Slowly Learning How to Adjust

You know what? I guess it's time for me to learn how to adjust. I mean, I'm thinking maybe that's why I isolated myself from people or pulled myself away from everybody else almost my whole life by being the loner since time in memorial that I am is because I find it hard to adjust to people and to the kind of environment around me. Well, we moved to a new place a few months ago and I just stayed inside the subdivision most of the time and there are even days when I just don't step out of the house. I'm thinking of going back job hunting. I mean, I'm already in my mid-twenties and I'm supposed to be providing for my own self at this stage of my life. Well, maybe deep down I still feel like a fourteen year old it's just that I guess it's time for me to have some reality check or something. I mean, God gave me about three years and eight months to polish my skill in writing if I ever do have a skill in writing to begin with not to mention giving me enough time in learning how to deal with this Bipolar Disorder I have. Well, I guess it's time for me to move on. I mean, the path to recovery wasn't that easy, mind you. Hmm, damn it. LOL.

Well, even if I'll go and give job hunting another try I'm still gonna do whatever I can to keep my blog updated from time to time. I mean, I guess the dream still lives on. LOL. Well, I know things will never be the same again and I guess all I have to do from now on is simply to live with it. Hmm, my student career is somewhat over. I mean, I guess I'm not ever going back to school any time soon or maybe in my whole damn life. You know what? At some point I lost all the confidence I had and from time to time I feel like I'm incompetent for any job out there. Well, it's just that I think it's time for me bring back the confidence I had in me and then everything else will follow. I mean, I may be mentally ill but it doesn't mean that I cannot function like a normal human being. Oh, not to mention that I better be ready to accept rejections or something. Damn it.

Hmm, so what else am I gonna talk about aside from my thoughts and my feelings and anything nonsense in between? Well, I don't really know. LOL. You know what? It's not my problem why other creatures think the way they do so I guess the best thing for me to do is just to let those other creatures think what they want. Damn, it's not easy to come up with a blog draft, mind you. I mean, I'm really running out of nonsense to talk about. LOL. Well, maybe deep within I still feel like a fourteen year old. It's just that in my daydreams and on the world wide web maybe I'm already sixty years old or something. LOL. Hmm, in the real world I'm still twenty-five years old. Damn, why am I talking about ages? Well, maybe 'coz I'm really running out of nonsense to talk about. LOL. Hmm, so what else am I gonna talk about aside from my thoughts and my feelings and anything nonsense in between? Well, I don't really know. LOL. Hmm, let me think. Damn it.

You know what? I don't really have that much in mind right now. LOL. Hmm, I don't even know where this blog draft is going. It's just that I need to write a few more lines to conform to the standard requirement of writing a page of nonsense per blog draft. Hmm, so what else am I gonna talk about? Well, I don't really know. You know what? I don't really have that much in mind right now. LOL. Damn, what am I saying? LOL. Well, it's just that I'd rather have nothing to write about than have my psychotic mind drop by and ruin everything. I mean, my blog is really doing good so far and I don't really need my psychotic mind to drop by and spoil everything. Hmm, so what else am I gonna talk about? Well, I don't really know. You know what? I just leave other people do what they want to do with their lives. I mean, I have nothing to do with other people's lives anyway. Well, so I guess all that I can do for now is keep on keeping my blog updated as I am make-believing that I'm working as an amateur writer online as a stepping stone towards my dream of becoming a writer in the real world everybody knows someday. Whatever. Damn it.

Changing My Thought Patterns

You know what? I'm thinking this kind of unwanted thought patterns I have is stressing me out so I need to do some research on how am I gonna change this kind of unwanted thought patterns. Hmm, it's just that I'm kind of wondering if is it possible to change this kind of unwanted thought patterns I have or not. I mean, the way I understand it thought patterns are the way the head interprets things or something. Hmm, I don't know how my head ended up interpreting things the way it does not to mention that it's making me be in a bad mood sometimes. You know what? I don't interpret things in my head this way before I had Bipolar Disorder. Damn, I don't really know what happened. By the way, I'm reading all over again a guide book about good mental health that someone gave me and don't mind asking who that someone is 'coz it's top secret. LOL. Well, I read the chapter about depression and it caught my attention that a person can end up being depressed for no reason at all plus possibly when everything seems to be fine. Hmm, that's how I understand what I read or maybe it's my bad reading comprehension resurfacing all over again. LOL. You know what? Why won't I focus on changing my thought patterns or what? LOL.

You know what? While growing up I was able to notice a normal pattern in life for normal people. I mean, the pattern goes like this. Well, a person is born then that person goes through childhood then that person starts to go to school and graduate college then that person goes job hunting and land in a good paying job as an employee in a company to provide for one's self then it's optional if that person decides to settle down and start a family plus raise one's kids or that person decides to be single for life with no kids then that person retires from work and then try to make the most out of one's remaining time here on Earth then a person leaves this world of the living. Hmm, in fairness my life is something to be considered as normal so far. I mean, I was born then I had a sickly childhood then I went to school and was able to finish college. It's just that it stops there for now 'coz I'm unemployed not to mention unemployable young adult but I already made up my mind and that I'm choosing to be single for the rest of my life with no child. Hmm, I'm thinking for now all I can do is do the best that I can to pursue my dream to be a writer in the real world everybody knows someday and I don't know if God is also working on it or not.

Okay, I know this isn't the normal path in life not to mention that it's not in the pattern I noticed while growing up. Well, it's just that I'm thinking maybe being employed as an office staff in a company is not written in the book of life God wrote for me before I was ever born into this world so much more settling down and starting a family. I mean, I always wanted to be a writer since I was eight years old and here I am given the chance to make that dream come true. Damn, why is it so hard for some creatures to understand that all I want is to write a book and make a living out of writing that's why I'm being a blogger keeping this blog as a stepping stone towards my dream of becoming a writer someday? You know what? My blog is really doing good so far.

Well, I know some people just don't understand especially those who are accustomed to the normal pattern in life for normal people that I noticed while growing up. It's just that I don't see anything wrong with being abnormal sometimes or most of the time. LOL. Well, it sucks to still be dependent on my parents now that I'm already in my mid-twenties. It's just that I don't really belong in the corporate world. You know what? I'm thinking of giving job hunting another try. I mean, I read in a newspaper article one time that making a living out of writing is not enough to sustain life. Oh, not to mention that my high school friend gave an advice saying that it's much better for me to go job hunting and land in a good paying job as an employee in a company and just write as a sideline or something. I mean, I may be mentally ill but it doesn't mean that I cannot function like a normal human being. Okay, so I'll go and think about it. Damn it. LOL.

Psychotic Mind No More

You know what? I'm simply blogging to express myself and that's pretty much it. Oh, not to mention that it's not my problem why other creatures think the way they do. I mean, I guess it's much better for me to shrug all the negativity off 'coz I don't need such negativity in reaching for my dream to be a writer someday. Well, all I know is I'm just an unemployed not to mention unemployable young adult make-believing that I'm working as an amateur writer online as a stepping stone towards reaching for my dream to be a writer someday. You know what? I'm kind of thinking that this path I'm choosing is not the normal path or something. Well, it's just that I don't think there's something wrong with being abnormal from time to time. LOL. Oh, to add to that I'm not really someone you can call as “normal” to begin with. I mean, if I'm not mistaken I think it's only me in my batch way back school days who is a loner since time in memorial or something. Well, I guess this is just how God designed me and the best thing for me to do is just to live with it not to mention that He happens to be the best artist that ever existed. Damn it. LOL.

You know what? Whenever my psychotic mind drops by it makes me think of out of this world stuffs and it's so stupid of me to entertain those thoughts back then so I guess it's time for me to learn how to shrug those out of this world thoughts that my psychotic mind is trying to poison my head and think of something worthwhile instead. Oh, not to mention that I'm still under medication. I mean, I take an anti-psychotic and a mood stabilizer both once a day to aid me in dealing with this Bipolar Disorder I have. You know what? I guess the best thing for me to do is to do what I can to live my life to the fullest the way I know how. Well, it seems like for now all I can be is a unemployed not to mention unemployable young adult make-believing that I'm working as an amateur writer online as a stepping stone towards reaching for my dream to be a writer someday. Damn, I'm saying the same things over and over again. Hmm, whatever. LOL.

You know what? I don't really mind being different from everyone else. I mean, if you ask me I like it better that way or something. LOL. Oh, not to mention that I also don't mind if most if not all people just can't relate to me 'coz I find it quite a challenge to relate to other people either. LOL. Well, I guess I'm just unique in my own way and I like it better that way. Oh, not to mention that I also don't mind if most if not all people don't think the way I do and I'm sick and tired of making the most out of my imaginative mind trying to figure out what and how other people think or something. You know what? All I know is I never asked for this Bipolar Disorder I have. I mean, who wants to be a pain in the ass to begin with? Well, it's just that I'm thinking maybe having this Bipolar Disorder is somewhat written in my book of life that God wrote for me even before I was born into this world. Hmm, I guess I better just look at the bright side. Damn it.

You know what? I don't really know if me blogging is going somewhere. I mean, all I know is it's all I can do for now. Oh, not to mention sending the lyrics of my song “A Broken Record” to a local newspaper. You know what? I think I'm just gonna spend the rest of my life make-believing that I'm working as an amateur writer online or shall I say living my dream as a frustrated writer even just inside the four walls of my room. I mean, if you ask me I think there's really nothing much left for me to do here in this world of the living not to mention that I don't even know why was I ever born in this whole damn world anyway. You know what? I guess the best thing for me to do now is to live my life to the fullest the way I know how and being a blogger is all that I can do for now. Damn, I just don't want my psychotic mind to drop by and ruin everything. Damn it.

Talking to Myself Super Helps

You know what? If I didn't write all my thoughts down whenever my psychotic mind drops by I think I wouldn't be sitting here writing a blog draft as I am make-believing that I'm working as an amateur writer online as a stepping stone towards my dream of becoming a writer someday. I mean, writing is like talking to myself or something and you just don't have any idea how that helps. Oh, not to mention that writing played a dominant role in my journey to recovery. I mean, if you can catch my drift. By the way, in my blog post “Not a Bit Sense of Humor in Me” I wrote “on sense of humor” when I really meant was “of sense of humor”. Hmm, I don't know if I'll make some corrections or not. I mean, maybe I will or maybe I won't. Well, I don't really know. Hmm, on second thought there's a part of me telling me to just leave it as it is. I mean, maybe I'm thinking what makes an artwork more beautiful are its imperfections. Hmm, whatever. Damn it.

Oh, I read what came out of my online research on “Bipolar Disorder” and “Personality Disorder” last night. Hmm, I don't know with me but reading what came out of my online research gave me an idea on what I have to study if ever I'll take up Psychology in a formal school and it was such a turn off. LOL. Well, maybe I'll just go and do some online research about bits of Psychology from time to time not to mention that it seems like I'm not ever going back to school any time soon or maybe in my whole damn life. Hmm, I'm not an expert in Psychology so much more that I'm not a Psychologist or a Psychiatrist so I'm not really in the right position to make any diagnosis of the state of my mental health as of the moment. Well, all I know is while reading what came out of my online research I was able to somehow relate to what I read. You know what? I have not met somebody who has Bipolar Disorder and I guess I'm not interested to meet anyone with Bipolar Disorder. Well, all I know is it's not only me dealing with this mental illness.

You know what? I'm still wondering what if this Bipolar Disorder I have is a blessing in disguise. Hmm, I don't really know. By the way, I'm kind of thinking of buying a printer instead of having my literary masterpieces printed on a short bond paper. Hmm, it's just that I have a funny feeling that buying a printer at this point in time isn't such a good idea not to mention in wrong timing 'coz my laptop is slowly depreciating and I'm kind of thinking what if by the time I have saved enough to buy a printer my laptop is almost fully depreciated or something. Oh, to add to that I don't have a single penny in my pocket to buy myself a new laptop. Hmm, so I guess this is another downside of being unemployed not to mention unemployable, huh? Damn, it seems like I'm going off topic all over again. Well, I guess that's just me and the best thing for me to do is just to live with it. LOL. You know what? I really want my blog book to look like a professional looking book which is somehow an inch away from impossible these days. Whatever. Damn it.

Damn, I'm really running out of nonsense to talk about. Hmm, I guess there's no need for me to study Psychology in a formal school just to understand myself better. I mean, a lot of prayer to God and a lot of writing will do. Oh, not to mention that things will never be the same again. You know what? On second thought I miss being a student in a formal school. Hmm, it's just that it seems like my student career in a formal school is somewhat over. You know what? I guess the best thing for me to do is to move on and focus more in my baby steps toward a career in writing in the real world everybody knows. Oh, not to mention that I'm not really that sure if sending my lyrics of “A Broken Record” to a local newspaper is a good idea or not. Well, I don't really know. You know what? I think it's time for me to say goodbye to my career as a student and say hello to a career as a writer. Hmm, so I guess the dream still lives on, huh? Well, I guess so. LOL.

More Super Boring by the Minute

You know what? It seems like my blog is getting more and more boring by the minute. LOL. Oh, not to mention that I'm really running out of nonsense to talk about. By the way, I googled “Bipolar Disorder” and “Personality Disorder” on a search engine when I dropped by online a few hours ago. Oh, not to mention that when I checked my lyric video of my song “A Broken Record” I bumped into a comment saying or actually asking why I'm spamming a social networking site by promoting my lyric video or something. Well, if that netizen thinks that I'm spamming or something then I guess there's nothing I can do about it. I mean, all I know is I'm just promoting my lyric video on a social networking site wishing for it to achieve a thousand views as a Christmas wish or make the views a million. LOL. By the way, it's not really a big deal if I'm such a boring person living such a super boring life not to mention keeping a blog that's getting more and more super boring by the minute. I mean, it's been that way since time in memorial. Hmm, I guess I'm just designed this way and I better just live with it. Damn it. LOL.

Oh, not to mention that I also googled social networking sites for aspiring writers. By the way, I forgot to send the lyrics of my song “A Broken Record” to a local newspaper. Well, I don't know with me. Hmm, so what else am I gonna talk about aside from my thoughts and my feelings and anything nonsense in between? Well, I don't really know. You know what? I really don't know if what I'm doing these days is going somewhere. Well, it's just that for now make-believing that I'm working as an amateur writer online is all that I can do. Damn, I don't really know if have I grown as a writer or what. You know what? There are times when I feel like reading everything that I have written since the day I learned how to write. Well, I don't know with me. Oh, not to mention that noticing how my handwriting changes as the years pass by can be fun too. LOL.

Hmm, so what else am I gonna talk about aside from my thoughts and my feelings and anything nonsense in between? Well, I don't really know. LOL. Damn, how many times do I have to keep on asking that question? Well, I don't know with me. I mean, I'm really running out of nonsense to talk about. Well, so I think I'm gonna go and read what came out of my online research after coming up with this blog draft. You know what? I came to think why won't I write a novel about somebody with a Personality Disorder. Hmm, if a novel is too ambitious then why won't I write a short story about it perhaps or something. I mean, I think writing a short story about somebody with a Personality Disorder is my own way of starting somewhere or something. Well, if you can catch my drift. Hmm, I don't really know. I mean, I may be an imaginative mind but I'm not really a creative writer not to mention that I also forgot how to build characters and come up with dialogues. You know what? I feel like someone who wasted one's talent or talents or something.

Oh, if I'm not mistaken I heard somebody said that if God gives you a talent and you don't use it then He's gonna take that talent away from you and give it to somebody else who will make the most out of the said talent. Damn, which reminds me that it's been a long while since I made a drawing. Oh, not to mention that I was thinking of buying some sketchpad, pencils, and coloring materials a few weeks ago so that I can polish my talent in drawing 'coz it seems to be rusty these days. Hmm, it's just that I don't have a single penny in my pocket to buy the materials I need in order to polish my talent in drawing. You know what? I'm thinking one of the many reasons why I didn't take up a course in college that's related to arts 'coz I was scared to have an inferiority complex. Oh, not to mention the fear of failure. I mean, what if I took Fine Arts major in Painting for college and all I know is to make typical drawings or typical sketches inspired by Japanese Animation Characters then I'll end up bumping into classmates who know how to paint like Renaissance artists do. Damn, won't that be such a pain in the heart? Yeah, I thought so. Damn it.

As Simple As Writing Candidly

Hmm, so what else am I gonna talk about aside from my thoughts and my feelings and anything nonsense in between? Well, I don't really know. LOL. Damn, I'm wondering when am I gonna start making some sense in my blog drafts or what. Hmm, on second thought I'm not keeping this blog to fill it up with blog posts that make sense anyway. LOL. Well, it's just that I have to say that make-believing that I'm working as an amateur writer online even if I'm mostly writing a bunch of nonsense is not as easy as one-two-three, mind you. Hmm, I'm thinking maybe some creatures out there will find my literary masterpieces as rubbish. Well, it's just that I'm also considering the thought that some people out there may find some sense in my literary masterpieces though I'm not keeping my hopes high. LOL. Hmm, as for me keeping my blog updated from time to time is my own way of living my life to the fullest or something. Damn it.

You know what? I'm kind of thinking what if the present generation isn't ready to embrace my literary masterpieces or something for the main reason that the present generation just can't relate to it. Hmm, so I'm kind of wondering will the future generation take my literary masterpieces the same way or things will be a whole lot different. Well, I don't really know. Hey, I'm not that tween and teenage girl anymore who daydreams to conquer the world. LOL. I mean, thanks to my Bipolar Disorder for somehow giving me a reality check. LOL. Hmm, I don't know why God designed me to be a silent type kind of person in person not to mention a loner since time in memorial in person. Well, maybe in my blog I'm noisy and a silent kind of noise that is but when people are around me in person I'm most of the time silent and seems to be drifting in my own world or something. Hmm, I guess that's just me and the best thing for me to do is just to live with it. LOL. Well, let's just say that's one of my traits that makes me unique from everyone else.

Hmm, so what else am I gonna talk about aside from my thoughts and my feelings and anything nonsense in between? Well, I don't really know. LOL. You know what? I guess there's really such thing as a generation gap and I have a funny feeling that I'm born in the wrong generation or something. LOL. Hmm, so it seems like the present generation seems to not understand my literary masterpieces and I'm kind of wondering what if the future generation will. Well, it's just that there's a possibility that my time in this world of the living is up when that time comes. LOL.

You know what? I'm kind of wondering if the world wide web is here to stay forever or not. I mean, I still haven't figured out what is a better way to preserve my thoughts or something. You know what? I'm thinking the best way to preserve my thoughts is by being a published writer in the real world everybody knows. I mean, if my book will get published or something generations after generations will get the chance to read my published book and it will somehow make my thoughts immortal or something. Hmm, so it's like even if my time in this world of the living is up I continue to live on through my literary masterpieces. I mean, if you can catch my drift. LOL.

It's just that I'm thinking of keeping that divine guidance I'm asking for in mind before anything else. Hmm, I'm thinking of sending the lyrics of “A Broken Record” to a local newspaper. Well, maybe I will or maybe I won't. I don't really know. You know what? I'm also thinking of joining a writing workshop. It's just that it seems like it's not possible for now so I'm thinking of joining a social networking site mainly for aspiring writers. Well, on second thought isn't this blog site where I'm keeping my blog a social networking site for bloggers? Hmm, so what else am I gonna talk about aside from my thoughts and my feelings and anything nonsense in between? Well, I don't really know. Damn, I'm really running out of nonsense to talk about. Hmm, damn it. LOL.

I'm Unique in My Own Way

You know what? I haven't met somebody who has the same wavelength as I do. Oh, not to mention that I'm kind of wondering what will those people I met in person think if ever they get the chance to read my literary masterpieces since I began carrying my pen name “Adeline Chrystyn”. Well, I'm thinking maybe some of them will think that I have changed or that they hardly knew me at all. You know what? If you ask me I still feel like the same person. Well, I guess the only difference is I'm learning how to deal with my insecurities not to mention my personal issues and I'm learning how to express myself fearlessly by means of blogging not to mention conquering my fears in order to reach for my dream to be a writer someday. Oh, and I almost forgot that one of the major changes is that I have to deal with my Bipolar Disorder for the rest of my life. However, I'm still this daydreamer who lives in her own world most of her life.

You know what? It was so easy for me to master the art of deadma before I had Bipolar Disorder. It's just that problem is since I had Bipolar Disorder mastering the art of deadma became quite a challenge on my part. Hmm, I have a theory in my mind. It's just that don't bother asking what that theory is 'coz I'm not saying the answer I have in mind. Well, good news is I'm learning how to master the art of deadma these days and I'm doing good so far so I'm praying and hoping that my psychotic mind won't drop by and ruin everything. Oh, I'm still considering the possibility that having this Bipolar Disorder is a blessing in disguise. You know what? I'm kind of thinking what happened when I was nineteen years old is that all my repressed thoughts and feelings since I learned how to think emerged in my consciousness and then I had some sort of personal crisis or something. Well, I'm thinking of looking at the bright side of things. I mean, if I didn't have this Bipolar Disorder I wouldn't be sitting here writing a blog draft as I am make-believing that I'm working as an amateur writer online which is a stepping stone towards my dream of becoming a writer someday not to mention the good changes that I mentioned earlier that came along with it.

By the way, I decided to continue reading this book about dreams and what dreamers end up doing just to make their dreams come true. I mean, I don't feel like reading the rest of my sister's latest batch of secondhand books and it seems like I can't drop by a bookstore to buy a new book any time soon not to mention that I don't have a single penny in my pocket to do so. Hmm, so I'm thinking of reading all over again all the books in my mini-library to make the whole damn world a better place to live in. LOL. Damn, I don't know if have I grown as a writer or what. You know what? I can honestly just spend the rest of my life make-believing that I'm working as an amateur writer online. Well, the downside is I won't be able to know what it's like to start earning my own dough or something. Damn, if I can only start earning my own dough by writing then that will surely make the whole damn world a better place to live in. Hmm, what am I saying? Damn it.

Well, the problem is even if I'll learn how to master the art of deadma everything will never be the same again. Oh, on second thought if other creatures will learn how to just leave me alone to live my life to the fullest the way I know how and mind their own beeswax then I think mastering the art of deadma won't be that much of a challenge anymore. Hmm, it's just that even if such thing happens things will still never be the same again. I mean, it's like a wound leaving a scar or something. Hmm, if you can catch my drift. Damn, what am I saying? LOL. You know what? I have my own life here to live though there are times when I wish I was never born in this world or something. LOL. Oh, not to mention that I'm still clueless why was I ever born in this world to begin with. Hmm, so for now all I can be is an unemployed not to mention unemployable young adult make-believing that I'm working as an amateur writer online and that's an amen. Damn it.