keyboard and my fingers usually get lost whenever typing on an old-fashioned keyboard. Hmm, so the problem led me to researching about work at home jobs.

Well, if you ask me I think the idea of being able to work at home and start earning my own dough is brilliant. It's just that I have an issue when it comes to how am I gonna get my pay. I mean, I find it ideal for my pay to simply be deposited in my bank account every pay day or something rather than receiving it through an electronic money transfer whatever thing that I forgot the right term or through cheque. I mean, if you can catch my drift. Well, it's just that the world is changing each and every second so I guess the best thing for me to do is to adjust to everything which is not to mention something I find quite a challenge. LOL. Well, there are different kinds of work at home jobs. Hmm, I read about those and decided that I opt to be a self-employed blogger. Well, if I'm not mistaken it's like earning while blogging through letting advertisers post advertisements on the extra spaces of my blog or something. Hmm, and if I understand it correctly it's like a pay-per-click whatever thing which means the blogger earns a certain amount for every click the advertisement gets. I mean, if you can catch my drift. LOL.

Hmm, it's just that that style of earning while blogging is not that lucrative most especially when one's blog doesn't have that much traffic. Damn, I think I'm gonna go and research about data entry jobs in companies within walking distance the next time I drop by online. LOL. You know what? I'm thinking of starting my own business instead not to mention that I'm the kind of person who opts to be one's own boss. LOL. It's just that number one I don't have a single penny in my pocket to start a business not to mention that number two even if I do have a capital I don't have any idea what kind of business am I gonna get myself into. Hey, why won't I give answering surveys a try? Well, I don't really know. On second thought it's somehow inconvenient to work online when we don't have a 24/7 internet connection at home. Well, it's okay. I mean, if ever we do have a 24/7 internet connection at home it seems like I'll only end up wasting the hours surfing the internet or something. Well, what I'm saying is there's really nothing much to do online aside from keeping my blog updated from time to time, promoting my lyric video of my song “A Broken Record” on social networking sites, watching videos on a video sharing website, and stalking my favorite celebrities online. LOL. Damn, how the hell am I gonna start earning my own dough by blogging? Hmm, I think I'm gonna go and research for online writing jobs or what.

Songwriting Sessions

I think it's much better for me to drop “It's a Mess by Adeline Chrystyn” but I'll still go on promoting my song “A Broken Record” the way I know how. LOL. I mean, I guess there are times in life when one has to give up on something so I decided to give up my dream to be a singer songwriter slash recording artist someday. Well, never mind the reason why I feel like giving up on something at this point in my life. Hmm, aside from I really see no future for me in being a singer songwriter slash recording artist. I mean, I just don't have that “It” that they are looking for whatever that “It” is. Well, there's another reason but I'd rather not share it 'coz it's quite too personal not to mention that it's mental so just forget about it or something. LOL. Damn.

Oh, not to mention that it seems like the magic of those once in a blue moon songwriting sessions is gone now. Hmm, to add to that I have a funny feeling that those who have heard me sing live and in the flesh found my singing voice too annoying. LOL. So I guess it's much better for me to focus more in make-believing that I'm working as an amateur writer online. I mean, who knows? Maybe one day a literary agent will accidentally bump into my blog, read my posts, see some potential in me, advise me to turn my blog into a book, and offer to represent my book to publishing companies. Hmm, it's just that it seems like no literary agent is stupid enough to do that. Well, who knows? What if a miracle will happen or something. Yeah, right. Whatever. LOL.

You know what? I'm kind of wondering if the internet is here to stay 'til the end of time. I mean, as they say nothing lasts forever, right? Well, I'm just wondering what is the best way to preserve my literary masterpieces or something. I mean, is it through posting it here on my blog? Or is it through having it printed on a short bond paper and book-bounded? You know what? I bumped into a website online offering services such as turning a blog into a book or something. It's just that I don't have a single penny in my pocket to avail of such service not to mention that I haven't written that much here on my blog for it to be book worthy yet. Or maybe I'll just have the pages printed on a short bond paper and have my literary masterpieces book-bounded someday. Well, I don't really know. I guess I need to give myself some time to think about it. Well, never mind.

Oh, not to mention that it really sucks to still be dependent on my parents now that I'm already in my mid-twenties. Damn, if I can only start earning my own dough through writing then that will surely make the whole damn world a better place to live in. Well, I tried to research for writing jobs online. It's just that all my efforts went into waste. Hmm, it seems like it's also not the right time for me to join a writing workshop. Well, never mind asking why 'coz I'm not saying the answer I have in mind. I guess all I can do for now is to keep on updating my blog the best way I can without knowing where what I'm doing goes. Damn, I wonder if will it go somewhere. LOL.

Hmm, I wonder if my lyric video for my song “A Broken Record” has reached another milestone on the video sharing website where I uploaded it. By the way, I'm still running seventy-one percent done in reading this Fantasy book series I'm reading these days. Well, I have been reading the same book for a week now. LOL. It's just sad that it will take some time before I will be able to watch the last twenty-five percent of the movie installments of this Fantasy book series I'm reading these days. Well, so here I go talking to myself all over again. LOL. Oh, you just don't have any idea how talking to one's self helps. I'm still gonna do whatever I can to keep my blog updated which is not an easy thing to do, mind you. By the way, I was able to browse through the classified ads section of a Sunday newspaper if I'm not mistaken last weekend. Well, there's nothing for me there. Hmm, why won't I do things my own way or something? I mean, if you ask me I prefer to write a book first and then send it to literary agents as a first step to achieving my dream to be a writer someday. Well, as I've said if self-publishing is an option then I'm not that rich to self-publish so I guess it's much better for me to drop the idea and that's an amen. LOL.

Scream by Adeline Chrystyn

“Scream”

Adeline Chrystyn

they tell you to talk, share your thoughts

when you were not talking at all

and when you learned how to talk

they tell you to shut up

‘coz they think

you don’t make any sense at all

oh, as the saying goes

damn, if you do

and damn, if you don’t

I’m tired of holding all my thought in

I wanna scream it

from the top of the mountain

they tell you you’re smart

then you’re dumb

to give out too much information

I think I better zip my lips

write it down

oh, thank you for pen and paper

oh, as the saying goes

damn, if you do

and damn, if you don’t

I’m tired of holding all my thought in

I wanna scream it

from the top of the mountain

if I hold it in

one day I’m gonna explode

and I don’t want such thing to happen

over and over again

oh, as the saying goes

damn, if you do

and damn, if you don’t

I’m tired of holding all my thought in

I wanna scream it

from the top of the mountain

oh, as the saying goes

damn, if you do

and damn, if you don’t

I’m tired of holding all my thought in

I wanna scream it

from the top of the mountain

if I hold it in

one day I’m gonna explode

and I don’t want such thing to happen

over and over again

oh, as the saying goes

damn, if you do

and damn, if you don’t

I’m tired of holding all my thought in

I wanna scream it

from the top of the mountain

oh, as the saying goes

damn, if you do

and damn, if you don’t

I’m tired of holding all my thought in

I wanna scream it

from the top of the mountain

they tell you to talk, share your thoughts

when you were not talking at all

and when you learned how to talk

they tell you to shut up

‘coz they think

you don’t make any sense at all

I'm Such a No Diva

Whenever I listen to my raw recorded singing voice it can't help sink in me how I'm such a no diva. LOL. Well, I read somewhere that anyone who knows how to write can already consider one's self as a writer and anyone who knows how to talk can sing. I guess that makes some sense, right? It's just that not everyone who can write has what it takes to write a page-turner and not everyone who can sing can nail a song with bad ass vocals. LOL. Hmm, am I making some sense here or what? LOL. Oh, thank goodness I was able to accidentally discover a way to make my recorded singing voice sound better and don't bother asking how 'coz I'm not saying. LOL.

I was able to sing in front of an audience if I'm not mistaken way back either of the last two years of grade school when our teacher in Music asked each student to sing a song to the class. I chose to sing a Christmas song and our teacher in Music asked me to stop singing when I reached the middle of the song maybe 'coz he noticed that I was murmuring instead of singing. Yeah, that was horrible. Damn it. LOL. Oh, not to mention that those days were the Princess of Pop days. LOL.

When the second semester of second year college came I was able to sing in front of an audience all over again 'coz our teacher in Speech class asked each student to sing a song to the class as part of our final examination. I sang the first single released by the Punk Princess from her second studio record album. Well, there was no special reason why I chose to sing that song. I mean, I just looked for some minus ones around town and I found no other song I know how to sing aside from that song. Well, I lacked confidence when I sang that song in front of our Speech class and I think I was so pitchy the whole time I was singing. Well, never mind. Damn it. LOL.

I wish I knew how to sing that time and my singing voice was somehow polished like the way it is now. It's just that I find it scary to sing in front of an audience these days. I think I'm not ready for whatever reaction from the audience am I gonna get. As I've said I guess I don't have what it takes to be a singer songwriter in the real world everybody knows. Yeah, what a sad reality.

I’m not musically gifted and it’s so pathetic that I ended up to be a super trying hard wanna-be. I really like to sing even though my voice sounds like shit. I even once wanna have my own recording studio here at home or maybe a music making software. Oh, now I remember my favorite female celebrity in my country. I can relate to her in a way that she badly wanted to have a record since she was so young. And you know what? She had it. She even had concerts all over the country and a world tour. She’s not a diva and she’s humble enough to admit that she’s aware of it. The thing is, it’s not annoying to listen to her. Someone even made a comment that she’s the only out of tune singer that everyone will love listening to. Hmm, I kind of agree to that. LOL.

I'm listening to “It's a Mess” while coming up with this blog entry. I mean, listening to my songs here in my computer makes me feel like I'm really a singer songwriter in the real world everybody knows. LOL. Oh, July is my birthday month and as a birthday wish I pray that I'll get a thousand views for the lyric video of my song “A Broken Record” that I uploaded on my video sharing website's channel carrying my official pen name “Adeline Chrystyn”. Hmm, is it too much to ask? Well, I tried promoting my song's lyric video on a micro-blogging website. It's just that my accounts got suspended so I can't keep on sending a link of my lyric video that I uploaded on a video sharing website via that micro-blogging website anymore. Do you get me or is my grammar too confusing? LOL. You know what? If I'll get a thousand views for “A Broken Record” then it will surely be one of the best birthday gifts ever. LOL. Yeah, right. So here I am dreaming the impossible dream all over again, huh? Oh, I'm listening to “Sand Castles” right now. LOL. Hmm, I'm thinking that I'll only believe that there's nothing impossible in this world if my lyric video for “A Broken Record” that I uploaded on my video sharing website's channel carrying my official pen name “Adeline Chrystyn” will get a million views on the video sharing website where I uploaded it. Hmm, or do I need some reality check or something, huh?

Damn, is it too much to ask? LOL. Oh, if you're worried about me being unable to handle negative criticisms then you should'nt be. I mean, in that micro-blogging website where I promoted my lyric video for “A Broken Record” someone replied to my message saying that my song is shit. Hmm, honestly what that person said hurts but surprisingly it didn't hurt that much. Well, maybe 'coz I like “A Broken Record” just the way it is and I'm quite satisfied with how the lyrics and melody turned out not to mention that in fairness I got some good feedback when it comes to the lyrics of the song from friends even though majority of my friends think that I need to work on the melody or the music 'coz they somehow agree that my song “A Broken Record” sounds like a nursery rhyme. LOL. But still I don't feel like changing anything in my song. LOL.

It's Just a Little Crush

If I only know how to put my daydreams into writing I would have written a lot of novels by now. It's just that I don't know how so my dream to one day write a page-turner still remains a dream up until now. Sometimes I tell myself to just settle as a reader 'coz maybe being a writer isn't really meant for me 'coz I just don't have what it takes to be one. But there's a fire within me telling me not to give up and give it one more shot. Well, I'm not really a creative writer. I'm more on writing about my thoughts and my feelings. Yeah, right. As if someone out there cares about what I think and how I feel. LOL. Hmm, I'll keep on writing no matter what anyway. LOL.

I had thoughts of writing a love story 'coz I noticed that it sells more to the youth. It's just that it seems like I'm not the right person to write a love story 'coz I don't have the experience to back it up 'coz I never had any love life in my whole damn life in the first place. Well, I do have daydreams about my crushes and I but as I've said I don't know how to put my daydreams into writing so I better drop the idea of writing a novel about it. I guess that will make the world a better place to live in. LOL. Well, some of my daydreams are happy ending ones but I also have daydreams about my crushes and I with a tragic ending. Hmm, the side of me who is fool enough to be idealistic will go with the happy ending ones. LOL. Damn, can somebody wake me up?

Oh, speaking of crushes I like it better when a crush of mine doesn't give a damn about me or doesn't even know that I exist. I don't know why I like it better that way. Well, maybe 'coz I don't really want anything more than a crush feeling and maybe 'coz I'm not the type who enters into a boy-girl relationship anyway. I mean, I have been a loner since time in memorial and up until now that I'm already in my mid-twenties I still find it hard to adjust to people. I even have a funny feeling that it were the people around me who did whatever they can to adjust to me.

Oh, not to mention that I'm a harmless stalker. Yup, I stalk my crushes. My first crush that I stalked was my Australian schoolmate way back fifth grade. When high school came I stalked the lead vocal of my favorite American rock band online 'coz I have a huge crush on him. LOL. When college came I stalked a Chinito crush of mine who looks like a Japanese Animation Character on a social networking site and semi-stalked him inside the school campus. Also way back college I stalked a campus mate who looks like the boy who lived the book cover version that I had a crush on inside the school campus. LOL. Damn, look how freaky can I get. LOL.

I don't know why I just like looking at them even from afar and knowing some little trivia about them via stalking. When I went to graduate school I stalked a Turkish crush of mine on a social networking site. Well, I don't have a new crush as of the moment and it seems like it's time for me to put an end to my stalking career. LOL. Please don't get me wrong but it seems like stalking my crushes is a form of entertainment on my part. It's like I do get entertained when I stalk them. It's like my crushes are celebrities and I'm their number one fan. Hmm, something like that. LOL.

I guess it's safe to say that I never fell in love with a boy my whole damn life. I mean, if you ask me I think “love” is the most abused word of all time. Saying you love someone isn't like saying “Hello” and “Goodbye”. I like my crushes but I don't love them. Well, what I feel for my crushes is just some sort of severe infatuation that is most often mistaken as love. Hmm, why am I talking about my crushes? Well, maybe 'coz I find it an interesting topic to talk about. LOL. Hmm, now I'm having second thoughts if do I really find this topic interesting. Well, maybe my younger self will find this one interesting. It's just that I'm older now so this topic is just a so-and-so topic for me or something. I don't even know why I'm talking about this stuff when I'm supposed to talk about my dream to one day write a page-turner to begin with. I don't know with me. Well, I just hope my readers will find this topic interesting if I ever do have readers in the first place. LOL.

Oh, I have a thing for mestizo guys especially those who are white, tall, and skinny. By the way, I think I'm gonna be an old maiden. I mean, I'm not the marrying type and all that. Well, I think it's a blessing to have a child and start a family. It's just that as the way things look right now I'm not ever gonna have my own child in my whole damn life. I mean, I don't want the whole universe to end. LOL. It seems like I'm not really that ready for such kind of responsibility and all that.

I'm happy being single and I love being single. Well, maybe 'coz at this point in my life I'm not ready to commit into anything. I mean, being in a relationship isn't just about love. It's also about trust, loyalty, faithfulness, commitment, and what not. Oh, look who's talking. LOL. Well, I just read or heard that somewhere and I'm thinking that does make some sense, right? Oh, not to mention that a deep kind of friendship is sure to be a firm foundation. Hmm, makes sense. LOL.

I'm sorry if here I go flipping the pages of the past for no damn reason all over again. It's just that there's really nothing new to talk about. I guess it's okay to have a crush on someone. I mean, it's just a crush anyway. LOL. I don't know what's going on in my crushes' lives these days. I mean, it's been ages since I last stalked them in any way possible. LOL. Yeah, it seems like these days are the dark ages of my stalking career, huh? LOL. Well, it's okay. I don't mind. LOL.

Well, my crush feeling for my crushes isn't that strong anymore. I don't know why. My latest crush is that Turkish guy I met on a social networking site back then and I never had a strong crush feeling on any other guy since then. I had my first crush when I was eight. Hmm, I don't think that's that early. I may have a crush on a few handsome men but I hate boys in general especially those jerks who never grew up. I don't wanna have anything to do with those jerks and they better go to hell. Hey, I'm not allowing those jerks to ruin this blog entry so why won't I go back talking about my crushes. I guess that will make the whole damn world a better place to live in. LOL. Hmm, I wonder what my crushes are up to these days. It's just that I don't feel like stalking them on social networking sites anymore. I don't know why. Well, maybe 'coz it's time for me to outgrow and put an end to my stalking career from now on or something. LOL.

Blog Worthy

I'm trying my damn best not to be a prisoner of the past sounding like a broken record. Well, problem is there's nothing much going on in my life at present so you can't blame me if there are times when I go flipping the pages of the past for no damn reason. LOL. So what am I up to these days? Hmm, why won't I say I'm make-believing that I'm working as an amateur writer here online. Well, at least here I am living one of my many frustrations even just inside the four walls of my room, right? It's just that it's not as easy as one-two-three, mind you.

I mean, it's slowly sinking in me that it's quite a challenge to come up with an interesting blog worthy topic considering that I'm such a boring person living such a super boring life. It's just that I'd rather have nothing to write about than go through some mental and emotional torture all over again or shall I say I don't want my psychotic mind to drop by town in the following seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, years, and 'til the end of time. Yup, I'm still under medication. I take an anti-psychotic and a mood stabilizer both once a day and it seems like both are working pretty well these days though I still hope I can do away with the medicines someday.

I guess it's safe to say that God gave me about three years to satisfy two of my strongest frustrations even just inside the four walls of my room. I was able to come up with a twelve-song-acapella-record-album that I named “It's a Mess” to satisfy my dream as a frustrated singer songwriter and I was able to come up with a free-flowing-random-thoughts-book that I named “Behind the Mask” to satisfy my dream as a frustrated writer. Well, at least I was able to live my dreams even just inside the four walls of my room, right? It's just that it seems like God has no plans of giving me anything more than that. Well, as they say “God can see the future that's why there are prayers left unanswered.”. So I guess it's time for me to wake up from my dreamland and face the real world out there, huh? Yeah, right. As if that's as easy as one-two-three.

I guess it doesn't matter who I was back then 'coz what matters more is who I am now and who I choose to be. I'm not perfect. I'm not a saint. I'm only human. I got my own monsters. I daydream more than I think and there's still so much more that I want to do in my bucket list. My past made me who I am now and I guess it's much better for me to be thankful for it. I'm already in my mid-twenties and I'm still clueless on what to do with my damn life in the real world. I guess the best thing for me to do for now is to take it one day at a time and live each day to the fullest.

I believe that God wrote the best book for me even before I was born. I'm praying and hoping that one day the right path will just dawn on me and by that time I'll be brave enough to take it. Well, I got my own dreams. It's just that I don't have what it takes to make those dreams come true. So those dreams turned into frustrations that I tried to live even just inside the four walls of my room. Yeah, what a good way to make a fool out of myself, huh? LOL. It's just that it seems like I finally need to come into my senses and realize that those dreams are really going nowhere and there's no point for me to push any further at this point in my life which is totally heartbreaking.

Well, I can give up all my other frustrations except writing. Writing is a need and a want for me. Writing is like a therapy. Writing is what keeps me sane when I'm an inch away from insanity. I remember a song I wrote “Sand Castles” 'coz there are lines in that song that go like “I don't know where this song is going. All I know is I'll keep on writing. I know sometimes it doesn't make any sense at all.” I prefer to type my thoughts down than have it handwritten. Well, maybe 'coz I don't like my handwriting. Hmm, problem is my baby is sick so it seems like I won't be able to keep on typing my thoughts down any longer and have my thoughts handwritten instead. By the way, by browsing through my old notebooks I realized that my handwriting changes from time to time. Well, don't bother asking why 'coz I'm not saying the answer I have in mind. LOL.

I guess the best thing for me to do is to be happy with and make the most of what I have and stop wanting what I don't have. By the way, my hair is not straight. I got a wavy one. I'm not fond of combing it. I like it messy. LOL. I don't know with me. I had thoughts of coloring my hair dark brownish red. It's just that I realized that I like my hair better when it's black so I dropped the idea. Hmm, why am I talking about my hair? Well, I don't know with me. I guess the best thing for me to do is to pull myself back together and bring back the self-confidence I lost since I had this disorder. It seems like having my baby sick is a sign and a wake up call from God saying that it's time for me to outgrow my frustrations and face the real world out there. Hmm, makes sense.