Blog Worthy

I'm trying my damn best not to be a prisoner of the past sounding like a broken record. Well, problem is there's nothing much going on in my life at present so you can't blame me if there are times when I go flipping the pages of the past for no damn reason. LOL. So what am I up to these days? Hmm, why won't I say I'm make-believing that I'm working as an amateur writer here online. Well, at least here I am living one of my many frustrations even just inside the four walls of my room, right? It's just that it's not as easy as one-two-three, mind you.

I mean, it's slowly sinking in me that it's quite a challenge to come up with an interesting blog worthy topic considering that I'm such a boring person living such a super boring life. It's just that I'd rather have nothing to write about than go through some mental and emotional torture all over again or shall I say I don't want my psychotic mind to drop by town in the following seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, years, and 'til the end of time. Yup, I'm still under medication. I take an anti-psychotic and a mood stabilizer both once a day and it seems like both are working pretty well these days though I still hope I can do away with the medicines someday.

I guess it's safe to say that God gave me about three years to satisfy two of my strongest frustrations even just inside the four walls of my room. I was able to come up with a twelve-song-acapella-record-album that I named “It's a Mess” to satisfy my dream as a frustrated singer songwriter and I was able to come up with a free-flowing-random-thoughts-book that I named “Behind the Mask” to satisfy my dream as a frustrated writer. Well, at least I was able to live my dreams even just inside the four walls of my room, right? It's just that it seems like God has no plans of giving me anything more than that. Well, as they say “God can see the future that's why there are prayers left unanswered.”. So I guess it's time for me to wake up from my dreamland and face the real world out there, huh? Yeah, right. As if that's as easy as one-two-three.

I guess it doesn't matter who I was back then 'coz what matters more is who I am now and who I choose to be. I'm not perfect. I'm not a saint. I'm only human. I got my own monsters. I daydream more than I think and there's still so much more that I want to do in my bucket list. My past made me who I am now and I guess it's much better for me to be thankful for it. I'm already in my mid-twenties and I'm still clueless on what to do with my damn life in the real world. I guess the best thing for me to do for now is to take it one day at a time and live each day to the fullest.

I believe that God wrote the best book for me even before I was born. I'm praying and hoping that one day the right path will just dawn on me and by that time I'll be brave enough to take it. Well, I got my own dreams. It's just that I don't have what it takes to make those dreams come true. So those dreams turned into frustrations that I tried to live even just inside the four walls of my room. Yeah, what a good way to make a fool out of myself, huh? LOL. It's just that it seems like I finally need to come into my senses and realize that those dreams are really going nowhere and there's no point for me to push any further at this point in my life which is totally heartbreaking.

Well, I can give up all my other frustrations except writing. Writing is a need and a want for me. Writing is like a therapy. Writing is what keeps me sane when I'm an inch away from insanity. I remember a song I wrote “Sand Castles” 'coz there are lines in that song that go like “I don't know where this song is going. All I know is I'll keep on writing. I know sometimes it doesn't make any sense at all.” I prefer to type my thoughts down than have it handwritten. Well, maybe 'coz I don't like my handwriting. Hmm, problem is my baby is sick so it seems like I won't be able to keep on typing my thoughts down any longer and have my thoughts handwritten instead. By the way, by browsing through my old notebooks I realized that my handwriting changes from time to time. Well, don't bother asking why 'coz I'm not saying the answer I have in mind. LOL.

I guess the best thing for me to do is to be happy with and make the most of what I have and stop wanting what I don't have. By the way, my hair is not straight. I got a wavy one. I'm not fond of combing it. I like it messy. LOL. I don't know with me. I had thoughts of coloring my hair dark brownish red. It's just that I realized that I like my hair better when it's black so I dropped the idea. Hmm, why am I talking about my hair? Well, I don't know with me. I guess the best thing for me to do is to pull myself back together and bring back the self-confidence I lost since I had this disorder. It seems like having my baby sick is a sign and a wake up call from God saying that it's time for me to outgrow my frustrations and face the real world out there. Hmm, makes sense.