Acapella to Acoustic

I don't know why but a part of me wants to turn my twelve-song-acapella-record-album into a real studio record album with guitars, piano, bass, drums, violin, and my voice on it. I want it to sound a little bit like pop, alternative, punk, and rock. Hmm, is it too much to ask? Well, problem is I don't have a band and I got no plans of having one not to mention that I also don't know how to play any musical instruments. Well, I tried to learn how to play the piano and guitar when I was younger. It's just that I stopped when I realized I got no idea what timing is all about. LOL.

Hmm, I'm thinking of having my own guitar and turn my twelve-song-acapella-record-album into a twelve-song-acoustic-record-album. I mean, I guess it's never too late to start learning how to play the guitar all over again, right? By the way, whenever I listen to the fine-tuned version of “It's a Mess” I can't help be in awe that I was able to come up with such. Sad news is it seems like the magic is gone now and I don't know if those once in a blue moon songwriting sessions will ever drop by again. I guess it's much better for me to be satisfied with “It's a Mess” as of now. I mean, at least I was able to live my dream as a frustrated singer songwriter even just inside the four walls of my room, right? I guess it's more than enough that I could ask for. Hmm, I guess so.

You know what? In fairness to my singing voice I got a funny feeling that it somehow got polished through the years of my constant screaming. LOL. Oh. I mean, singing. I don't know with me. Well, sad news is none of those who have heard me sing ever told me I sound nice to listen to. I mean, it's a reality that those who have heard me sing live and in the flesh found my singing voice too annoying. Well, good news is I was able to accidentally find a way to make my recorded singing voice sound better so I came up with a fine-tuned version of my songs. LOL.

My final twelve-song-acapella-record-album took about a decade in the making. I mean, I'm not really musically talented so that's why it took that long for me to come up with “It's a Mess”. I don't know why I wanted to be a singer songwriter. All I know is I wanted to be one the first time I saw the Princess of Pop singing her first single on an international music channel way back the last years of grade school and the fire to be one ignited even more when I saw the Punk Princess singing her first single on a national music channel's weekly chart show at fourteen years old.

I've been writing songs since the last years of grade school. The golden age of my songwriting years was by mid of high school. I kept those songs I wrote that time in a notebook. I lost that notebook for some time but I was able to find it again by mid of 2012. There are times when I write a song and I end up asking myself in disbelief if am I really the one who wrote it. I tried to read the songs I wrote way back high school only to realize that most of my songs don't make any sense at all and only a few of them made it to be a part of my twelve-song-acapella-record-album.

I have written more or less five dozens of songs for the past more or less thirteen years of my life. It's just that most of the songs I wrote don't make any sense at all so it narrowed down to twenty seven songs worth uploading on a video sharing website. Then the twenty seven songs narrowed down to twelve songs which made it to be a part of the final list of my first twelve-song-acapella-record-album “It's a Mess”. And those twelve songs have a fine-tuned version that you can check out on my unofficial video sharing website's channel that carries my unofficial pen name “Adeline McSunday” 'coz I'd like to be called as “Adeline Chrystyn” from now on. FYI, I wrote half of “It's a Mess” for a span of a decade and the other half on the same year which is 2012.

It's Just a Little Crush

If I only know how to put my daydreams into writing I would have written a lot of novels by now. It's just that I don't know how so my dream to one day write a page-turner still remains a dream up until now. Sometimes I tell myself to just settle as a reader 'coz maybe being a writer isn't really meant for me 'coz I just don't have what it takes to be one. But there's a fire within me telling me not to give up and give it one more shot. Well, I'm not really a creative writer. I'm more on writing about my thoughts and my feelings. Yeah, right. As if someone out there cares about what I think and how I feel. LOL. Hmm, I'll keep on writing no matter what anyway. LOL.

I had thoughts of writing a love story 'coz I noticed that it sells more to the youth. It's just that it seems like I'm not the right person to write a love story 'coz I don't have the experience to back it up 'coz I never had any love life in my whole damn life in the first place. Well, I do have daydreams about my crushes and I but as I've said I don't know how to put my daydreams into writing so I better drop the idea of writing a novel about it. I guess that will make the world a better place to live in. LOL. Well, some of my daydreams are happy ending ones but I also have daydreams about my crushes and I with a tragic ending. Hmm, the side of me who is fool enough to be idealistic will go with the happy ending ones. LOL. Damn, can somebody wake me up?

Oh, speaking of crushes I like it better when a crush of mine doesn't give a damn about me or doesn't even know that I exist. I don't know why I like it better that way. Well, maybe 'coz I don't really want anything more than a crush feeling and maybe 'coz I'm not the type who enters into a boy-girl relationship anyway. I mean, I have been a loner since time in memorial and up until now that I'm already in my mid-twenties I still find it hard to adjust to people. I even have a funny feeling that it were the people around me who did whatever they can to adjust to me.

Oh, not to mention that I'm a harmless stalker. Yup, I stalk my crushes. My first crush that I stalked was my Australian schoolmate way back fifth grade. When high school came I stalked the lead vocal of my favorite American rock band online 'coz I have a huge crush on him. LOL. When college came I stalked a Chinito crush of mine who looks like a Japanese Animation Character on a social networking site and semi-stalked him inside the school campus. Also way back college I stalked a campus mate who looks like the boy who lived the book cover version that I had a crush on inside the school campus. LOL. Damn, look how freaky can I get. LOL.

I don't know why I just like looking at them even from afar and knowing some little trivia about them via stalking. When I went to graduate school I stalked a Turkish crush of mine on a social networking site. Well, I don't have a new crush as of the moment and it seems like it's time for me to put an end to my stalking career. LOL. Please don't get me wrong but it seems like stalking my crushes is a form of entertainment on my part. It's like I do get entertained when I stalk them. It's like my crushes are celebrities and I'm their number one fan. Hmm, something like that. LOL.

I guess it's safe to say that I never fell in love with a boy my whole damn life. I mean, if you ask me I think “love” is the most abused word of all time. Saying you love someone isn't like saying “Hello” and “Goodbye”. I like my crushes but I don't love them. Well, what I feel for my crushes is just some sort of severe infatuation that is most often mistaken as love. Hmm, why am I talking about my crushes? Well, maybe 'coz I find it an interesting topic to talk about. LOL. Hmm, now I'm having second thoughts if do I really find this topic interesting. Well, maybe my younger self will find this one interesting. It's just that I'm older now so this topic is just a so-and-so topic for me or something. I don't even know why I'm talking about this stuff when I'm supposed to talk about my dream to one day write a page-turner to begin with. I don't know with me. Well, I just hope my readers will find this topic interesting if I ever do have readers in the first place. LOL.

Oh, I have a thing for mestizo guys especially those who are white, tall, and skinny. By the way, I think I'm gonna be an old maiden. I mean, I'm not the marrying type and all that. Well, I think it's a blessing to have a child and start a family. It's just that as the way things look right now I'm not ever gonna have my own child in my whole damn life. I mean, I don't want the whole universe to end. LOL. It seems like I'm not really that ready for such kind of responsibility and all that.

I'm happy being single and I love being single. Well, maybe 'coz at this point in my life I'm not ready to commit into anything. I mean, being in a relationship isn't just about love. It's also about trust, loyalty, faithfulness, commitment, and what not. Oh, look who's talking. LOL. Well, I just read or heard that somewhere and I'm thinking that does make some sense, right? Oh, not to mention that a deep kind of friendship is sure to be a firm foundation. Hmm, makes sense. LOL.

I'm sorry if here I go flipping the pages of the past for no damn reason all over again. It's just that there's really nothing new to talk about. I guess it's okay to have a crush on someone. I mean, it's just a crush anyway. LOL. I don't know what's going on in my crushes' lives these days. I mean, it's been ages since I last stalked them in any way possible. LOL. Yeah, it seems like these days are the dark ages of my stalking career, huh? LOL. Well, it's okay. I don't mind. LOL.

Well, my crush feeling for my crushes isn't that strong anymore. I don't know why. My latest crush is that Turkish guy I met on a social networking site back then and I never had a strong crush feeling on any other guy since then. I had my first crush when I was eight. Hmm, I don't think that's that early. I may have a crush on a few handsome men but I hate boys in general especially those jerks who never grew up. I don't wanna have anything to do with those jerks and they better go to hell. Hey, I'm not allowing those jerks to ruin this blog entry so why won't I go back talking about my crushes. I guess that will make the whole damn world a better place to live in. LOL. Hmm, I wonder what my crushes are up to these days. It's just that I don't feel like stalking them on social networking sites anymore. I don't know why. Well, maybe 'coz it's time for me to outgrow and put an end to my stalking career from now on or something. LOL.

Blog Worthy

I'm trying my damn best not to be a prisoner of the past sounding like a broken record. Well, problem is there's nothing much going on in my life at present so you can't blame me if there are times when I go flipping the pages of the past for no damn reason. LOL. So what am I up to these days? Hmm, why won't I say I'm make-believing that I'm working as an amateur writer here online. Well, at least here I am living one of my many frustrations even just inside the four walls of my room, right? It's just that it's not as easy as one-two-three, mind you.

I mean, it's slowly sinking in me that it's quite a challenge to come up with an interesting blog worthy topic considering that I'm such a boring person living such a super boring life. It's just that I'd rather have nothing to write about than go through some mental and emotional torture all over again or shall I say I don't want my psychotic mind to drop by town in the following seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, years, and 'til the end of time. Yup, I'm still under medication. I take an anti-psychotic and a mood stabilizer both once a day and it seems like both are working pretty well these days though I still hope I can do away with the medicines someday.

I guess it's safe to say that God gave me about three years to satisfy two of my strongest frustrations even just inside the four walls of my room. I was able to come up with a twelve-song-acapella-record-album that I named “It's a Mess” to satisfy my dream as a frustrated singer songwriter and I was able to come up with a free-flowing-random-thoughts-book that I named “Behind the Mask” to satisfy my dream as a frustrated writer. Well, at least I was able to live my dreams even just inside the four walls of my room, right? It's just that it seems like God has no plans of giving me anything more than that. Well, as they say “God can see the future that's why there are prayers left unanswered.”. So I guess it's time for me to wake up from my dreamland and face the real world out there, huh? Yeah, right. As if that's as easy as one-two-three.

I guess it doesn't matter who I was back then 'coz what matters more is who I am now and who I choose to be. I'm not perfect. I'm not a saint. I'm only human. I got my own monsters. I daydream more than I think and there's still so much more that I want to do in my bucket list. My past made me who I am now and I guess it's much better for me to be thankful for it. I'm already in my mid-twenties and I'm still clueless on what to do with my damn life in the real world. I guess the best thing for me to do for now is to take it one day at a time and live each day to the fullest.

I believe that God wrote the best book for me even before I was born. I'm praying and hoping that one day the right path will just dawn on me and by that time I'll be brave enough to take it. Well, I got my own dreams. It's just that I don't have what it takes to make those dreams come true. So those dreams turned into frustrations that I tried to live even just inside the four walls of my room. Yeah, what a good way to make a fool out of myself, huh? LOL. It's just that it seems like I finally need to come into my senses and realize that those dreams are really going nowhere and there's no point for me to push any further at this point in my life which is totally heartbreaking.

Well, I can give up all my other frustrations except writing. Writing is a need and a want for me. Writing is like a therapy. Writing is what keeps me sane when I'm an inch away from insanity. I remember a song I wrote “Sand Castles” 'coz there are lines in that song that go like “I don't know where this song is going. All I know is I'll keep on writing. I know sometimes it doesn't make any sense at all.” I prefer to type my thoughts down than have it handwritten. Well, maybe 'coz I don't like my handwriting. Hmm, problem is my baby is sick so it seems like I won't be able to keep on typing my thoughts down any longer and have my thoughts handwritten instead. By the way, by browsing through my old notebooks I realized that my handwriting changes from time to time. Well, don't bother asking why 'coz I'm not saying the answer I have in mind. LOL.

I guess the best thing for me to do is to be happy with and make the most of what I have and stop wanting what I don't have. By the way, my hair is not straight. I got a wavy one. I'm not fond of combing it. I like it messy. LOL. I don't know with me. I had thoughts of coloring my hair dark brownish red. It's just that I realized that I like my hair better when it's black so I dropped the idea. Hmm, why am I talking about my hair? Well, I don't know with me. I guess the best thing for me to do is to pull myself back together and bring back the self-confidence I lost since I had this disorder. It seems like having my baby sick is a sign and a wake up call from God saying that it's time for me to outgrow my frustrations and face the real world out there. Hmm, makes sense.

A Broken Record by Adeline Chrystyn

“A Broken Record”

Adeline Chrystyn

how many times do I have to hear

what you've got to say?

it's not easy to throw

everything all away

it's not easy to forget

what made you who you are today

so here you are

with all the scars of yesterday

could you stop being such

a Prisoner of the Past

sounding like a broken record?

could you start thinking of

fresh thoughts from now on

so you can stop being such a broken record?

don't let yesterday ruin today and tomorrow

let go, let go

it's not easy, I know

don't let yesterday ruin today and tomorrow

move on, move on

it's not easy, I know

aren't you tired of singing

the same old songs?

isn't there anything new to sing about?

I'm tired of listening

to the same old songs

'coz you don't want anything new to sing about

so what are you gonna do

when it's time to

face everything you turned your back on?

you don't really know

and you don't give a damn to even think about it

it's been a long while

it's been so long, it's long forgotten

why won't you leave

everything right behind you

and never turn around

on something that isn't worth it at all?