The Dream Lives On

I'm still running fifty-seven percent done in reading this Fantasy book series I'm reading these days and if you are witty enough then you most probably have figured out what book series it is by now. Well, I don't wanna keep on babbling about this Fantasy book series I'm reading these days so why won't I talk of something else. Hmm, like what? Well, I don't really know. You know what? There are times when I read some of my previous blog posts I can't help ending up asking myself if was I really the one who wrote those stuffs. Well, I don't know why. Whatever.

Oh, after ages I finally remembered to research about interesting blog topics the last time I went online. Well, I browsed through the suggested topics and honestly it's not helping at all. Hmm, I'm just thinking of researching about interesting blog topics 'coz I have this funny feeling that my readers if I ever do have some are most probably sick and tired of me babbling about my dreams or shall I say my frustrations and how I'm living those even just inside the four walls of my room.

By the way, when I went channel surfing on television one afternoon I stopped and watched at a station airing an interview with the one and only Queen of Telenovelas on Earth. Well, it's quite obvious that you don't need a clue to figure that out but for those who are clueless about who this gorgeous lady is then the only clue I can give you is she is Mexican. Hmm, I guess that clue will do. Damn, she's still beautiful as ever. I mean, she even looks younger these days. Yeah, right. Hmm, talk about another vampire, huh? Damn, I wonder what's the secret to being a vampire.

So after watching her interview if I'm not mistaken I turned the television off 'coz as I've said I have grown to dislike watching the television since I had this disorder I have. By the way, the last time I went online via web I dropped by my lyric video for my song “A Broken Record” to check how many are its views then I also read the comment again only to realize that I remembered it the wrong way. I mean, I wrote in my previous post that the comment says “This song both hurts my brain and my soul.” 'coz that's how I remembered it but when I read the comment again it says “This song hurts both my brain and my soul.”. Well, it still means the same thing, right?

Hmm, so what else am I gonna talk about aside from my thoughts and my feelings and anything nonsense in between? Well, I don't really know. You know what? Nobody has ever left a comment here on my blog. I mean, I'd really appreciate some comments or something. Well, both constructive and not-so-constructive comments. LOL. I mean, maybe I wanna learn how to deal with criticisms or something. Well, I'm talking about criticisms in a civilized manner. I mean, if you can catch my drift. Damn, I wonder if someone really read any of my posts or something.

Oh, I have been drinking too much coffee lately. Hmm, an average of three cups a day which is quite alarming. On second thought it's white coffee anyway so I guess it's not much of a big deal. Hmm, I think so. LOL. Well, I just thought of mentioning that one in this blog draft and now that I have mentioned it then why don't I talk about something else. By the way, I'm still dreaming to write a book but all I can do for now is to keep on updating a blog. Hmm, there's nothing much interesting going on in my life right now aside from dropping by a whole new world from time to time as I go on reading this Fantasy book series I'm reading these days. I'm thinking of researching for literary agents. Damn, why am I thinking about literary agents when I have not written a book yet? Damn it. LOL. Well, if self-publishing is an option then I don't have a single penny in my pocket to self-publish. Hmm, I guess the best thing to do before worrying about those stuffs is to write a book first, right? Yeah, I thought so. So the dream still lives on, huh?

End of the Story

I'm twenty-nine percent running forty-three percent done reading this book series I'm reading these days. Well, as I went on reading I noticed more and more differences between the book version and the movie version. Oh, not to mention that back then there were some fanatics who said that one won't be able to understand the movie if one has not read the book. As for me, I won't be able to picture out the book if I wasn't able to watch the movie first. LOL. Whatever.

Well, I'm still not over that sensitive topic I mentioned in my previous post. It's just that I'm not talking about it here on my blog. I mean, it's for the best of everyone. LOL. Hey, an idea just popped out of my head. Well, what if I write about this sensitive topic playing in my head these days with pen and paper then I roll the paper where I wrote what I wrote then place it inside a bottle then let it float in the ocean? Hmm, or tie the precious paper to a string of a balloon and let it fly to the sky? Damn, here I go with wild ideas all over again, huh? Well, forget about it. LOL.

Oh, the last time I went online I dropped by a video sharing website and watched the latest music videos of the Punk Princess and the Mother Monster. Well, I'd rather not say anything 'coz the Punk Princess' Little Black Stars and the Mother Monster's Little Monsters might strangle me. LOL. On second thought all I can say is it seems like both are experimenting this time and going through an artistic journey. Well, we live in a generation of open-minded people so I think such is not such a big deal. I mean, if you know what I mean. LOL. So I'm shutting my mouth up. LOL.

Oh, I'm running forty-three percent done in reading this book series that I'm reading these days and I just can't wait to get to the end of the story. Well, I have seen the movie and I know how the story will end. It's just that I wanna know how the ending was written in the book. Hmm, I'm thinking it's much better for me to not get too over-excited. I mean, there's fifty-seven percent more to go which is a lot of reading. I guess the best thing to do is to take my time. I mean, I have seen the movie version and let's just say having the chance to read the book version is a bonus.

On second thought, it's not really a bonus. I mean, I always wanted to have my own copy of the complete book series back then and read every single book from the very first chapter of the first book to the very last chapter of the last book. Well, this is like a dream come true or something. Hmm, sort of. LOL. I guess I better thank that someone who made having a copy of the book series possible. Well, I'm not disclosing who that someone is. It's top secret. LOL. Hmm, I guess that someone just gave me an early Christmas present, huh? Well, I'll forever be thankful for it.

Oh, speaking of Christmas present. I mean, my lyric video for my song “A Broken Record” that I uploaded on my video sharing website's channel carrying my official pen name “Adeline Chrystyn” has reached another milestone on the video sharing website where I uploaded it. I'm still wishing for a thousand views though or make it a million. LOL. Oh, this coming September it will officially be the start of the Christmas season in this country where I live in. Damn, just look at how time flies. Hey, I wonder if there will come a time when countries near the equator will also have four seasons in a year namely Winter, Spring, Summer, and Autumn. Damn, what will it be like to see some snow? Well, I don't really know. I'm thinking my favorite season is Spring. Hmm, make a wild guess why. LOL. Oh, the Punk Princess will be celebrating her birthday by the 27^th of September. She's running twenty-nine if my Math serves me right and she still looks like a teenager to me. Damn, I wonder what's the secret to being a vampire. Oh, speaking of forever young I decided to give a clue on what is this book series I'm reading these days if you still have not figured it out by now after all the accidental clues I have given so far. LOL. Well, here's the clue. I mean, the fourteen percent of the book series is somehow related to wanting to be immortal. Hmm, I guess so. LOL. Well, I don't really know. Hmm, whatever. LOL.

Playing with One's Imagination

While reading this book series that I'm reading these days I feel like I'm living in a whole new world. LOL. Hmm, I wonder if such world is really in existence. Damn, here I go being a tween all over again. You know what? There are times when I wish that I was part of the movie version of the book series. I mean, being an extra will do as long as I'll be able to be in the set and all that. Well, if you talk about wearing the costumes on Halloween then damn I'm too old for that. LOL.

I don't know why these days some people found a way of making witches, wizards, vampires, werewolves, and what not lovable when such creatures were somehow making some kids let's say pee in their pants even by the mere thought of such creatures. Well, look at most kids now. I mean, it seems like they got over their fear and ended up being such a fanatic. You know what? I'm wondering if witches, wizards, vampires, werewolves, and what not really exist and this fantasy creatures invasion is part of their aim to one day be accepted in the society we all live in.

Damn, I wonder if there's such thing as magic. You know what? I have read some books with magic as the main theme. I have a copy of those books here with me. Hmm, remember me saying that I don't feel like reading those books all over again 'coz I got a funny feeling about it? Well, it has something to do with magic. I mean, I have this funny feeling that someone cast a spell on the books or something and all that. Oh, don't ask me what kind of spell 'coz I don't have any idea.

Hmm, so here I go with my imaginative mind all over again, huh? Well, what can you expect from someone who is not so in touch with reality like me? LOL. Oh, I remember something. Well, in other countries they are making vampires look sophisticated or what making a fanatic wanting to be one. LOL. It's just that here in the country where I live in they are making vampires look like monsters making anyone out there wishing not to bump into one. Well, I guess that's just one of the many differences of western and eastern countries. Hmm, I guess so. Damn it.

Oh, it's the same thing with witches and wizards. I mean, in some countries they look sophisticated just like in the movie version of a book series making kids and kids at heart wanting to be one. It's just that in some countries witches and wizards are feared by many 'coz they imagine them to be creepy looking creatures giving the impression that most of them use dark magic. Oh, which reminds me that when I dropped by a secondhand bookshop a few years ago I spotted a book about witchcraft displayed behind the glass wall of the shop. Well, never mind.

Hey, I remember the summer before college I ended up thinking of writing a story about vampires. Well, in the story it's the vampires who live in the normal world and it's the humans who are said to be fantasy creatures. Hmm, quite the up-side-down of reality or something. So to continue I thought of a scene when there's a vampire who went into a bathroom and a few seconds after came running outside the bathroom screaming “Human! Human! Human in the bathroom! Human with Garlic in the bathroom!” and then everyone went screaming as they went running as far as they could from the bathroom where there was a sight of a human with garlic. Hmm, I find that funny. LOL. Well, which makes me wonder if there's another planet out there in the whole universe where witches, wizards, vampires, and werewolves are living. Oh, now I'm thinking about reincarnation. Well, I'm wondering what if when a person dies before going to hell, purgatory, or heaven the soul of that deceased person is asked to choose whether one wants to be reincarnated or not. If that person says one wants to be reincarnated that deceased person is asked to choose in which world one wants to be in in one's next life and one of the choices is to live in the world of witches, wizards, vampires, and never mind werewolves 'coz I'm not really a fan of werewolves. LOL. Hmm, so here I go with my wild imagination all over again, huh? LOL.

Talk About a Sensitive Topic

You know what? A sensitive topic is playing in my head these days. Well, I wrote a paragraph about it with pen and paper just to get over it and somehow writing about it made me feel a whole lot better. It's just that I don't think writing a whole blog entry about this sensitive topic I'm talking about and posting it here on my blog is such a good idea. I guess I'd like to leave things a mystery after all I'm “Mysterious Girl”, remember? Well, what the heck? LOL. Hmm, whatever.

So why won't I talk about something else? Hmm, so what am I gonna talk about? Well, I don't really know. Oh, now I'm thinking keeping this sensitive topic playing in my head a mystery may end up making other people come up with possibilities on what this sensitive topic might be with their wild imagination which is quite annoying. I mean, it doesn't mean that I'm keeping a blog online I'm gonna blab everything here. I guess there are things in life that are best to be kept to one's self like this sensitive topic playing in my head these days. Well, I guess so. Damn it. LOL.

By the way, a few days ago I got the chance to watch the Princess of Pop's concert in Las Vegas again that took place if I'm not mistaken on the same year her home country had a terrorist attack. Well, if you ask me I can honestly say that that was the best concert I have ever seen in my whole damn life. I mean, if you ask me based on that Princess of Pop's concert in Las Vegas that I'm talking about I can honestly say that the Princess of Pop is the best performer of this generation. Hmm, so I guess I won't add anything more to that 'coz the Princess of Pop's Army might strangle me by saying what I'm about to say. Well, on second thought I'll write it down anyway. I mean, what I want to say is everything changed since she got married and had her two sons. Well, if you know what I mean. Oops! I hope the Princess of Pop's Army will forgive me for what I just wrote. LOL. So might as well just enjoy the music 'coz I'm still a fan though and forever will be.

Hey, I'm wondering why is it that most female music artists end up re-inventing themselves just to survive the mainstream music industry. I mean, take the Punk Princess as a sample. I'm wondering if the Punk Princess didn't change her image will she survive this long in the mainstream music industry. Well, I hope the Punk Princess' Little Black Stars won't strangle me for wondering this way about the Punk Princess. Damn, I wonder what's the secret to being a vampire. LOL. So might as well just enjoy the music 'coz I'm still a fan though and forever will be. I mean, it were the Princess of Pop and the Punk Princess who inspired me to be a singer songwriter someday. It's just that I don't have that “It” they have whatever that “It” is that they are talking about. Well, as they say one just can't get everything one wants. LOL. Well, whatever.

By the way, I'm thinking of coming up with a final “It's a Mess by Adeline Chrystyn”. Hmm, so far I have three songs which are “Can't Tell You”, “Scream”, and “A Broken Record” which means I have nine more songs to go to complete the whole record. It's just that this time around I'm wishing of making the record acoustic. Well, problem is I don't have a single penny in my pocket to buy myself a guitar. Hmm, so I guess this is another downside of being unemployed, huh? Well, I'm thinking if I can't make it in the mainstream music industry then why not give being an independent music artist a try. Hmm, I don't really know. Hey, I'm thinking of joining a singing workshop. I mean, what if joining a singing workshop can be my stepping stone to having a real studio record album? It's just that I don't think it's a good idea 'coz joining a singing workshop is just for kids in this youth worshiping society we all live in. Or maybe why won't I go and research for singing workshops without an age limit? Hmm, that sounds like a good idea.

Don't Talk to Strangers

If I'm not mistaken in one of my previous blog posts I mentioned that way back the early years of college I ended up joining a text clan and that I can no longer remember how that happened. Well, I went texting a lot those days to complete strangers 'coz I was so damn bored with life and I felt like playing. LOL. I mean, you can't blame me considering the fact that I took a very boring course for college. Well, good thing is I never agreed to meet those complete strangers in person. I mean, I'm not that stupid. LOL. Hmm, they don't know me in person anyway so what the heck.

So a few days ago I came to wonder with the rise of social networking sites for the past years do text clans still exist in the country today. Well, to answer that question I googled “text clan” on a social networking site via mobile a few days ago and in fairness results did popped out and then I went joining two text clan groups on that social networking site. Hmm, I think there's no harm in joining those groups anyway not to mention that I can also have the chance to promote my songs or blogs in those social networking groups. By the way, my request to join those two text clan groups on a social networking site were accepted. Hmm, so I guess it's time to do some self-promotion, huh? Well, there were still some groups that didn't accept my request to join them.

When I checked out my news feed a few hours before writing this blog post I read a post by a member of one of the text clan groups I joined recruiting people to join a text clan and giving instructions on how to join the said clan. Well, the good thing about that text clan that text clan recruiter is talking about is it's a wholesome text clan where maniacs are not allowed. Hmm, honestly I'm so bored with life these days that there's a part of me who wants to go texting and chatting to complete strangers all over again. Well, there's no harm in it 'coz I'll never agree for an eyeball or a meet-up or whatever you call it. LOL. I guess I just feel like talking to someone. LOL. Or shall I say I just feel like playing around all over again. LOL. Damn, just take a good look how pathetic can I get. Well, a part of me says it's wrong so I guess I better drop the idea.

Hmm, so you are asking why talk to complete strangers when there are people I know in person that I can possibly talk to. Well, the answer to that is when I'm talking to a complete stranger I can play around, come up with a new identity, and what not. It's like being 22_f_universe when I'm really 25_f_earth. Hmm, something like that. I mean, whereas if I'm talking to someone who knows me in person I can't dive into a new identity I just came up with out of the blue 'coz that would mean fooling that other person who knows me in person and I don't want that. Hmm, do you get me or is my grammar getting more and more confusing by the minute? Well, damn it.

Honestly, whenever I think about those textmates I had way back the early years of college I can't help feel sorry for them 'coz it seems like they were victims of me who ended up fooling around while texting to them due to severe boredom. I mean, there was even a point when I came to ask myself if am I such a bad person to do that to those textmates who happen to be complete strangers. Well, all I know is I'm not a bad person. LOL. I mean, I'm just someone super bored with my super boring life. LOL. So I'm having thoughts of joining a text clan all over again and this time around it's not to fool around or something. I'm thinking of making a text clan a marketing tool for me to promote my songs and blogs. Hmm, I think that's not such a bad idea. LOL. Oh, look at the bright side. I mean, it seems like I was able to learn something from that business-related course I took for college. LOL. Damn, I wonder if I wasn't that all too bookish as a student back then. By the way, I googled on a search engine how to join writing workshops here in town and it's too bad my research led me to nowhere. LOL. Well, never mind. LOL. Damn it.

Right Track Still Unknown

Hmm, I wonder if the lyric video of my song “A Broken Record” that I uploaded on my video sharing website's channel carrying my official pen name “Adeline Chrystyn” has reached another milestone on the video sharing website where I uploaded it. Well, I don't really know and I don't know when will I ever find out. LOL. Oh, nothing much has changed 'coz I'm still clueless on which path to take in the real world everybody knows. Well, it's either I'll go back job hunting or go back to school. Damn, why can't I just start earning my own dough by writing in the real world everybody knows or something. I guess that will make the whole damn world a better place to live in. LOL. It's just that it seems like such is likely an inch away from impossible. Damn it.

Hey, I'm thinking of not religiously updating my blog in the coming days. I mean, if I do the Math it seems like I'm spending too much on internet load since I began carrying my pen name “Adeline Chrystyn” online without earning anything out of it. Well, I'm thinking it was just some sort of adrenaline rush last July that's why I was able to write a lot during my birthday month. Oh, I'm still thinking of coming up with artworks here at home and selling those online. I mean, it seems like the only clear talent God gave me is my talent to make drawings. Well, I guess so.

Well, problem is it's been ages since I made a drawing and it seems like my talent to make drawings is now a bit rusty or something so I guess it's much better for me to go and give some time to polish my talent in making drawings from now on or what. Hmm, another problem is I literally don't have a single penny in my pocket to buy myself a sketchpad, some pencils, and some coloring materials. Damn, I don't know why I'm so into art may it be the art of making drawings, the art of writing and singing songs, and the art of making literary masterpieces. I mean, if I'm not mistaken both my parents are not into arts 'coz both of them are more inclined to business. LOL. Well, I don't consider myself as an artist. I'm just an artist-wanna-be. LOL.

I wonder what would it be like if I took a course related to arts for college. I'm wondering if will I still have this disorder I have now. Well, I don't really know and I guess there's no point for me to think too much about it. I mean, I don't wanna waste too much time and energy on regrets anymore. I guess the best thing for me to do is to look at the bright side or something. Well, I guess that's where my fear of failure took me and I guess the best thing to do is to learn from it.

I remember my song “Sand Castles” 'coz there are lines in that song that go something like “I don't know where this song is going. All I know is I'll keep on writing. I know sometimes it doesn't make any sense at all.” Damn, I really like my twelve-song-acapella-record-album “It's a Mess”. I consider “It's a Mess” as my greatest achievement in life so far. LOL. Well, problem is I don't know when will I ever be able to come up with another “It's a Mess”. Well, who knows?

I feel like I don't belong in the corporate world. I feel like I don't have the brains and the heart to be a teacher. Oh, I'm thinking of joining a writing workshop one of these days. Well, I don't know when but hopefully soon. Hmm, as they say there's no such thing as an overnight success. Hey, I have been dreaming to be a writer since I was eight and I have been dreaming to be a singer songwriter since I was eleven. It's just that I knew how to draw since the day I learned how to hold a pencil. Now, I guess that's the big difference. Hmm, I don't know if artists are born or made and I don't know which one am I. I'm thinking what's left for me to do right now is to make a choice, right? It's choosing to be normal in this normal world I live in or is it choosing to challenge the impossible. What if I'll choose to challenge the impossible? Well, I don't know.

On second thought, I guess it's much better for me to be satisfied with living my dream as a frustrated singer songwriter on a video sharing website and living my dream as a frustrated writer on a blog site. I guess that will make the whole damn world a better place to live in. If I'm not mistaken in my blog post “Unwanted” I wrote “in an confusing way” instead of “in a confusing way”. I mean, it's supposed to be “a” and not “an”. Well, a part of me wants to change and correct that mistake. It's just that there's also a part of me who wants to leave it as it is. I don't know with me. Well, I guess it's not the only mistake I made in this blog or something so no worries. LOL.

Quarter of a Century

I just celebrated my 25^th Birthday last July 17 and I'm thankful to God that I was able to survive life for a quarter of a century though there were times when I prayed that I was never born into this world. LOL. Oh, when it comes to the lyric video of my song “A Broken Record” that I uploaded on my video sharing website's channel carrying my official pen name “Adeline Chrystyn” I asked for a thousand views as a birthday gift but I was only given roughly a hundred views. LOL. Well, at least it somehow reached ten percent of what I asked for. LOL. Okay, so so much about doing the Math 'coz I'm not really that good in Mathematics. Hmm, the only thing I'm good at in Math is coming up with patterns. LOL. So what else am I gonna talk about? LOL.

Oh, my younger sister's gift for me is a cake from her favorite cakes and pastries shop. Well, in fairness the cake tastes good. I mean, when it comes to my sister and me I think it's my sister who has a good taste in making choices. LOL. Hmm, I received birthday greetings in person, through text message, and social networking sites. Oh, I also went online on my birthday to for the last time promote my lyric video for “A Broken Record” as a birthday gift on a social networking site. Well, since my birthday is over then instead of asking a thousand views as a birthday gift I'm gonna go and still ask for a thousand views but this time around as a Christmas gift. LOL.

Hey, I just realized that I have something in common with two of my favorite celebrities. I mean, my favorite french-fil celebrity was born on a July and I was born on a July and my favorite fil-aussie celebrity was born on a 17^th and I was born on a 17^th. Well, nothing much. I just felt like sharing that one. LOL. Oh, I just stayed the whole day at home on my birthday. So what else am I gonna talk about? Hey, it seems like I'm a bit improving in writing fresh thoughts these days, huh? Oh, I didn't start writing a diary on my birthday. Hmm, I'm thinking maybe I'll only end up playing with words which is not good so I decided to drop the idea. On second thought I think it will be nice to document my life from now on or something. Well, I don't really know. LOL.

Oh, not to mention that my hair is still messy. It's just that I'm not that rich to have it fixed in a salon. LOL. Hmm, so here I go going off topic all over again, huh? Well, I don't know with me. Hey, I'm supposed to talk about being quarter of a century old in this whole damn world or something. LOL. Oh, there's an annual nationwide songwriting competition here in this country where I live in and a part of me feels like joining the next year's competition. It's just that I guess I better just drop the idea. I mean, I don't have the “It” that they are looking for whatever that “It” is. Well, on second thought why won't I give it a try and see what happens. I mean, joining the songwriting competition can be a stepping stone for me who is aspiring to be a singer songwriter someday. Oh, there were some people in a social networking site who made a comment to the link of “A Broken Record” that I posted. Hmm, they were saying that I do have a talent in writing lyrics and they advised me to collaborate with some musicians to bring my songs to life or what.

Hmm, that sounds like a good idea. It's just that I'm not that rich to collaborate with musicians. I mean, I need to have a budget for their talent fees or something. Well, why won't I just save up some dough and buy myself a guitar or something? Hmm, I don't really know. Oh, not to mention that if I really want to make my song sound at its best then the best thing to do is to record it in a recording studio. Hey, I'm not that rich to rent a recording studio or something. Damn, I'm nothing compared to the professionals out there so why won't I just drop the idea and move on. I mean, if I was really meant to be in the mainstream music industry then it should have happened maybe during my teenage years or something. It's just that I'm 25 now and I'm too old to dream as a singer songwriter in this youth worshiping society we all live in. Yeah, what a sad reality.

Prisoner of the Past

I read everything I posted so far on my blog “Mysterious Girl” by Adeline Chrystyn only to end up realizing that here I go being such a prisoner of the past sounding like a broken record all over again. Well, if one will ask me if writing about the past a means of letting go or holding on then I'll most probably go with it's part of letting go. Hmm, all in all I'm quite satisfied with how my blog is so far and I hope my psychotic mind won't drop by 'til the end of time to go and spoil everything. Damn, is it too much to ask? Well, I'm still under medication these days. I take an anti-psychotic and a mood stabilizer both once a day though I still pray and hope that I can do away with the medicines someday. I mean, it's not a joke to have this disorder I have, mind you.

You know what? I'm thinking this time around why won't I go and polish my skill in making artworks instead. I mean, I really have this funny feeling that I'm unemployable. Well, to think I think it's not a bad idea to come up with artworks here at home and sell those online. Hmm, the question is will somebody out there go appreciate my works of art. Well, I spent the past more or less three and a half years polishing my writing, songwriting, and singing skills and still nothing happened. Hmm, yes I was able to live my frustrations inside the four walls of my room but not in the real world everybody knows. Well, to think there's no such thing as an overnight success.

Damn, I don't know why I'm still pushing for my my dreams that are definitely going nowhere. Oh, remember my birthday wish which is to have a thousand views for the lyric video of my song “A Broken Record” that I uploaded on a video sharing website? Hmm, I don't think that wish will come true on or before my birthday. Damn, I really want a guitar and turn my twelve-song-acapella-record-album “It's a Mess” into a twelve-song-acoustic-record-album. I mean, is it too much to ask? Hmm, I'll only believe that there's nothing impossible in this world when the lyric video of my song “A Broken Record” will get a million views on the video sharing website where I uploaded it and the deadline will be on my next birthday. Damn, is it too much to ask? LOL.

Well, in this normal world where I live in the normal thing for a college graduate to do after graduation is to look for a job related to the course one graduated in. So in my case the normal thing for me to do in this normal world where I live in is to go job hunting as an office staff in a company or something. It's just that one day I heard that in this country where I live in there's a matching conflict between the supply of workers and demand of employers. I mean, it's like the supply of workers isn't what the employers are looking for. Do you get me? Well, never mind.

Okay, I'll give a sample. It's like the employers are dominantly looking for ESL Teachers and most of the latest graduates are nurses so there's a mismatch between the demand and supply or something. Do you get me? I'm sorry. I mean, I'm not really that good when it comes to explaining stuffs like these. Hmm, so to continue there's a possibility that a nursing graduate will end up in a job not related to nursing like being a call center agent or ESL Teacher perhaps.

Damn, why am I talking about this stuff when I'm supposed to be talking about me being such a prisoner of the past sounding like a broken record? Oh, I took a business-related course. Well, that was what my parents suggested and they were the one spending for my education so I just went with the flow. Hmm, not to mention that I don't really know what to do in life back then so I just went with what course in college my parents think is best for me. I mean, I'm thinking if I took a course related to arts back then my parents won't be willing to spend for it at that time. Well, the goal was to be able to get a college diploma anyway so I didn't care much on what course am I gonna take as long as I'll be able to get a diploma in college. I mean, maybe I was thinking after graduating, finding and landing a job, and me starting to earn my own dough then I can already do what that is that I really want to do in life. Hmm, something like that. Never mind.

Well, on second thought I'm thinking that God somehow gave me signs on what path to take the summer before college. I mean, during the summer before college I was able to come up with a collage which I consider as one of the best artworks I did in my whole damn life. I just cut images from magazines and with the help of paste, glue, and double-sided tapes I went assembling those images on an illustration board until I was able to come up with a collage. Hmm, makes me think that I should have taken Fine Arts back then. LOL. Also during the summer before college my uncle made me borrow his laptop and then I went writing a script about teenage problems and how they were able to solve those with the help of their high school counselor. Hmm, makes me think it may be a sign that I should have taken Writing or Psychology back then. LOL.

It's just that for a sixteen year old who doesn't really know what she wants to do in the real world everybody knows I'm thinking maybe I was thinking that the best thing to do is to listen to one's parents. LOL. Well, I do regret that I took that business-related course way back college. I felt like I wasted too much time, effort, and money on something that I'm not really interested in. Well, I got good grades 'coz I do study my lessons. I mean, it's common sense. Well, I read in a book one time that whenever a student finds a certain subject difficult then a student naturally comes up with a strategy to pass that certain subject. In my case, I ended up relying too much on the reviewers until one day I realized that I just ended up doing a pattern of the solutions and I wasn't really able to understand the theory behind the answers. Hmm, that's the sad reality.

Well, it's my problem in the end anyway 'coz it's me who wasn't able to understand anything. Hmm, when it comes to getting high grades all the teachers do is compute the grades their students give them anyway so it's not much of a big deal. I mean, I was able to get good grades during class exams so I was able to pass the subjects. Hey, the time and effort I gave to pass my college subjects wasn't easy, mind you. I mean, step one I do read the assigned chapter and then step two I tried to answer the problems in the reviewers on my own and more often I don't arrive at the correct answer and when that happens I look at the solutions to those problems where I went wrong and tried to figure it out. So that's how I studied way back college. Damn it. LOL.

Damn, why am I talking about this stuff? Well, maybe 'coz I still regret that I wasted four years of my life on something that I'm not a bit interested in. Oh, not to mention the effort and money that came with that. Well, I don't know what I want in life up until now so maybe that's why I just went with what my parents think is best for me back then. Well, nobody knows my strategy why I passed my college subjects back then. I mean, maybe everyone thought I really was able to understand the lessons that's why I had good grades which is quite an overstatement. LOL. Well, there's no one to blame but me 'coz it was me who made the final decision to go with what my parents think is best for me. I survived the first three years of college with flying colors until I realized that I'm wasting too much time, effort, and money on something that I'm not a bit interested in. Damn, there's no point to regret anymore. I mean, it's been so long since then.

Well, look at the bright side. I mean, because of this disorder I have I found the courage to face my fears and try to live some of my strongest frustrations even just inside the four walls of my room. Hmm, maybe everything that happened was part of God's plan. Well, I don't really know what His plan for me is from now on. Hmm, maybe being the next bestselling author perhaps or the next bestselling recording artist or something. LOL. Yeah, right. It's like in my wildest dreams. Well, I tried to go job hunting online. It's just that nothing happened. Hmm, maybe I'm way pass the age limit in this youth worshiping society or something. Now I came to think being a writer, singer songwriter, artist, and what not has no age limit, right? I mean, as long as you have the “It” then you're good to go. It's just that I don't know if I have that “It” that they are talking about whatever that “It” is. LOL. Hmm, so who is in for a total make-over? Damn, what am I saying? LOL.

Scribble and Scratch It Down

I wrote a lot before this blog and I'm thinking if someone else was ever able to read what I wrote back then that person will most probably say something like “What a stupid and uneducated bitch is the one who wrote this shit.” LOL. I wrote most of what I wrote back when my disorder was at its worst in handwritten but there were some that I ended up posting on a blog 'coz I felt like screaming it to the whole world or something to make myself feel better. It's just that those stuffs I wrote were only about two percent of the real thing. LOL. It was just the tip of the iceberg.

It's just that I forgot whatever that was I wrote back then. I mean, I threw all those papers away and those papers are most probably in a dump site by now. I also deleted those blog posts after some time. I wonder what was that I wrote. Hmm, I forgot. LOL. I mean, I don't have my own copy of my literary masterpieces when my disorder was at its worst anymore. Hmm, it seems interesting to get the chance to read what I wrote back then again. It's just that I don't think that's possible 'coz I threw everything I wrote back then in the trash where it belongs. I mean, it was a stupid and uneducated bitch who wrote that shit anyway. LOL. Well, I was so disturbed back then so I guess what I wrote were most probably insane and out of this world stuffs or what.

I wonder if is it possible to read someone else's mind. Hmm, won't that be interesting? It's just that I'll most probably go out of my mind if God will give me the gift of mind reading. I wonder if someone out there can read my mind. Hmm, won't that be awful? Oh, not to mention that the mere thought of it can be so annoying. Well, if someone out there can read my mind I think that person will most probably end up going out of one's mind in the process. LOL.

I guess my dreams will remain as dreams forever 'coz I don't have what it takes to make those dreams come true. Oh, I remember my song “Sand Castles” 'coz there's a line in that song that goes something like “I go curling on my bed drifting into dreamland for a while.” Well, this kind of head God gave me may be a blessing at times but there are also times when this kind of head God gave me turns into a curse. All I know is I don't wanna go through some mental and emotional torture anymore or shall I say I don't want my psychotic mind to drop by 'til the end of time. I mean, it's not a joke or a laughing matter to go out of one's mind, mind you.

I'm thinking twice if I'll post photos here on my blog or what. Well, there are photo sharing websites whenever I wanna share some photos anyway so I guess it's much better for me to drop the idea. Well, not to mention that I don't really have that much photos to share. Well, I do have photos from way back memory lane. It's just that problem is we don't have a scanner here at home and I don't know if I can drop by the internet café to have those old pictures scanned as soon as possible. You know what? If I am to choose between painting on a canvas and taking pictures I'll most probably go with taking pictures. Oh, here comes the frustrated photographer without a digital camera. Well, if you can count a 2 megapixel camera phone in then that will be nice. LOL.

Hey, I'm thinking of dropping by a photo studio and have a photo of myself taken. I mean, I just wanna have a keepsake of what I look like now that I'm already in my mid-twenties. Well, problem is number one it seems like the cameras don't like me and number two I'm not that comfortable being in front of the camera especially when the camera is held by another person. By the way, I look different in photos and in person. Hmm, I don't know why. Well, it's a reality that the cameras don't like me but there are some limited edition cameras that seem to have an automatic photoshop when it comes to taking portraits of myself. LOL. Hmm, I don't know why.

Well, I'm a home buddy so there's really no point for me to have my own digital camera 'coz what kinds of scenery am I gonna capture when I'm often staying here at home. Oh, my current 2 megapixel camera phone doesn't like me. Well, my webcam used to have that so-called automatic photoshop that I'm babbling about. It's just that it's now broken so I can't take photos with my webcam anymore. Hmm, so I guess this is what happens when one's gadget is somehow depreciating. LOL. Oh, problem is I can't have a new laptop 'coz I don't have a single penny in my pocket for me to buy myself a new one. I can't even buy myself a new camera phone so how much more a new laptop. Damn, so it seems like this is the downside of being unemployed, huh?

Oh, not to mention that I look like a witch with this hair that I have. Hey, have you heard of costume playing or cosplaying if I'm not mistaken? Hmm, I wonder if costumes are available in some photo studios and wearing such costumes during the photo shoot is part of the whole package or something. Hmm, I hope they have wigs and I prefer one with a dark brownish red color. LOL. Oh, I want the wig with bangs too. LOL. Hmm, let's just say having a photo of myself taken in a photo studio is one of those stuffs that I wanna do in my bucket list. LOL.

I mean, a least there will a photo to be displayed right above my coffin during my wake, right? LOL. Oh, speaking of my wake I want something like this written on my epitaph when I leave this world of the living “A complicated girl who once lived in a simple world.” Hmm, I think I'll go to a photo studio and have a photo of myself taken one of these days. I mean, I only live once. Hmm, I wonder if there's such thing as reincarnation. If ever there's such thing then I wonder who was I in my past lives and who will I be in my future lives. Well, I don't really know. Never mind.

Second Language

I'm thinking of going back job hunting and apply as an ESL Teacher. Well, I know how to speak the English Language but problem is I'm so sure if I know how to explain the complexities of the English grammar to ESL Students. I'm willing to be trained though. I mean, I guess it's time for me to wake up from my dreamland make-believing that I'm working as an amateur writer online and start earning my own dough in the real world everybody knows. Hmm, now I'm thinking twice if am I gonna push through with job hunting or not. Damn, I don't know with me.

I mean, it's been years since college graduation and since I withdrew out of graduate school and I'm still part of the unemployed group. Damn, if I only have what it takes to make my unreachable and impossible dreams come true. Okay, so I'm gonna go online and go job hunting for nearby ESL Schools looking for ESL Teachers. Well, I guess the problem is I just don't believe in my potentials or something. Oh, not to mention that I'm such a pessimist. You know what? If I can only spend the rest of my life earning my own dough by writing then that will surely make the whole damn world a better place to live in. Damn, can somebody wake me up?

You know what? I heard someone once said that if one thinks that a task is easy then it will be easy but if one thinks that a task is difficult then it will surely be difficult. Hmm, I'm thinking that does make some sense. So why won't I think that being an ESL Teacher is just as easy as one-two-three? I guess that will somehow boost my self-confidence a little. LOL. Oh, not to mention when I went job hunting a few years ago I usually end up spoiling everything during the job interview. Well, the difference now is I'm not that depressed girl anymore or shall I say I'm not that disturbed girl with a psychotic mind anymore so I guess I'll most probably do good in the job interviews that I'm gonna go through whenever I'll go and push though with my job hunting.

Oh, is my grammar too confusing? Well, I don't really know. I mean, this is just that way that I write and in my case as long as it sounds good then it's fine. But in fairness to our English Teachers back in school they never failed to remind us that it doesn't mean that it sounds good then the grammar is correct. Hmm, yes I know how to speak and write in English. It's just that I'm thinking there's still a whole lot more that I don't know about the English Language. Damn, now I'm really thinking twice if am I gonna push through with job hunting as an ESL Teacher or what.

Oh, why am I writing in English? Well, it's because I consider English as a Universal Language in a sense that a lot of people around the world know how to speak it or are learning how to speak it so it's like if someone who knows how to speak in English from the other side of the globe finds my blog and reads my posts then it will be easy for that person to understand what I wrote. Hmm, I guess that's as simple as that. I guess it's not about in what language one expresses one's self 'coz it's all about expressing one's self in a language one feels most comfortable. I guess so.

Oh, here comes the side of me thinking that I'm unemployable. It's just that it really sucks to still be dependent on my parents now that I'm already in my mid-twenties. Hey, why won't I just do some artworks here at home and sell them online instead? Hmm, I guess that will make the whole damn world a better place to live in. I mean, it suits my personality very well and making artworks is what I'm good at anyway not to mention that it's the only clear talent that God gave me. It's just that it's been ages since I did some artworks 'coz I was so focused with living my dreams as a frustrated singer songwriter and frustrated writer for the past three years. Well, I guess it's never too late to polish my talent in making artworks all over again, right? Hey, I wanna be forever fourteen and funny thing is a decade after which makes me twenty-four I was able to live my unreachable and impossible dreams even just inside the four walls of my room. LOL. I guess there's really a time for everything, huh? I guess it's more than enough that I could ask for.

Hmm, so I guess there's a change of plan. I'm gonna go and get myself a sketchpad, some pencils, and some coloring materials then I'm gonna go and come up with artworks here at home. I mean, I'm really a home buddy and I really have this strong feeling that I'm unemployable. Hey, why won't I ask for a sign from God? Okay, so if I go job hunting online and there's a nearby ESL School looking for ESL Teachers then I'm gonna give it a shot but if there's none then I'm gonna push through with making artworks. Hmm, I hope I'll get an answer soon and that's an amen.